In order to truly love, you must learn to love yourself first.

'In order to truly love, you must learn to love yourself first."

That's the problem. I hate me. I hate Hyzera! I have the self esteem of a neutered dog during breeding season.

I can't look into the mirror nor look at females in their eyes, unless I'm doing something weird or making people laugh, then I can easily stare someone down I always had a knack for making people laugh ^^

I've always stuck with a few close friends and spend my time watching documentries. I actually sat down and watched "The Eleagant Universe" on PBS when I was in 5th grade...and enjoyed it! It was about string theory, quantum mechanics/physics and general relativity.

I always was a thinker and "analyzer". I would analyze myself. Why I was in this mess? Here's what I think:

I hide behind my humor. I seem to have a lot of confidence when I'm making people laugh. However, I have absolutley no problems going up in front of the class and doing some sort of speech or presentation, and I would always add some sort of humor into them.

I'm "addicted" to self-pity, depression, and lust. (As they put it in "What the bleep do we know). I can't seem to stop bashing myself due to the infatuation with the female and getting rejected, which then leads to depression. The female falls out of favor and life is steady for a few months, then someone new comes along and this whole cycle starts again. It's a never ending self-destructive cycle.

"Love lies not in young men's hearts but in their eyes" Quoting Friar Lawrence from Romeo and Juliet. So, a few months ago, a new girl fell into my favor. I know it's not "true love" (took me 2 years of pain to tell the difference between love and infatuation).

Now, is there a way for me to stop this never ending cycle? I'm fighting with myself right now, because tbh I didn't want to type this. I like that warm fuzzy feeling I get from infatuation, but I know it must stop.

This new girl..I just met her, and within 2 months..the cycle started. I can't stop thinking about her, and that warm fuzzy feeling washes through my entire body every time I picture me and her spending time alone..just watching the stars...with her in my arms..*sighs*

I've taken a new approach with her this time, unlike with my other infatuations. Instead of professing my love, I'm just going to be her friend..let my sense of humor work on her, and see where that brings me.

Well, here it is. My super long and annoying story.

P.S.- This new girl..I am able to look into her eyes, but everytime I do, I can't help but smile.

P.P.S- This post must sound weird, because it's sort of a battle going on while im typing this. As you can see, the first half of this is about how self destructive this is, and the other half is describing how awesome this is.

God, I'm so weird.

Editted because I'm a grammar nazi

[edit on 1/14/2008 by Hyzera]

Hi Hyzera, I read this and have thought about you. I really don't think your wierd at all, maybe lacking in social confidence, but nice and sincere also.
Try focusing on some of the attractive qualities that you have stated, You seem romantic , funny, your intelligent with an inquiring mind (I sound like a shcool teacher writing a report) Well any way, gals love this in guys.
Do try not to over analyze though, just relax and take a chill pill, try to enjoy the moment for what it is not what it could be tomorrow.
It's not to late to start looking in the mirror and telling yourself, hubba hubba i'm a big honey anyone would be lucky to be my ''the one''.
Chin up now, of to the mirror for you. see ya nuts.

reply to post by nuts!


Thanks for the advice, but I tried and I can;t.

I have absolutley no confidence in myself and I can't seem to "get" more. I always feel like I'm being looked down upon and I feel very awkward when talking to other people I'm not used to being around.

I'm a very insecure person and it shows when I meet new people or see some friends on the street.

Whenever someone sees me and says 'hi' and then waves, I wave back and mumble a simple 'hi'.

Here's what goes on in my head after that happens:
"Did my voice sound too weird?"
"Did I give off a bad vibe?"
"How were my fingers positioned when I waved?"
"Was the positition too awkward?"
"Did he/she hear my hello?"

Then after that, I would just duck my head and walk away in shame. :bnghd:

The same goes for good-byes as well. I would just mumble "c'ya" and walk away.

Hyzera, that does sound pretty tough. Can you remember a time that you felt better about yourself?. About the mirror thing, keep trying with that, it's a good exercise that will start to help, it just takes a little time. Be patient with yourself. Think of confidence as a muscle that needs to be trained and worked on.
In the mean time, a kind smile speaks volumes. Keep trying you will get there. Take care nuts.

Originally posted by nuts!
Hyzera, that does sound pretty tough.

You make it sound like I have some kind of terminal disease! Lol

I got my group of close friends, and they think I'm normal. I act "normal" around them, and they don't think there's something wrong with me. Oh, and uh that girl is one of them close friends of mine

I do remember times when I feel good about myself. They're usually when I've accomplished something or just did something really really awesome

Me, personally I think I'll feel perfectly excellent about myself once those three words coming out of her mouth! I've never..ever..had a girlfriend, and maybe..just maybe she's the confidence boost I need? Maybe I'm not some ugly little geek..maybe..just maybe

But, I seriouslly think I'm going to end up being the 40 year old virgin. My friend and I were joking around talking about well... me.

Him: A girl walks up to you and says "Hey, Eugene, that's a nice lonely looking corner over there" and you say "Yea, that's a very awesome corner!" and you walk away.
Me:

Lol.