"Gone Just Like That"

I used to be happy and smile all the time. Life was wonderful and dreams were abundant. My daddy always said that I would change the world and make it a better place. We always talked about everything and asking questions were inviting to my dad. He always told me to ask questions and if I didn’t know the answer , somehow I’d get the answer I was looking for. We went fishing and camping together with mom and my little sister Kailey. I remember those hot summer days of crawling in the mountain streams to stay cool and overturning rocks to catch spring lizards. My mother was so happy and joked around with me and my sister all the time. We were the focus of their attention and nothing got by my parents unnoticed. If something was wrong they knew how to fix it and cheer us up. There were hard times when money was hard to come by but when it was happening to us I felt like the richest child on earth. I never knew we were poor and struggling in those days. We were always laughing and playing games. We would play hide and seek, play board games, tell jokes and see who could make each other laugh first. I still dream about those wonderful days of old and wish I could die just to go back there. I was nine years old and my sister was three going on four. I.m forty-two now. Our world was family and happiness was our theme to life. My dad told me not to worry about things I couldn’t change and to focus on the important task at hand. He always awed me with his answers and the way he smiled with ease.

That’s all gone now and my smile is only there for my mom and sister. My daddy was killed in a head on collision by a drunk driver who was only sixteen years old. I remember the police coming to our house that night, knocking on our door and our mom opening the door. She asked them what was wrong and why they were here. One of the officers asked if they could come in and our mom said “please do”. We had just got done painting with our fingers on some poster boards that our dad picked up before he came home from work. It was about nine o’clock pm and our dad had to make a run to grandma and granddaddy’s house an hour earlier to deliver some medicine that they called into the pharmacist. Mom was wondering why daddy wasn’t home yet and just finished calling our grandparents when the knock on the door came. The police officer asked our mom to sit down for a moment and that he had some bad news. It’s so hard to explain the emotions that went through my head and the ones coming from my sister and mother when the police officer told us what happened. My mother was already crying before the officer spoke and made me and Kailey cry too. I had no idea what our mom was crying about but I knew that if she was crying then we needed to cry too. My sister starting screaming crying when she found out that daddy was dead. My ears still hear the sound of her screams that night. “ No, No not daddy NO!! And on and on for five minutes or more. All I could do was sit there and say nothing. My mind was off with daddy fishing and him showing me how to double loop a hook so that it wouldn’t break so easy when I caught a big mouth bass a catfish or something like that. I wanted to cry but somehow I couldn’t shed a tear. I got up and went to my mother for comfort and we all three held each other tightly that night.

The next day was the hardest day of my life. My mom no longer had her beautiful smile and my sister was still crying and asking why daddy wasn’t coming back. For me the world changed. I was no longer me. I couldn’t smile, I couldn’t think straight and I surely couldn’t talk. I shut down later on that day and left our house. I went down in the woods behind our house and started crying like a baby and asking daddy to come back. “Please let him come home I said to the heavens” Please oh! Please! Let him come home. I went further into the woods and climbed up to the tree house that my dad built for us and begged God to let him come back. I stayed there all day and night alone crying and hoping to hear footsteps on the ladder outside but daddy never came back. I never felt more alone in my life that night. I fell asleep on the tears that covered the floor of the tree house and woke the next morning to my mother saying :wake up baby, wake up”. I opened my eyes and saw my mom crying again and knew that she needed me more than ever now. That’s when I remembered the dream I just had that night. My dad came to me and told me to take care of the girls. He said he was sorry for not being able to be there for us and that I’m the man of the house now. He told me to embrace life with a smile and to never make my mom and sister cry. I still dream about that lonely night in the tree house that’s no longer there or the tree , and remember how my dad left us so suddenly. But I thank him for coming to me in a dream and to let me know that life goes on and happiness is what you make of it. “I love you dad and miss you dearly” I still to this day have never seen the smile I once knew on my mothers face.

[edit on 3/12/2008 by Solarskye]

[edit on 13-3-2008 by intrepid]

The pain of years tend to harden the heart. Mine is like granite. Welcome to the club.

OK Solarskye..3 times...
AD is a total wreck. Buddy you can write...that's all I'll say.

S&F

I'm 45. Mom died in '04. Something snapped inside me. My brother is a doctor, my sister a nurse. They moved away with their families. I took care of dialysis pts for 20 plus years. Never lost one on my watch during tx's. Love life not so hot. Former body builder and too proud. And took care of my aging mother by getting her groceries every weekend, and attending to what other needs around her house. I bought my own, don't wan't to sound like a basement dweller. Since her loss, I just don't know what's happened to me. 2 engagements, 6 failed relationships. God I wish I had the love of my own family to give me a sense of purpose. You are blessed.
Carry on.
Euripides...
There is something in the pang of change
More than the heart can bear
Unhappiness remembering happiness.
I have that framed. Sigh....

[edit on 12-3-2008 by jpm1602]

No, thankyou Solarskye for such an intricate and telling emotional experience. It is I that am thankful for your most thoughtful posts.
John

Thanks for the kind words. No sir, It was a small framed glass placard I bought at a garage sale many years ago by Euripides. I am embarassed I don't know who that even is. Although I will by the nights end. Doing a search.
Peace.

If I had a nickel for every butt I cleaned, every explosive vomit I cleaned, every pt I just sat and talked with I'd be a wealthy man. However, that does make me a wealthy man if not in my bank account, but in my soul.
But wealth was never my goal. I have a personal goal to help mankind, I don't even know why except for personal growth. Tomorrow the sun will shine and I will finally dig out of the 4 ft plow drift left in my apron here in Ohio.

[edit on 13-3-2008 by jpm1602]

Found. Euripides. BC 480. Greek. One of the three leading tragedy play writers. Athenian. Writer of 96 tragedies in well recorded lore.
Famous quote. Unsubstantiated. 'Whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad'.

I feel for your beautiful and tragic story. Life is bitter sweet, you are so loved and that is more than many that come here get the chance to experience.

"The highest skill man can possess is the ability to adapt" -someone

We all need to grit our teeth and push on without looking back on painful memories, but looking forward to the time when we will all be united again.
Your Father is pure conciousness now. The time is fast approaching when
we will all be united with the dearly departed and I for one can't wait.
I know if I were a little wiser I would be living in the "NOW". But it is so hard to resist looking forward to becoming pure unadulterated conciousness. You will never be the same person again.Your innocence
was stolen from you at an early age and never to return again.
Rejoyce in the fact that all of this # will be over soon enough and we will all have alot of catching up to do, notes to compare and stories to tell.

Untill then, grit your teeth and drive on.

Peace brother.

Thanks antar & cbass I have six beautiful children and an awesome wife who make me laugh, smile, cry and live. They are my life and I cherish every second with them. I wish you both love and happiness.