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President George W. Bush used a Rose Garden appearance today to reassure investors that he was at the helm of the U.S. economy, causing stock markets to plummet around the world.
"You don't have to worry about this economy, because I am in charge of it," said Mr. Bush, touching off what some observers were calling a global financial panic.
Mr. Bush began his remarks about the economy at 10:30 a.m. EST, and by 10:31 markets around the world had already gone into a perilous free-fall.
According to Wall Street insiders, the markets were responding to the news that Mr. Bush was still president.
Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com.
One solution reportedly being pondered by the Fed would involve sending Mr. Bush to Disney World for the remainder of his time in office.
Elsewhere, in his first comment on the Eliot Spitzer scandal, Vice President Dick Cheney said he has never hired a prostitute because "I've been screwing the country the last seven years."