the depression washes over me in an instant

man does it suck...i am sitting here, munching a little bit, drinking some coffee and i feel 'ok'...i never feel good but ok i can deal with.
then, like i was sprayed down, BAM, depression and thoughts of hurting mysekf just wash over me.....i can literally FEEL the wash too. it starts at my head and works its way down my body in about a micro second but i feel it.


man do i hate feeling like this.
there is nothing to do to make it better. nothing can help.

i go see my pain doc wednesday, my first session of talk therapy with a psychologist is the wed after that and i don't see my psych till next month. the 3rd i think.

i don't know what to do....

if you go to the ER to try and get help they just think you are seeking drugs. if i go to the center where my psychologist is, they either send me out the door or send me to the hospital via ambulance. i don't want to be admited again.

i'm sitting here looking at this pen, wondering how much pressure i would have to put on it to blast it through the palm of my left hand. then i could go to the hospital and be taken seriously. i would also be admitted to the hospital which i don't want....

i am so tired of this.....

Man, I don't know the answer. I went mental about 7 years ago and I know the feeling. I didn't lash out at myself though and it wasn't really depression, but I know the feeling. My Mom suffers the same thing. I tell her she should find stuff to do - keep her mind busy - but she says she isn't interested in anything. It is just a catch-22.

All I can say is it takes time and try to think positively about things as much as you can muster.

reply to post by ben91069


i lash out but i do it to myself cause even through the bipolar and ptsd, i know if i lash out at others there will be other consequences and i don't need that. also, as miserable as i am and as much as i dislike people, i don't want to hurt them.
i fear that one day i will hurt someone though...

i just did a water change in my fish tank and that killed about 15 minutes...i played some phish, live in brooklyn..

i'm just not happy. i am miserable.
i do not want to die. i am scared of it but at th eexact same time, i feel like i do not want to live.
i was dealt a #ty hand and i have little control over my pain and my emotions.
i don't want to be this way...i don't think i deserve this. i know my wife does not deserve this.

she goes to work each day wondering what kind of stupid crap i am going to possibly do.

life=teh suck

Do you like exercise? I know the weather is crappy, but when its warm I can kill an entire day bike riding and just watching the world go by outside.

reply to post by ben91069


my back problems do not allow me the luxery of excercise.
when it is not super cold out(like today) i take my dog for walks but thats about it

I'm sure you have tried this and sorry if you have.

Do you know what things set you off? If not, find out and try to avoid them. Even your diet can make you depressed.

I go through periods where I get extremely depressed and feel like you explained earlier. I just keep thinking that it will pass and it does. I should probably get on some sort of medication, but I am afraid to lose my current job if I get put on any sort of depression treatment. I used to be very happy. Nothing could make me feel down. Lately it seems like my life is the opposite. Even little things make me depressed. I know it is hard to not let it affect how I treat other people. I just hope i can work through them and try not to think about why I'm depressed. It works some of the time. Only cause I get distracted easily.

reply to post by secret titan


how would you lose your job?
as to your questions, yes i do know what sets me off. however, sometimes none of these things happen(like today) and i still get that depression wash.

it is pretty cold out but i still took my dog out for a walk.

screw it. i'm going to take some more vicodin....i am not happy right now AT ALL

reply to post by Boondock78


I have one of those dang "National Security" jobs. I can't even take most over-the-counter medications.


I have found that meditation helps me a little.

Whatup Boondock. have you ever tried playing video games? Not that that is a viable solution to your pain and depression, but it might help take your mind off of things. I have heard about games being used to treat ptsd but I dont know how pain relief fits into the equation.

