I hate my family.

When it comes to you hating your own family, something seriously wrong is going on.

I semi-hate my mother. But I won't get into that. (She's just dumb and narrow minded, I'll leave it at that.)

I hate my youngest brother.

I also hate my father. I haven't been around him much. I've been raised in the states, but I'm born in Norway. When we left Norway, my mother and I, I was only five. My father stayed behind. Not his fault, and that's not the reason I hate him.

He thinks he knows everything so damn well, criticizes me for the things I've done in my past, and makes snide remarks about how I live my life. Yet, he's in a worse situation then I myself am at. He started a company, but went on vacations every other month for two weeks leaving others in charge of who ran the business... Yet he wonders how that went to hell. He has several bastard children, one of them with a married woman. But he continues to belittle me and say how I'm not applying myself and I should 'be more like him'.

But the TWO PEOPLE I HATE MOST in my family, is my younger brother 'Calvin' and my younger sister 'Melissa'.

Here's the deal.

Melissa started going steady with this one guy, 'Rob'. But even though they were going steady, she'd still preform sexual acts with Rob's older brother. Melissa and Rob lasted a year and a half. After they broke up, Melissa started hanging out with Rob's older brother. He'd spend the night, they'd do stuff etc. Yet she wanted Rob back, and couldn't understand why he was so pissed off... Well, Melissa and Rob's older brother are now together. Rob and Melissa had only been broken up a couple or so weeks...

Well, Rob's older brother used to be my best friend. That was until my brother Calvin came back from his visit from the states. Which I didn't mind, as those two are closer in age. What did bother me is how they claimed I was still 'in the gang' yet I'd constantly be left out of events or simply 'forgotten'. I grew tired of hearing 'Aw man, we forgot!' Also the lying and going around my back got tiring as well.

Anyways, Calvin and Rob's older brother (known here after as Jay) got into a little argument a couple of months ago. They then stopped hanging out. Calvin started hanging out with me more and more. Which was nice, as he's my younger brother.

During our hang out times, he'd talk about how Jay needed a serious ass whooping because of all the crap he's been going around talking. And every day, I'd hear how Calvin hated Jay.

Then BAM! Today, Calvin and Jay are hanging out. I ask Calvin, what's the deal here? You and Jay buds again? Well, the answer I got was 'SORTA...WHATS IT TO YOU?!'

Right, what's it to me? I'm only your brother. I only listened to your constant bitching and moaning about how you wanted to tear a new one to Jay because of all the 'trash talk'.

I mean, WTF?

Was I in the wrong here or what? I just don't know, and my brother has hurt me more then anyone else has. I used to trust him with everything, I'd have trusted him with my life. We were REAL close. But after Calvin and Jay started hanging out, they both changed something awful.

I just hate them all, seriously. There is so much backwardness here and people going back and forth in the things they say and do all the time it's hard to make heads or tails of the situation.

So Calvin, Melissa, Jay... This is it. Last time bro. I trusted you, we were brothers. I've had enough people turn on me in the past five years to learn that ya'll aren't any good.

When you need an older brother to turn to, don't come here. I'm through with you and everyone else.




Thanks for reading.

Peace,
FK

reply to post by Frontkjemper


You sound like you are young, and I apologize if you are not.

I think you mistake hate for not liking, or being in agreement. Hate is a strong word, and once you use it, you can't take it back.

Where would you be without these people?

If they hated you as much as you do them, would your story be different?

You are not abused, it seems in any way, other than disagreement.

Thank your lucky stars, that all you have to say here, is really a b-fest!

Aw that sucks but I guess most people have their own different family problems. My family is far from perfect.

reply to post by Enthralled Fan


I'm nearing my thirties, divorced and have a six year old kid. So young in some aspects, old in others.

It goes way deeper then what I had posted, I just didn't want to get into every absolute thing.

But here are a couple more reasons why I feel the way I do:

My mother, allows my seventeen year old sister to bring guys over to spend the night, this includes one guy she met on the net and met once. The first time they met, she had him spend the night...

My mother is also overbearing in some aspects, and way too loose in others. Difficult to explain really.

My brother has on several occasions back stabbed me. Each time, I brush it off and think 'He's my brother after all'.

He's lied to me, tricked me, rallied me on his side of various conflicts, only to find out he used my influence with people to get things his way. This also goes for my mother and sister.

I can go on and on, with deeper problems. But I don't really like divulging all of my private life here on the boards.

I'm not saying I'm perfect, far from it. But I've never done these things to anyone in my family, or anyone else for that matter.

Thanks for the replies.

Peace,

FK


**Edit**

If they hated you as much as you do them, would your story be different?

No, but it'd make things easier if that makes sense.

