LIZARD BIRTHING ?????, page 1

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
> > syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story
> > below will have you laughing out LOUD!
> >
> > Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
> >
> > Here's what happened:
> >
> > Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
> > "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his
>
> > room.
> >
> > "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, dad,
> > can you help?"
> >
> > I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into
>
> > his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
> > looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
> >
> > "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
> >
> > "Oh my! gosh," my wife
> > diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
> >
> > "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
> >
> > I was equally outraged.
> >
> > "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
> > reproduce,"
> > I accused my wife.
> >
> > "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
> > inquired.
> > (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
> >
> > "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my
> > most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
> >
> > "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
> >
> > "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
> > informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)
> >
> > By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
>
> > shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
> >
> > "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're
> > about to witness the miracle of birth."
> >
> > "Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
> >
> > "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of
>
> > tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do
> > think! she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
> >
> > We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
> > tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
> >
> > "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech,"
> > my
> > wife whispered, horrified.
> >
> > "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
> >
> > "Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
> > next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several
>
> > more times with the same results.
> >
> > "Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
> > could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the
> > females in my
> > house?)
> >
> > "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
> >
> > We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe,
>
> > Ernie, breathe," he urged.
> >
> > "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can
>
> > be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she d! oes to me is one
> > thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
> >
> > The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
>
> > animal through a magnifying glass.
> >
> > "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
> >
> > "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I
> > speak to you privately for a moment?"
> >
> > I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
> >
> > "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
> >
> > "Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
> > fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see,
> > Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity,
> > like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he
> > did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you
> > know what I'm saying, Mr.
> > Cameron."
> >
> > We were silent, absorbing this.
> >
> > "So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.
> >
> > "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
> >
> > More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And
> > giggle.
> > And then even laugh loudly.
> >
> > "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
> > woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless
> > manliness.
> >
> > Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...
> > I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped
> > for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
> >
> > "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled
> > the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was
> > going to be okay.
> >
> > "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told
> > me.
> >
> > "Oh, you have NO idea,"
> >
> > Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
> >
> > 2 - Lizards - $140...
> >
> > 1 - Cage - $50...
> >
> > Trip to the Vet - $30...
> >
> > Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie... Priceless!
> >
> > Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs