'In order to truly love, you must learn to love yourself first."
That's the problem. I hate me. I hate Hyzera! I have the self esteem of a neutered dog during breeding season.
I can't look into the mirror nor look at females in their eyes, unless I'm doing something weird or making people laugh, then I can easily stare
I always had a knack for making people laugh ^^
I've always stuck with a few close friends and spend my time watching documentries. I actually sat down and watched "The Eleagant Universe" on PBS
when I was in 5th grade...and enjoyed it!
It was about string theory, quantum mechanics/physics and general relativity.
I always was a thinker and "analyzer". I would analyze myself. Why I was in this mess? Here's what I think:
I hide behind my humor. I seem to have a lot of confidence when I'm making people laugh. However, I have absolutley no problems going up in front of
the class and doing some sort of speech or presentation, and I would always add some sort of humor into them.
I'm "addicted" to self-pity, depression, and lust. (As they put it in "What the bleep do we know). I can't seem to stop bashing myself due to the
infatuation with the female and getting rejected, which then leads to depression. The female falls out of favor and life is steady for a few months,
then someone new comes along and this whole cycle starts again. It's a never ending self-destructive cycle.
"Love lies not in young men's hearts but in their eyes" Quoting Friar Lawrence from Romeo and Juliet
. So, a few months ago, a new girl fell
into my favor. I know it's not "true love" (took me 2 years of pain to tell the difference between love and infatuation).
Now, is there a way for me to stop this never ending cycle? I'm fighting with myself right now, because tbh I didn't want to type this. I like that
warm fuzzy feeling I get from infatuation, but I know it must stop.
This new girl..I just met her, and within 2 months..the cycle started. I can't stop thinking about her, and that warm fuzzy feeling washes through my
entire body every time I picture me and her spending time alone..just watching the stars...with her in my arms..*sighs*
I've taken a new approach with her this time, unlike with my other infatuations. Instead of professing my love, I'm just going to be her friend..let
my sense of humor work on her, and see where that brings me.
Well, here it is. My super long and annoying story.
P.S.- This new girl..I am able to look into her eyes, but everytime I do, I can't help but smile.
P.P.S- This post must sound weird, because it's sort of a battle going on while im typing this. As you can see, the first half of this is about how
self destructive this is, and the other half is describing how awesome this is.
God, I'm so weird.
Editted because I'm a grammar nazi
[edit on 1/14/2008 by Hyzera]