I've never been abused physically thank goodness. However, almost every time I speak with my mother, she lays a new guilt trip on me. And as the sucker I am, I fall for it.

FK

[edit on 11-3-2008 by Frontkjemper]

No one gets to choose their family, you just get what you get, the secret is to get the best of what you get, and probably appreciate it.

It's hard to appreciate family and friends who keep screwing you over.

I bent over backwards for my brother, yet he continues to act the way he does.

The same goes for everyone else. I'm quite frankly fed up.

No matter what I do, I'm the one who gets dumped on. And today was the last straw. I've tried changing myself to conform better to my family, but you can only give so much before you're worn out completely.

You are right though, we can't choose our family, but we do have the power to choose to associate with them, or to cut them out of our lives.

Peace,
FK

reply to post by Frontkjemper


Hey Frontkjemper, thanks for posting this. It's nice to see people discussing more than just politics every now and then, and it's nice that people trust the rest of us enough to share their problems and seek advice.

Family is different than friends. Family, unless it is an extreme situation such as abuse, rape, or even murder, you tend to want to give a little more forgiveness to close family than even best friends. Family does come first.

However, there comes a point when the crap you get from certain family members becomes too much. There comes a point where they jab you that final time, backstab you that final time, or screw up that final time when you were the one there to tell them the consequences of their actions, and they failed to listen because they feel as if they know it all.

As an older brother, and the oldest child, myself, I certainly see where you are coming from. I've felt the same frustration. The frustration of the younger ones being so narrow and simple minded that they can't see what's really important in life. The frustration of you flat out telling them not to do this or not to do that because they're going to regret it, only to have them do it, prove you right, and they're still stupid enough to not accept that they were wrong.

It's very frustrating.

You give your family more forgiveness, but there comes a point where enough is just enough, and you should separate yourself from them. I'm not saying quit talking to them for the rest of your life, but there comes a point where that big brother/best friend, here to help whenever you need it, "you can talk to me" type of approach to them needs to be put on the back burner until they prove to you that they're worthy of your help, advice and most of all, care.

There's just that imaginary line in the sand where they screw you over one too many times, and it becomes obvious that they don't really care that you're their family. It's at that point you need to have the same mindset and not care that they're your family. Otherwise, you stand to take on the same stuff that irritates you the most, because unless you outright take a stand and say "no", and force them to, eventually, when they grow up a little, realize the error of their ways and realize that they severely damaged one of the few true allies they'll have in their lifetime, they're not going to change.

I hope everything works out for the best for you, man, what ever that may mean. Good luck!

I think hate is the wrong word here. You actually sound like you care for them a great deal which of course does not equal hate at all. Perhaps you dislike and disagree with some of the things that your family does but it doesn't sound like you hate them.

I think the communication lines need to be opened in your family.

I have to say, upon reading your initial post I honestly thought you were a teenager. Was kind of shocked to see you're almost 30! This is not to berate or belittle you, but your post does seem a bit immature..

Family is hard to deal with...good or bad. It seems most of your "hate" is actually jealousy. Hey we all have times where we get jealous or feel left out...that's normal. But instead of brooding and hating your siblings..try approaching them and telling them your concerns.

Also, as another poster said, you can distance yourself from them. Don't put yourself in a situation again where your brother can backstab, or lie to you.

Sorry, I know this may sound like I'm being a b*tch...I'm really not trying to be, but you need to communicate your feelings with them. I haven't seen or spoken to some family members in many years and would give anything to have them back. They were unfortunately too wrapped up in their jealousy, anger and selfishness to make things work..

Michelle

i gotta say, that if you find yourself hating everyone, it's probably because you are a hateful person, or because you hate yourself.

stop being so interested in your family members' faults and problems, and you may just stop hating them so much.

Originally posted by Michelle129

Family is hard to deal with...good or bad. It seems most of your "hate" is actually jealousy. Hey we all have times where we get jealous or feel left out...that's normal. But instead of brooding and hating your siblings..try approaching them and telling them your concerns.

I can sort of understand where this person is coming from now, in retrospect. I was the 4th child in a family out of a set of twins that was an unexpected pregnancy. There has always been some sort of animosity towards me, that does not reflect in the two older children who were wanted pregnancies. Plus.........LOL, I have all the looks, charms, and brains. I figure they finally got it right with me, even if I was a mistake!

Sorry, I know this may sound like I'm being a b*tch...I'm really not trying to be, but you need to communicate your feelings with them. I haven't seen or spoken to some family members in many years and would give anything to have them back. They were unfortunately too wrapped up in their jealousy, anger and selfishness to make things work..

My elder brother and sister, and my own twin fought so much over little things when my grandmother died, I basically swore the whole bunch off. They were so desperate for a pittance, I could not understand why. I walked away with virtually nothing, and never looked back. People like that, I don't need in my life, even if they are relatives. But it goes a bit further into family politics.

