Bein' A Nascar Driver And Stuff..........

So I was listenin' to a program on my fancy transistor radio. Like they were talkin' about how those guys who drive those really cool racin' cars with all the stickers on them are like athletes and stuff. Hmmmmmmmmmmm...... So I sat down on my thinkin' couch and did some thinkin' and stuff. So like I said to myself, Self? I was an athlete and stuff. Yep I made it all the way to 3rd base at the 4 year old T-ball championship game! Yeah!
Hmmmmmm.......... I bet I could drive one of those really cool racin' cars and stuff. Yeah!
So like I turn on my fancy 14" black & white Zenith television. In a couple of minutes that fancy TV was all warmed up and stuff, and like I turned that cool dial on the front to change the channels. Man! I have like 6 channels and stuff! Yeah! So I'm flippin' that dial and stuff when I suddenly hear
"Reeeeeeer.................Reeeeeeer.................Reeeeeeeeer........"
So like I adjust the really cool antennae on top of my fancy 14" black & white Zenith Television. Yeah! There it is! That is one clear picture and stuff.
"Reeeeeerr.................Reeeeeeeer........Reeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr"

Yeah that is 1 cool Nascar race.

So, like I'm watchin' that cool Nascar race for awhile.......

"Reeeeer...............Reeeeeerr.........Reeeeeeeer............."

"So, it's a beautiful day for racin' Isn't it Jimmie Mack"

"Yep, it sure is Bobby Jack."

"Only 819 laps to go, this race is really starting to get exciting."

"Look at that Bobby Jack! Driver is going in to get some gas!"

"I don't believe what I'm seeing Jimmie Mack! Stopping to get gas! I can feel my heart racing!"

Huh? I stop and get gas all the time......

"Reeeeer....................Reeeeeeeer...........Reeeeeeeer................"

Hmmmmmmm................ I wonder which is more fun. Watchin' this racin' stuff, or chewin' on tin foil?

Hmmmmmmmmmmm.................

So like I says to myself, Self? I bet I could be beatin' all those racers and stuff. Yep. Like I got a couple of speedin' tickets and stuff, and MAN! I was goin' like really fast and stuff. And like I can stop and get gas, and get my ries changed.
Like I would crank up my radio, and start cruisin' and stuff. Plus I know that I am better than those race car drivers. Yep, you bet. I know how to make a right hand turn! Yeah! Those racin' guys are only makin' left turns. I'd come up behind those racers and make a right hand turn! I bet those racers would be so surprised!

"OK Bobby Jack, with only 815 laps to go I can feel my adrenaline pumping!"

Maybe I need to drink more beer, and open a bag of pork rinds and stuff before it makes sense.

So I call my dog Yabaastad over. "Hey Yabaasted! Come here and watch this racin' and stuff with me....."

"Reeeeeeer..............reeeeeeer.....................reeeeeeeer............."

So like Yabaastad is sittin' there, and I see his eye's glazin' over and stuff.

"Bobby Jack, just 814 laps left. With only 16 more hours of watchin' these cars go around that big circle, I can't imagine what might happen."

Hmmmmmm.................. That's it. I'm gonna go be a driver and stuff!

Wait! Hold On!
Now I know that I'm like better than those sticker covered car drivin', left hand turnin, champagne sprayin' "athletes".
Not only can I make a right hand turn, I can go in reverse too!
Yeah!
Oh, and my car is so much cooler. I don't have to climb through an open window and stuff. Like I just open up the door and go glidin' into that car. Yeah!

And like if those Nascar drivers were so smart they would do what I would do. Like when they're followin' that really slow and stupid Pace Car I would make a really cool right hand turn and pass that pace car and get a couple laps in.
Man! Where do I sign up and stuff?

Off comes the helmet, throw down the gloves...climbing out the window...
Vic K, you might wanna hold the driver back.
Crew chief, put me back in my car.
She's feeling a bit loose...next pit might want to tighten her up.
Else I may blow a motor.
Those other guys may hit the wall, may rub bumpers, but this driver is pedal to the metal, gonna draft to the front, and lead the pack all the way to the checkered.Victory Lane and Champagne baby!
Watch the dust when I burnout!!!!!

Best things about NASCAR


Army goes Nascar


Lombozo...watch this right to the finish...
You cannot tell me this doesn't get your mojo goin'.....
US Army car (Driver Mark Martin)


All about left turns....PFFFT!!!

It's double J for Daytona 2008!!!!

reply to post by AccessDenied


Hmmmmmmmmmmmm................. Gloves and helmets.................. Hmmmmmm................. Yep, they are some real tough guys, eh? I was thinkin' abooot it. Helmets? Why? In case on one of those wicked left hand turns they bang their head on the window?
Man! That would be a tragedy! A bump on the noggin! Yikes!
Try drivin' with my wife in the passenger seat...........
"Why are you in this lane?"
"Who do you think you are, Speed Racer"
"Can't you speed it up, I have to use the privvy."
"Who taught you how to drive?"

