Strict parents

Originally posted by loam


I have to agree with Valhall, but I'd like to add LOVE your parents despite their faults. They want what is best for you because they love you. They wont be around forever, so do as Val suggests when you need to, but open your heart for all of the other times... You'll be glad you did later when they are gone.

Perfection. Loam has perfected it. Just love them, respect that their position is important to them, and remember you are your own person. All of those things can be done at one time.

reply to post by Bluess



i fully agree Bluess
my daughter has not got good grades but she wants to be a hairdresser, stylest thingy kind of person, them people who cut hair

she is getting disgraceful wages at the moment but i will stand by her and help her in everyway i can so she can fullfil her dreams.

as long as she does the best as she can, i am more than happy..
DAD, ironic isnt it
do the best that YOU can and be grateful you had the chance to do it..

i wish you all the luck that you can manage and hope everything works out for you.

keep smiling
CF

Show them one of the report cards I used to get. After they freak out and have a heart attack, go...

"JUST KIDDING! Here's what I really got!"

Sometimes people just need to have things put into perspective for them...

Originally posted by die_another_day
We'll here are my grades

1st 9weeks /2nd 9weeks /Midterm Exam /Semester
IB Precalc/ A A A A
IB French II/ A B+ B+ A
AP Stat/ A A B A
AP Euro Hist./ A A A A
IB Chem./ A A A A
AP English/ A A B+ A

WHY am I telling you this? We'll lets see, my parents just got pissed because I have 3 B's in my semester exams which does not matter as colleges only look at my semester grade, Im in my sophomore year, and school isn't easy, however they cannot understand how hard I am trying to acheive as high as I can. Those classes are not easy in my point of view, but all my parents say is that "You're Chinese, you need to do 10 times as better as Americans, US Schools are easy, so why the hell did you get B's? From now on you cannot play video games anymore."

I AM SICK AND TIRED OF THIS #, SERIOUSLY.

By the way, they accused me of giving it late to them because they think that I will be too afraid to show them my grades.

[edit on 1/30/2008 by die_another_day]

...................................

I don't blame you for being sick and tired of it.

You're not a child. They raised you and should know you. They're good grades. You know it .. we know it .. they should know it. Yet they've insulted you .. as well as implying they hold the 'power' and whip-hand so that you're 'afraid to show them your grades'. They don't deserve you.

Plus, they're ignorant, arrogant and racist, if they said as you've recounted here. Who do they imagine themselves to be ? What sort of thing is that to say to you ? They took you to the US. They were lucky to be accepted by the US. Sounds as if they're not prepared to respect their host nation however, and are trying to instill their ignorance in you.

If I were you, I would point that out to them and demand that they change because you find their attitudes to be offensive and ignorant in the extreme.

You're not a pedigree dog or cat to be paraded for their glory. They're supposed to be your parents. They're supposed to understand you .. support you. If they loved you, they wouldn't push you to exhaustion as if you were a farm animal. If they loved you, they would *know* that you are sick of their nagging and bravado. They should want what's best for YOU .. not for themselves.

They're treating you as if you were a child by threatening to stop you enjoying some down-time via computer games. Is it *you* they're concerned about ... or their own pride and vanity ?

From what you've said, it sounds as if they have no faith at all in your judgement. No trust in you. Or at least that's how I'd feel if my parents had spoken to me that way. You're almost an adult. I have no doubt you're coping with stresses about which they have no clue. Hand them one of your assignments and tell them you expect them to complete it and gain A+. Tell them if they fail to achieve that, then they have no right to levy their unreasonable demands on you.

Then, you could hint that due to their unrealistic and insulting attitudes, you plan to take a year out to consider if you really want to proceed with your educational path. You could say you're planning to get a menial job and to goof off for once before back-packing around the States. After all, it's your life. You could explain that seeing how your best isn't good enough, then fine .. it's not good enough. Bye bye.

They're bullying you and I don't believe it's 100% for your benefit. It's for themselves .. for their ego and pride and very probably money plays a role as well.

Bullies deserve to learn how it feels. When you've made your point, it's very likely they'll drop their pretensions and learn a new respect for you. Who knows .. they might even begin to see you as a unique individual with the right to make your own decisions.

Good luck

your parents are similar to mine in some ways.