If people aren't good for you in your life, walk away. Just because you share a blood bond, it doesn't mean you owe them anything.

If you love them, and can deal with all the crappola, then you need to communicate your concerns to them.

If they are just jerks, then walk away. Don't worry yourself to death over it. I am sure, if you think things are so bad, they can do away with having to deal with you, also.

Best wishes to you.

reply to post by scientist


I love your thougts, really do.

But I do understand where this one might be coming from.

Maybe she is considered a threat by other family members. It's just not always black and white.

If you grow up in a family where you were not expected as a child, as I was, and were always treated with an attitude of "well, I didn't get an abortion because we simply couldn't afford it" Lalala la la la, and then have other siblings that just rip you over the coals because they were the ones planned for........hmmmmm

This has been my situation, anyway.

NovusOrdoMundi - A+ post, I took a lot of what you wrote to heart. Thumbs up.


snowflake_obsidian - I used to care a lot, they meant the world to me. Now I just feel the need to have them as far away from me as I can.

Michelle129 - No offense taken. We each perceive things and people in a different way.

scientist - This is a rant section, what do you expect? **Edit** Just saw this has been moved to the chitchat section. But it was originally in the rant section.

Enthralled Fan - Another A+ post. Thanks.


Now, some might think I'm coming off as immature, or hateful, if that's the way you perceive it, there's not much I can do to change that.

But I would have looked at it a bit differently. I'd have looked at it like a post from a person who's seriously fed up with being fed the s*** in the family.

It's been going on since I came back to Norway. I get along best with my grandparents, maybe one of the big reasons why I've spent more time with them then my own mother. My grandparents even adopted me, which I really am great full for.

And this about jealousy? Sorry, I'm not the jealous type. What makes me upset is that my brother wanted me to trust him, and to rely on him. So I do. And I give him 100% of my support. But then a short time later, everything does a complete 180 degree turn around and I'm expected not to care. Hence my brothers comment "Maybe... Whats it to YOU?!"

My trust and faith has been broken in my brother. The same for the rest of my family.

And for this, I just need to step away for them. Maybe you are right in the sense that I don't really hate them, but it's not too far away.

Thank you all for your responses and thoughts.

Two thumbs up.

Peace,
FK

[edit on 13-3-2008 by Frontkjemper]

If you hate your origins, you have dishonored yourself, because you have denied your own creation. Make every effort to reconcile yourself to your origin so you do not become separated from them.

Originally posted by ben91069
If you hate your origins, you have dishonored yourself, because you have denied your own creation. Make every effort to reconcile yourself to your origin so you do not become separated from them.

This is really a nice thought, and I agree it is important to have family you can trust, and feel love for.

Do you recall a story, from childhood about an ugly duckling? It's a about a swan egg that was raised in a nest of ducks, and hatched, being very different.

Some of us need to realize that in order to find ourselves a swan, we need to realize that family isn't everything. It's who we really are that matters, and not always appeasing, or feeling that you need to, other family members to be who you are.

All a person can do really, is be themselves. Sometimes it doesn't just fall into place. Try as hard as you might, you don't always fit in.

reply to post by Frontkjemper


hey, I know where you come from, I feel the same way about my mother. I only see her on Holidays and I try to keep my distance from her and keep our conversations shallow because I know she is a toxic person. It doesn't mean that I don't care and it certainly doesn't mean that I hate her, although sometimes it cetainly does feel like it.

Obviously these issues are still in your mind and you DO care or else you wouldn't be ranting about them.

I suppose it was rather brash of me to say I hate my family. In hindsight, I suppose I care a great deal about them.

I also try to keep in mind, that there are 'always two sides to a story', not just about this situation, but everything in life.

It helps to see thing from both sides, even though that may be difficult at times. And I suppose I should have taken into thought how my family sees me.

I just get frustrated , which I'm sure we all do at times, with our families. But more often then not, it feels as though I'm traveling a one way street. So much is expected of me, yet it's wrong for me to expect anything in return.

Especially when my younger brother and sister come to me, asking me to spend the night because they have been arguing with mom, or if they need to talk, my door was always open, no questions asked.

Yet, when I want an answer to a question, I'm told to mind my own. And sometimes, it feels like I'm bashing my head against a wall.

