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need feedback on love poem...

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posted on Mar, 8 2008 @ 06:21 PM
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this is a poem i'm working on for my fiancee, i just need some objective feedback on whether it sounds complete or if it's too short, because i never trust my own judgement. here's what i've got so far:

your love's a drug and i'm addicted
despite all the kisses i still want more
my love for you can't be restricted
perfect male beauty for me to adore

my other half in you i have found
intensity apparent from the start
this burning desire knows no bounds
and wants become needs within my heart.


it seems like it needs a third verse, though i've expressed mostly what i wanted in the two i already have.




posted on Mar, 8 2008 @ 06:37 PM
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maybe a third verse about being together forever or something like that?
other than that, I think it sounds fine.



posted on Mar, 8 2008 @ 06:38 PM
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What you can do is just go into your heart which you already seem to be, and auto write all the words that flow from your emotions. put the words together for your final line or lines. It sounds great sounds like you have found you soul mate.



posted on Mar, 8 2008 @ 07:33 PM
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thank you for the feedback. i have some rough drafts for a third verse, i just have to reorganize the thoughts/feelings into proper form. but yeah, the words do flow easily since they're coming straight from the heart.



posted on Mar, 8 2008 @ 07:41 PM
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what u have so far is very nice

i wish someone would write something like that for me

one day

anyways, i think psychedeliack had some pretty good advice

cheers



posted on Mar, 8 2008 @ 07:50 PM
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I think most guys if they are not dysfunctional scare away from Forevers. Now once you have him for certain, and there is no doubt, or he loves you more, then it is perfectly acceptable.



posted on Mar, 8 2008 @ 08:31 PM
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well he is her fiance

if you agree to be married to someone you should have forever in your head



posted on Mar, 8 2008 @ 09:09 PM
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The poem is great and it flows good.

A third verse would fit nicely, but it works without one too.



posted on Mar, 9 2008 @ 03:51 PM
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yeah, most guys would shy away from Forevers, but ironically it was me that first pushed him away, because he seemed way too intense and committed in the beginning, like a week after we'd met. he had Forever in his head a year before i was ready to even consider the concept of Forever, due to some really bad experiences in the past. as a result, i first chose somebody else, who seemed safer at first but then turned out to be a real loser. a bunch of crazy stuff happened last year that brought me to realize i'd actually had true love and passed it up for something that seemed more convenient at the time. i was just lucky he still felt the same for me a year later and took me back without hesitation.



posted on Mar, 9 2008 @ 09:29 PM
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Wow love usually does not give second chances like that. He must be a sweet guy. Often they are the ones to take home to Mom really.
You know with the bottom getting ready to drop and the State of the Union never so dire, I tell you if you can find a man that loves you, and it can work out for the best, then go for it girl.

Remember that the stages of love are not all the honeymoon stage. A good relationship takes on many forms throughout the years. At times you will be lovers and at others just friends, always be open and honest with one another and it will last until you are both old and grey.

My Grandma told me in marriage some days its chicken breast and some days its feathers. Learn to love the days of feathers.

You start out with passion and as you progress it becomes compassion and if you love deep enough , long enough it becomes empathy. And empathy is true love, when what affects your love affects you, wow you have been blessed in love.



posted on Mar, 9 2008 @ 10:02 PM
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Very good poem.

I agree with the others. Could possibly use a "forever" portion but it works well without it.



posted on Mar, 16 2008 @ 01:22 PM
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Originally posted by Voltzen


your love's a drug and i'm addicted
despite all the kisses i still want more
my love for you can't be restricted
perfect male beauty for me to adore

my other half in you i have found
intensity apparent from the start
this burning desire knows no bounds
and wants become needs within my heart.




You're lucky because I'm a love poem master (I've written love poems before that could of been published).

I would remove those big words like restricted and apparent. And then add more romantic ones. I would drop the drug part, it doesn't sound very sweet. Also be sure to use his name in the poem (like make it rhyme at the end). Make all rhymes next to each other (like instead of rhyming every other line), but don't make every line rhyme.

The secret to a love poem is to write your feelings. First write all of your feelings down really fast and try to make it rhyme. Then add and remove words to make it sound more romantic. I presume you're a girl, so you should know what that is.



posted on Mar, 16 2008 @ 04:06 PM
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reply to Voltzen:

I've dared to introduce some small changes. Excuse me, I just wanted to help.

"Your love's a drug and I'm addicted,
despite all the kisses I still want more.
My love for you cannot be restricted:
perfect male beauty for me to adore.

My other half in you I have found,
intensity was apparent from the start;
this burning desire knows no bound:
wants become need deep in my heart.

Remember my darling how much I love you.
No matter the future, be sure that I'll always do."

I'm sorry, can't do it better. Last verse is like a confirmation, instead of using forever it mentions the future. I've had a nice time doing it.

Schüss.


(When I re-read it, it seems to me a bad addition. Sorry again).



posted on Jul, 15 2008 @ 04:10 PM
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i suppose i broke the addiction... i failed to protect him and now he's gone...

i can't let myself mourn him but i guess i needed to learn that i can't save everyone... distant stars are made of the same dust, he told me once... heh...



posted on Jul, 16 2008 @ 02:48 AM
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post removed for serious violation of ATS Terms & Conditions




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