I remember when I got my wisdom teeth yoinked and I just sat and vegged out to some games for a long time. Its just a thought. I dont like seeing a brother down like this. If you need an outlet, I'm always here.

never really tried it...i don't have a game system at my house right now.....i used to have a ps2 with a few games but they just sat there.

the problem is when i get in these moods, nothing sounds appealing you know...i don't want to do #.

as of this post, i feel pretty good now. the depression is gone...

it comes and goes on a whim.

reply to post by Boondock78


Hi,

As a person who know what it's like to be down
and I'm talking down, my advice would be to talk.
even though it may seem like the hardest thing,
you said you're married, your wife loves you, right there you have a beacon
of light, a shoulder to cry on, whether you believe she can help you or not,
she cares about you, if she didn't she wouldn't be there with you,
do not feel ashamed about your depression, but be grown up enough to try and do something about it before you let it ruin your life further.
As someone who never had that special close person to depend on, I suffered more and also went through similiar feelings of 'well I don't want to be here anymore yet I couldn't bear the pain of actually doing away with myself, I couldn't let down those who love me'. I know those feelings, there are hundreds of thousands of people out there who go through the same but you are you and I am me, we can only deal with our feelings, but I believe you are fortunate in that you have a wife and I hope some friends who care about your wellbeing, the fact that you see a doc is a positive in itself.
I have gotten over the worst of my problems which began in my youth but
I never sought professional help and I still regret it to this day, I know I might be rambling a little here but I just want to reiterate that you are not alone, you should not feel isolated or that this is anything to be ashamed of , you're human, you have been through tough times, it's affected your mind and all you want to do is move on and be happy but your goddamn brain is saying 'no, I'm not gonna let you', the thing is you and I and everyone else has the power to reprogram those thoughts, turn them into positives, one by one, it takes time, sometimes it even takes medication but most of all it takes your will, you have to set to it, and have the courage to believe that things can get better, your wife can help you, your doc is already helping you, now just take the next step and help yourself, next time you start getting these feelings, so something different, do NOT let a routine occur whee you know that once you start feeling depressed you do the same thing be it stay in bed or just sit on the couch or whatever, go outside, call a friend, meet your wife, take the dog out, change the experience, make it different, start telling yourself you're not gonna let it beat you this time, one step at a time, you will get there, my thoughts are with you and anyone
else who has ever or will ever suffer from depression or any kind
of mental pressure /pain / disease.
Good luck man!

Hi Boondock,
I am so saddened to hear how miserable you are. I too have suffered from some transiatory depression from health/ circumstantial related issues. Just a few thoughts that I hope may help. Address the back issue head on. Pain management therapy, physical therapy under supervision. I think I remember your wife is a PT. I know extended use of pain suppresants vicodin etc. has made me loopy.
Keeping busy and occupied. A daily schedule of doing stuff. A routine. Even if it's the last dang thing you want to do.
I remember hearing on WCPN (local npr) a guy who tried everything with his DR and couldn't break out of his depression. When his doc said tan 3x's a week, we've tried everything else. For this guy it worked. Might help to loosen up the back too.
And no matter what, know there are a lot of people who care about you and want to see you well. Even people on a cyberblogger. Best of luck my friend. I will say a prayer for you.
John

Boondock78,

I know what you're feelin man. My hubby is bipolar and I've been in deep depression for 10 years. You just can't find anything to keep ya in an upbeat mood.

I've tried the Dr. thing, and they won't help me. Tell me life is rough, gotta deal with it!! Go figure. But that "b@$3984" took my money no problem.

Like I said, my hubby has been diagnosed bipolar, it's not an easy thing to live through on his end or mine, but we do it, TOGETHER!.... I know when it's comin on, and, after 15 years know how to help him through, unmedicated. He was medicated for about 1 year, and it was bliss, after they found the right meds, but after a while, they become quite costly....month after month.

Hang in there man. You've got support here if you need some. Just U2U me.

A_L

thanks all for taking the time to reply.
tomorrow i go see my pain doc. it is going to be more of the same ole same ole.