I'm a sure bet!
JJ? JJ who?

reply to post by lombozo


GRRRRRR!!! (Polishes A BOOT, files down the heel real nice)
Watch the vids...
Ball bustin..son of a ...

Like my windows would be open. And like I'd have my arm hangin' out the window, and a cigarette in the other hand. The tunes would be blarin', and like I'd be passin' by everybody. And like when I passed somebody, I would point at their tires, and say - you're gettin' a flat and stuff......
I bet they would be so surprised when they made that harrowing left turn into the pit and found out they didn't have flat. Yep and like I would cruise on by with my bandana on and wave at them. I would laugh and laugh.

"Pit"? Who came up with that name and stuff? I would stay away from anything called the 'Pit'.
I think it should be called "The place where pampered prima donnas get other people to change their tires and put gas in the tank while they yell at them to hurry up place"

reply to post by AccessDenied


Sorry, I had the RR headset tuned to Pollack-world. Your doin' fine... we're having ice cream up on the pit box. Gotta turn right to go left anyway. I'd add what I really think, but it wouldn't be fair to those who would use NASCAR for political purposes and to sell coroprate products and militarism to John and Martha Consumer... shoulda seen it in Quebec. The part that wasn't aired. I keep it toned-down. It ain't such a thrill. GD boring actually... 'cept maybe at the Glen.

SumBitches bought CASCAR. Which is fine... thanks NAFTA and that Mulroney-American. We'll start a new series. I'll never attend a NASCAR event again. I'll watch it on the tube but I do not buy sponsors products preferentially.

Once Big-Bill passed on and that punk Brian and that weasel meshugga-Nazi Helton got their mitts on it... well Hendricks is a convicted felon anyway... racketeering. They almost got Dubya's friend DW. Right around the time... NASCAR ceased to be about automotive sport. Can I offer you a competition yellow so June Bug can catch up... or the twenty-four?

I'll make sure I open a door on an organ-donor Yankee cycle-courier and give that punk-ass excuse for a "Coast Guard" the middle finger when they stray to this side of Lake Ontario again. I jest. LOL. Cycle couriers are the real brave 'uns anyway. Levenworth's own Melissa Etheridge song 'bout that sorta jive. Brave and Crazy.

Want real racin'? WRC Monte Carlo or the Acropolis or Dakar (postponed because of terrorism - the real kind, not the foof Brown-shirt Yank version). Sebby Loeb's kickin' butt and doesn't care about the names attached.

NASCAR ain't even real race cars. COTs, Sprint Cup, Nationwise... blah, no wonder the ratings, attendance and ad revs. are in the dumper. Too plain, too political and too slow with 1950's tech. pushrod engines. Hah... It might as well be run by AIPAC. I mean Awesome Bill was lappin' the Big D well up over Two-Ten 20 years ago and even faster in testing.

This year? You might see a buck-eighty-five during the event.

Now... the new 4 wheel Old-Timer League? That's the wreal-wrestlin' entertainment... better scripts anyway. NASCAR is fine excuse to BBQ but not an excuse to miss a good MC race. Just my own personal opinion on that form of entertainment. LOL.

Vic

[edit on 28-1-2008 by V Kaminski]

"So, with only 788 laps left it looks like this race is in the bag."

"Wait! Bobby Jack! Look at that! It looks like a pigeon had accidentaly poo'd on the track!!"

"Billy Mack, I've seen some terrible things, but nothing like this! That just might be the biggest bird poo in Nascar history!"

"Bobby Jack! Look at the poise of the holder of that yellow flag! I don't think anyone could show the courage and poise to wave that yellow flag like that!"

"Look at the way those athletic drivers are steering to the left of that poo!"

"Amazing!"

"Wait! Look at that! Someone just made a right hand turn!"

"Oh no! All of the other drivers are confused!"

"OH NO! Even the pace car is veering!"

"Oh the humanity......."

Driver says Clint Eastwood style...
" Right Turn Clyde!" LOL.....hehehehe hahahaha.....
"nough said.
Saving the boots for later.

reply to post by AccessDenied


I hear you loud and clear Ma'am. Yeah, one can go all Stars and Bars about NASCAR these days... but to have known it in the '60s and '70's... pure, uncut, primo-stash racin'... shoot I remember the 3 in his rookie year. Times change and the product erodes. It's jus' bid'nuss now... and not racing either. It's a media deal and not much more.

Now the Aussie's, they race cars for real. They might be funny-side drive but a crisp Holden or Ford... yup, them's race cars, not so many "parity of competition rules", Aussie's tuners "do". Bathurst rules. Most creative series on the planet... love dem' Supercars. Left and right, give 'er a bite.

Vic