I usually get above 3.5 GPA average and I'm taking 2 APs this year (I'm a senior in high school) and I've scored pretty high on my SAT (nearly perfect score on english). every time my report card arrives, my mom is very appreciative and provides positive reinforcement. then my dad sees it and asks me why I'm getting B's. I hate it, it feels like he's trying to make me feel shameful for grades that most kids would kill to have. I also hate it because I know that no matter what I answer, he's going to turn it around on me and make things more difficult than they have to be, so I usually just say "I don't know" even though I usually do.

my parents aren't quite the same as your however because we're a white family who has deep roots in America, so their mindset is more of a "we want you to do your very best to make sure you get a high paying job" type of deal. recently while walking through a lower income section of town, my Dad asked me if I wanted to live a life like these people did. looking around, many of these people actually seemed pretty happy despite their conditions. I wanted to say that it didn't look so bad and ultimately we shouldn't judge them because it's their life, not ours, but I just shook my head and said no.

all the same, I find your parent's mindset very similar. their mindset of competing with Americans is nonsense. there's a college out there for everyone. as long as you get over a 3.5 GPA and decent SAT scores, chances are good that you'll end up in a pretty nice university somewhere. it's not as if there's some sort of massive shortage in spots for intelligent young people.

it's important to note that no one here is to blame. your grades are great for your grade level and the classes you're taking. you should be proud of yourself and your parents should be too. if they aren't, then forget what they think. it's all about working towards what YOU want in life. do what you want in life, don't let your parents influence you to make you do something you don't want to. YOU'RE going to have to live your life, not them. don't go to law school or whatever it is just because your parents want you to make a lot of money. do what you have a passion for.

as for taking tennis and community service or volunteer work: do what you want to. if you want to play tennis, GO FOR IT! chase what interests you. same with volunteer work. however, don't just take tennis because your parents are making you or because you think it'll look good on your college apps. first off, you should be playing a sport you enjoy. second of all, tennis is one of the most cliche sports played by people. not to be stereotypical, but it's my experience that like 90% of the asians at my school took tennis and they did it because their parents made them or they thought it would look good. don't let this deter you if you really want to play tennis, but just understand that there are many others probably taking tennis lessons for no good reason. Colleges look for unique people, not clones. for instance, I took fencing classes for a few years and I recently received a letter of acceptance from a college with a direct reference to my fencing. be unique, be you.

keep up the good work and good luck resolving this with your parents. stay strong

[edit on 2/14/2008 by FinalSonicX]

Be thankful your not in China!!

Seriously. I teach In Hong Kong and some of the things I here parents say about their kids really makes me want to punch them square in the boat race.

"X is much better at reading than you"

"Y can write much neater than you"

And this is to primary age kids!! WTF!! It's not just Asians that are like this, there is an element of it in any society.

You could point this out as well.

Suicide is one leading cause of death for those aged 15 - 24 in Hong Kong. This age group also has the highest admission rate for attempted suicide at the Accident and Emergency Departments of the Hospital Authority.

Sucide Report Hong Kong

I'm in no way suggesting this as an option for you, but parents sometimes have the best interests of their children at heart while completely missing the wood for the trees. Push, push, push and someone will fall...

Also if you wanna mess with their heads a little put posters of Edison Chen all over your room and tell your parents his *Player* style is awesome and that just how you wanna roll!!

Take it easy Dude.

MonKey

reply to post by die_another_day


Dear Precious beleagured Chinese Student . . .

My heart goes out to you . . . as a psychologist . . . and as someone who's lived more than 15 years in China/Taiwan.

I'm going to run some role playing kinds of statements out as though I were you talking to your parents.

I don't know if any of it will have any value, or not.

IF, IF, IF, IF, IF

YOU CAN honestly "own" any of what I write as your own thoughts and feelings--PLEASE FEEL FREE TO DO SO. And modify the wording however you see fit. You know your parents best, obviously.

If not, please flush it or whatever parts of it . . . Here goes . . .

1. Mom, Dad,

You have raised me to do my best. I've been doing pretty close to my best. It grieves me--it dismays me--it discourages me and leaves me feeling super depressed and angry that you don't believe me.

2. I'm not a robotic automaton. Maybe other Chinese students can manage to function that way. I can't. And I'm certainly not willing to try harder to be an automaton. I can't stomach that. It's destroying me inside.

3. And the more you complain about me not being perfect, the more I want to give up and quit trying entirely. PERFECTION is a horrible slave master. I can never achieve perfection in your eyes or any other eyes. The escalating demands leave me feeling utterly hopeless. I'm not the suicidal type but the pressures you put me under would have driven me to it long ago, if I were.