My mother will ask me to watch over the littlest one in the family when no one else is available, 99 percent of the time, I say yes. Unless I truly am unavailable. When my youngest brother is with me alone, he's a different person entirely. We sit and watch tv, goof off, or play the xbox. I enjoy our 1 on 1 time. But that all changed when my mother comes back. He's the obnoxious little brat he usually is. Then next time she asks me to watch him, she'll make an off handed remark, 'Don't be mean to him when you watch him'. First time I was shocked, wondering what I did wrong. Second time, I thought she was just overly worried about her youngest son. (As he has separation anxiety.) But then it gets more frequent, and she tells me that 'Lars' (the youngest) says I've been mean to him. Which is a big slap in the face to me, I know why he says it though, because he wants to join my mother to the doctor, or out to shop. But even if I say that to her, she basically rolls her eyes in disbelief. It's like she trusts me, but doesn't at the same time. Confusing as that may be.

But every time there's an 'incident' with me and my family, I feel betrayed. Like I'm good enough 'just for that moment, when they don't have any body else to talk to, or to 'hang out with''. But when they do, I get the cold shoulder.

But again, you all are right. I don't hate them. But I can't be around them anymore. It's just very hurtful, and depressing. I just need to be left alone for a good while.

I work a lot, trying to get a good future for myself and my child. That's what I need to focus on, our future.

Anyways, thanks for the kind replies. Much appreciated.

Peace,
FK

When it boils down I think the problem of all domestic issue is just the nature of people. We as people have our good and our bad characteristics, but sometimes we let the bad get to us without even realizing it. I think the problem with family is we are around each other more often, and experience first hand their negativity. And these negativity affect us the most, we have are bonded closest to our family members, if not by blood, then by feelings, and experiences.

And to be honest, I don't think you hate your family, rarely anyone can truly say they hate their family. I think you care about them a lot, possibly your just frustrated that you can't do anything to show them their err. Well my best advice is to be persistent, keep helping them out as much as possible, talk to them, even avoiding them can be helpful, make them realize what they took for granted in life, you!!

But to be serious, you can help them so much, its their life and their decision, you can offer them all of the choices in the world, but only they can choose how they want to live their life. The best you can do is remind them they still have thoses choices. I think your biggest focus right now should be on your kid man, he/she is now your new family, and as the man of the family make sure have kid have it better than you, and makes sure your kid turn out to be a good lad. But you don't need me to tell you that....

Anyways, I hope you can resolve your family issues, or set your family straight.

[edit on 15-3-2008 by skyblueff0]

Read a piece of advice somewhere ... and I believe it to be excellent:

When in a bad situation,

(1) try to fix it -- change it -- make it better

(2) if that doesn't work .. try to change your attitude re: the situation, whatever

(3) if that doesn't work .. get the hell away from it -- out of it -- walk away


Life's short.

There are bad situations -- no win situations.

Sometimes, if you stay in those situations -- even with the best of intentions --- they'll pull you down with them --- will chew up your years, energy, etc.

So, you give it your best shot. Then a few more best shots.
Then it's time to walk.

It's old but true --- we don't choose our family.

Often, if we could choose ... we'd choose far different people.

Often, we don't like some or all of our family members.

There may be very good reasons for that. They may be unlikeable. We may have little to nothing in common with them. They may not like us. They might enjoy making our lives a misery. They may enjoy manipulating our misplaced loyalties.

To whom do we owe loyalty, when it's all boiled down? To ourselves ? Yes. To God or whatever deity we worship ? Yes. And to those who've earned our loyalty, respect, etc.

Often, being member of a family is not much different to being on a bus-ride. We get used to people on the bus. We force ourselves to tolerate them. We grow to understand them. But still .. we may not like them or even enjoy their company.

Should we pretend to like people? Should we force ourselves to like people ? No, in my opinion.

There are 6 billion plus people out there. Lots of them we WILL like and enjoy and respect. We owe it to ourselves to be with people who bring out the best .. not the worst .. in us.

Life is short. There are no prizes for remaining amongst people we don't like or enjoy, 'just because' we might be related.

We grow up. We face facts. We're honest with ourselves.

If we've done all we can to fix a problem and if we've done all we can to change our attitude to the situation, then that's all we need do. If things remain bad, then the intelligent thing to do is start giving ourselves some respect and loyalty ... and get the hell away from a bad / toxic / destructive / mind-destroying situation.

Some families are a mess. The mess up everyone involved with them.

No-one 'owes' it to anyone or any family to be a masochist and to ruin their own lives for the sake of a group of people ... their 'family'.

Some families have a scapegoat .. someone they know they can kick time and time again and get away with it.

That scapegoat does not belong in that family. That scapegoat owes it to themselves to walk away .. far away. To go find others, who'll appreciate them and treat them with respect.

I think the OP's family sound odious -- the father, the siblings, all of them.

Walk away, OP. You're being wasted on those people. They're pulling you down.

No need to apologise for the way you feel.

Don't make excuses for them.

Don't blame yourself.

Walk away. Learn to smile again. Find people who will appreciate you and make you feel good about yourself and about life. You owe it to yourself and to your child.

Good luck :-)