(A man walks into a candy store...a chocolate store....a chocolatier as it were. A house of chocolate. Sort of a bank where you can deposit cash and withdraw chocolate. You can use your American Express. Don't leave home without it colonel. Un magasin de chocolat. Ein Schokolade Geschäft. Ooh da ladies do love chocolate......)
(A man sitting at a desk, clipping his finger nails.....just looks briefly at the camera and says)
Sorry. Once again, a man walks into a chocolate store:
(cut to a chocolate store somewhere in the UK....a very large woman is eyeing the choclates in a case and bending over to do it. It is the first
thing a gentleman sees upon entering the store)
WO! how's that? That's a might distractin' now isn't it? My dad always said: The big ones like the skinny lads. You see a big gal lookin'
your way and you had better run. If one comes your way, you run. If one asks you a question or talks to you in any way, pretend to die on the spot.
Be prepared to lie there all day if you have to!
Right then. Are you 'ere to buy chocolate or are you 'ere to look up the knickers of large women?
C: I certainly didn't come to this here establishment to look at the knickers of big gals. I can tell you that right now.
P: You are going to tell me that, right now?
C: I just told you that.
P: Why do you feel the need to use the "right now" at the end of your statement. It's like those bloody bastards in America that are always going
on about what they are "fixin' to do." I'm fixin' to go 'ave me some lunch. I'm fixin' to 'ave me a number two. I'm fixin' to axe murder
C: That's not the same at all, squire. Now, I wants to buy some chocolates for the missus.
P: In a bleedin' moment. It is the same you goat excrement!
C: Goat excrement? And by the way, it's in the Yoonited States and in some of the southern states where they say "Fixin' to."
P: OOH. Ain't we all la di da. The Yoonited states, eh? In the southern states then. Your one of them fancy nancy boys. All la di da with your
fancy college educated speaking voice. I fart in your general direction and the direction of your family's house.
C: Look here then. I came here to buy chocolate, not to take this abuse.
P: (under his breath) Ahhh...it says in the script that in fact you ARE to take the abuse.
C: But I did come here to buy some bloody chocolate. Can I have chocolate WITH the abuse?
P: (still under his breath) I appreciate 'ow ya feel colonel, I do, but it states quite clearly in the script that under NO circumstances am I to
give you any chocolate. I don't even 'ave any chocolate on this 'ere premises.
C: Well, that's different then...(pulls out a gun and shoots the proprietor)
[edit on 11-3-2008 by Excitable_Boy]