4. IF you want a viable, functional, mutually loving relationship with me, then I need you to treat me with more respect. Your behavior toward me in demanding unachievable perfection is draining the respect I've had for you all my life more and more rapidly and I hate that. I hate not feeling warm support and encouragement from you. I hate it more than I've ever hated anything else my whole life. It feels like you've turned into some sort of midevil torturists intent only on harrassing me until I'm as miserable as you can leave me feeling. I hate feeling that way and I hate thinking towards you that way.

5. You have a lot of power over me. You can continue to kill my inner person--the spark that keeps me going regardless of the pressures. You can leave me a dry, shallow, aching, miserable shell of a person--a miserable hulk without soul, without heart, without life or hope. You can kill me while I still walk around like some numbed out helpless, hopeless zombie. But I don't think you would be proud of that as a daughter. I don't think you would be proud of achieving that result in my life.

6. At some point, I would be forced to withdraw more and more from any normal authentically human relationship and dialogue with you. I would have to--to survive at all--as a person and certainly as me. Do you really want that? I think you would do well to count the cost before you continue down that road.

7. I'm not some inexhaustible piece of stainless steel that you bend and fire and hammer and hammer and hammer and hammer and hammer endlessly into some sword point of your design and your choosing for you pride, for your ego.

8. I'm a person. I'm your daughter. I'm your flesh and blood and I hate feeling that I'm no longer treated like I am but instead am treated like some inexhaustible, indestructible robot. I can't handle that. I won't handle that. I will not continue to live like that.

9. What happened to FAMILY? What happened to mutual respect? What happened to mutual support? What happened to tenderness between us?

10. There are many kinds of success. Perfect grades can be a hollow kind of empty, dry and even deadly 'success.' Some research shows that perfectionists have LESS SUCCESSFUL LIVES AND CAREERS than those who more or less do their best but score maybe even 80% under PERFECTIONISTS. A) Perfectionists earn less money. B) Perfectionists have less job satisfaction. C) Perfectionists marry less satisfying spouses and have less satisfying marriages. D) Perfectionists have more illness. NO THANKS. That's not my choice. E) Their rank and status is also not as high.

11. Not only is such a horrible price to pay for perfectionism--IT'S NOT ME. AND I REFUSE TO TRY ANY HARDER TO MAKE IT ME--THE SUIT DOES NOT FIT AND I WON'T WEAR IT. And it hurs me and even at some point angers me that you'd even imagine it was a fitting suit for me--much less ask and much, much less demand that I wear it. I thought you were my loving parents, not my torturers. I hate your stealing my parents away from me and replacing them with my torturers. I want my loving parents back.

12. I'm aware of the risks of less than perfect grades. I'm prepared to take the consequences of being me. I can do no less nor no more. But it must be me. I cannot allow even you to try and live your lives through me to satisfy your unmet needs and egos. I can only be me. I have tried to honor your requests and even your demands. At some point it breaks down. It breaks down horribly. I hate living like that. I hate living even 1/4th like that. Part of me would rather live a homeless street person than suffer that kind of endless pressure day in and day out from the very folks I used to think loved me most.

13. I'm willing to accept supportive encouragement for me to do my more or less comfortable best. But when your pressures start to dump life destroying cortisol into my blood stream--shortening my life--I have to blow the whistle to stop. Something has gone horribly wrong at that point.

14. We can negotiate the time I need in breaks from my studying. I'm not trying to be a lazy slacker. But I need you to support sanity breaks and just breaks period.

15. Studying intellectual things is done best in 10-20 minute chunks. Then I need to take a break--do something mindless--take a walk; empty the trash; exercise; whatever while my brain sorts and files what I've just studied. At the very least, I need to change topics every 20 minutes. A lot of research is clear that hours and hours of pouring yet more of the same content past one's eyes attempting to pound it into one's brain just does not work--IT'S NOT EFFICIENT. IT WASTES TIME and certainly adds stress. At some point, the brain throws up barriers consciously and unconsciously . . . resisting being overwhelmed with an integration task too rapid and too demanding. I need respect for being merely human in that regard.

16. I care for you and want the best relationship we can manage at this stage of my life. The pressures of school and society are horrendous. I need--desperately need your love and support. BUT IF IT CANNOT BE EMPATHETIC AND UNDERSTANDING LOVE AND SUPPORT--THEN IT IS NOT LOVE AND IT WILL NOT BE SUPPORTIVE.

. . . .

I hope there's at least some food for thought for you and your parents above. Please U2U me if you have further questions or if you have posted something here for me to respond to. I don't always get back to threads I post on.

Blessings,
Dr Bo