Amazing Flame Response, page 1

This is by far one of the funniest flame responses I’ve ever read. I saved this on my computer a while back from a Usenet post.

To my knowledge, Usenet posting are public domain so I’ll post it here in its entirety. There are many variations of the same flame. The origin of the flame is still a bit mysterious. These guys attribute the original to a Rob Chauncey aka Noogin.

Anyway, this is a bit drawn out for a post that is suppose to be humorous, so here goes…

I don't think we are getting through to you, Savain. Try this on for
size to resolve any residual ambiguity:

You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. As
they say in Texas, you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with
instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away.
I would rather suck off a lawyer than be seen with you.

You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little
worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a
cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench,
a revulsion, a big suck on a rotted sour lemon.

You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared
richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your nalleged birth
into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody,
abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then
killed themselves in recognition of what they had done.

I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same
species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at
the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut.
Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are
a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell
bad?

Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting
to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a
nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able
to access it more rapidly.

You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive
its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to
fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink
shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing
nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs.

You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid,
nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an
ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with
you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in
a land that reality forgot.

And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important
statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What
fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted
tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat,
spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake?

You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and
obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living
emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a
disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meatslapper.

On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are
deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of
wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You
are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow
wherever you go.

You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock.
You grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john. You clouted
boggish foot-licking twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You
gormless crook-pated tosser. You churlish boil-brained clotpole
ponce. You cockered bum-bailey poofter. You craven dewberry pisshead
cockup pratting naff. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb.
You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill.

You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are
degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you
exist. I despise everything about you. . You are a bloody nardless
newbie twit protohominid chromosomally aberrant caricature of a
coprophagic cloacal parasitic pond scum, and I wish you would go away.

I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard
stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way
beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid.
You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself
so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense
that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day
sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our
entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a
troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this
is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some
pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be
beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on.
This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear
from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride
your ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant
trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh.

The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped
away most of your of what you wrote, because, well... it didn't really
say anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was
pitiful. I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a
load of babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after
you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more
success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal"
people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering.
But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this
world who find these things more difficult. If I had known, that this
was your case then I would have never read your post. It just wouldn't
have been "right". Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish
you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem
to be placing such a demand on you...

You're also boring, Louie.