90 vicodin and 90 valium. 5 minutes in front of the doc and then i am out the door.

on the 23rd i go to my first talk session with a psychologist. i am looking forward to it and i am dreading it at the same time. i don't really trust people and i am supposed to open up to this dude.
i am going ot go there though and give it my all.

then on feb 3rd i go see the psych again. i am hoping with the right meds that i think i am on now and the talk sessions things could get better for me....maybe i should say things should get better for me.

when the doom and gloom cloud comes man, it comes heavy.
all of a sudden like a ton of bricks it hits me in the face..
depression. thoughts of hurting people. thoughts of hurting myself so that i can get into see a doc of some kind so that i don't have to hurt someone else...

feeling like it is never going to stop.

also, the meds make me feel tired. some days it's fine and then other days, like today i feel so tired. my eyes are heavy and i just have to lay down.

my psych told me to try and get out of the house at least once every day. i was not able to do that today.....
i have been feeling pretty good so far today though.

it helps when i am on here if the boards are busy cause it keeps my mind off other doom and gloom things

Well homes. Sounds like a good start. I remember a movie with a navyman from the Cleveland area. He was homeless at 16 and developed into million dollar script writer after being discovered while working the entrance gate security in Hollywood. True story. He had been abused alot growing up, mentally/phsycally. His first 4 sessions with navy psychologist he laid 'behind' the couch before getting on the couch, then graduated to chair. I really don't feel a hostile vibe from you, never have. Just be yourself with analysis/therapy, allow him to guide it. Be honest. If there is anything you have discomfort talking about, tell them. Can always be picked up at later date. I was on my way to a job interview this afternoon for new car sales at Spitzer. My L ankle has been hurt and so swollen for last four days after having rolled it on my dogs rawhide while getting up for a piss in the middle of the night. Been icing it everyday. Didn't like the warm epson salts thing at all. So I get dolled up, best suit, hit the road, with my crutches and briefcase (don't even want to tell you the fun I had getting that swollen pup in my dress shoe) get a half mile away and my check engine light comes on. Wasn't missfiring or anything, but couldn't deal with a tow AND hardly being able to walk. So I just went home and poured a stiffy after getting into my warmups and slippers. Stupid monkey suit. No thoughts of hurting myself or others, but thinking about putting a number of oily rags in the corner of garage tonite. Just kidding.....I think. Just one big thought to leave you with if you'll humbly allow me. Violence against yourself or others is so unproductive and often has consequence. Channel that energy into doing some really cool things for your wife and family. Trying to break out of the me, I thing, and thing about how your focus can be tuned outward. U2U me anytime if you just want to hang out. We can do the IM yahoo thing if you'd like. I listen good, when I can keep my mouth shut.

Hey Boon, sorry you are going through rough times. When I read your first post to this thread I had to double check the date as it was very similar to one you had started a few months ago. Is this the first time you have been depressed since then? If it is then that's not too bad.

I've had my times with psychiatrist. They don't talk much. They want you to talk. I believe I am still benefiting from my sessions. Of course, there were some things I will never tell anyone but you can feel relatively safe talking as it is absolutely unethical for them to tell anyone your problems.

I believe you would not need to cause injury to yourself to get into the hospital and be seen by a doctor. Go to the ER, fall to the floor and shake violently. Groaning and screaming would help. Drooling adds a special touch.

Seriously Boon, do not hurt yourself. Your ATS/BTS family care about you.

Dizzie

What she said. Dizzie once again puts rambling into a crystallized thought.
We do care goshdarndaggit. Dizzie, you aint dizzie by any sense of olfactory balance.

[edit on 15-1-2008 by jpm1602]

Boom,

I just wanted to add a little advise since i also suffer from depression at times. Make sure that you do not take more valium than is prescribed because the way it works is, it actually can make you more depressed when you take an extra pill thinking two should be better than one.
I'm not saying this is what you do, i just wanted to warn you because it happened to me once.
I'd be happier if you were taking Klonopin instead of Valium, sure its addictive, but not to the point that Valium is. I can go for two weeks if i run out of Klonopin without wanting to jump from a balcony, whereas with Valium the walls can close in on you if you're not careful.
I'm the original mother Theresa, i suffer over everything and everyone plus i had an eating disorderer for 10 years which almost killed me- if that isnt enough, i dont have a good homelife (long story) so i have had plenty to be depressed about. Sorry, i got sidetracked, but anyway try not to stay on valium too long, just an advise to a friend.