Readers' Top Tips (funny)

Part One:

Here are some of my favourite top tips, gleaned from around the net:

OLD PEOPLE. Save having to get a flu jab each year by not queuing outside the Post Office every Tuesday morning in the pouring rain an hour before it opens. They won't run out of money. It's not like the queue outside the butcher's during the war.

QUEENS. Don't throw away old crowns. They make excellent cosies for Ming Dynasty teapots

ELDERLY drivers. Pressing the pedal on your right will make your car go a little faster. Forget all that rubbish about suffocating at speeds above 15mph, it was all a myth.

RECREATE the danger of a parachute jump in safety by visiting Google Earth and clicking the scroll bar until you reach the ground. Add realism to the exercise by putting a fan on blowing full in your face.

MONKS. Conduct a life of celibacy and emotional solitude without joining a monastery by simply living with my wife. It's more comfortable and you'll be able to watch TV and use the internet.

STATELY home owners. Sprinkle pepper into the helmets of suits of armour so that any intruders who hide in them when being chased will give themselves away by sneezing just after you walk past.

DEFY the government at the start of British Summer Time by refusing to put your clocks forward at 2.00 in the morning. 'Save' the hour for later in the day. You still get your lie-in and you can fast forward your day when it suits you, like when there is nothing on telly.

TAME budgies and parrots easily by replacing their grit with iron filings. By holding a large magnet, they will sit happily on your hand for hours.

OLD people. If you feel cold indoors this winter, simply pop outside for ten minutes without a coat. When you go back inside you will really feel the benefit.

SMOKERS. Enjoy seemingly longer holidays by stopping smoking on your first day off, making every day thereafter appear to be 72 hours long.

DIETERS. Buy only Russian Alphabetti Spaghetti as there are only 22 letters in the Cyrillic alphabet. Just watch the pounds fall off.

OLD people. Avoid flu-jab embarassment by not pulling your trousers down whilst the nurse is away getting your jab. It is administered via the arm these days.

HOSPITAL patients. Arrive for your appointment two hours after the assigned arrival time. That way, you will only have to wait an hour for your doctor to see you

BASEBALL cap manufacturers. Save the wearer the bother of turning your caps round by putting the peak on the other side.

FOOL your friends into thinking you use expensive butter by simply using cheap margerine and ripping holes in the bread.

MOTORISTS Always have a hot pie in your hands in heavy traffic. Each time the traffic grinds to a halt, just reach for the pie. The instant you place it to your lips the traffic begins to move. This works especially well with the molten lava apple turnovers from KFC.

CELEBRATE the birthday of a friend or relative by making your own Happy Birthday banner and strapping it to a roundabout. Motorists are always grateful to be informed of the age of someone they have never met.

COMMUTERS. When you leave your house, sprint the first 200 yards and then revert back to your regular walking speed. This will save you from having to do the run of shame for the bus nearer the stop and look like a fool when you miss it.

MOBILE phone users. On trains always choose a seat in the last carriage. Then, when a train enters a tunnel, run as fast as you can towards the front of the train. This will ensure that you are in the tunnel for the shortest possible time and are less likely to miss that all-important call.

SLICING a Battenburg cake lengthways, both vertically and horizontally, makes four handy, long mini sponge cakes (one pair yellow, the other pink).

BIRD FLU could be quickly and easily eradicated by adding a few drops of Lemsip or Daynurse to birdbaths. Obviously, you would have to put Nightnurse in the birdbaths for owls.

LADY drivers. Draw a little diagram on a Post-it note showing the position of the hand brake and gearstick, and stick it to your dashboard. This will save you having to look for them when the lights go green.

DOG owners. Don't waste money on a lead. Simply walk your dog backwards holding its tail.

Part Two:

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

PHILANTHROPISTS. Be careful when giving street alcoholics money for 'a cup of tea', as some of the less scrupulous ones may be tempted to spend it on strong liquor.

OBESE PEOPLE. Take a tip from smokers and stop your cravings for chips by Sellotaping a crisp to the top of your arm each morning.

John Wayne. Never show any pain when receiving the beating of a lifetime, but wince when having your wounds tended by a woman.

Shoe bombers. Increase your payload by becoming a clown.

Would-be criminals. Before you commit a crime, get a foretaste of what the world would look like from inside a prison by holding a fork up close to your eye.

To make a pot of supermarket coleslaw go further, simply grate a carrot, some cabbage and an onion into the tub, then add some mayonnaise.

SUDOKU lovers. Solve your puzzles in seconds by logging on to sudoku.sourceforge.net, typing the clues into the grid and clicking the 'solve' button. This will save hours, leaving you plenty of time to do something worthwhile.

POLICE. Save money on expensive sirens by putting a police dog on the roof of your patrol car and shutting the door on its tail before attending a 999 call.

NISSAN MICRA drivers. The little number 5 on your gearstick refers to what is known as 'fifth gear'. This will allow you to reach speeds of over 25 mph.

McDONALD'S Save money on glass by not building a 'window number 1' in your drive throughs as there is invariably never anybody there.

NEW Zealand tax inspectors. Save time by scrapping the section on the IR3 form asking people to declare 'income from illegal enterprises' as it is unlikely to elicit a great deal of response.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

GILLETTE Now that you have been out-manouvred by Wilkinson's Sword with their 4 blade razor as opposed to your pathetic 3, why not catch them off their guard and make a 5 blade model?

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

LADIES When invited to a Buckingham Palace garden party, go wearing hair rollers, so that the Queen will think you are going somewhere REALLY important afterwards.

GRATED cheddar cheese from the supermarket can be squashed tightly together with the fingers to produce a block of cheese, ready for slicing or grating.

Part Three:

BUSY executives. Don't buy a Dachshund. Their amusing sausage shape means they take 50% longer to stroke than other dogs, and time is money.

MUMS Make bath nights more fun for the kids by playing 'moth aircraft carrier'. Simply float a shoebox in the bath with a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off the bathroom lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic and dangerous landings.

VULCANOLOGISTS If you are ever caught in a volcanic eruption, remember to jump up and down so that your feet are not constantly in the molten lava flow.

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

SAVE money on expensive surround sound home cinema systems by only watching films when the appropriate noises are going on outside, eg watch horror movies when there is a storm on, or cowboy films whilst local drug gangs are fighting it out in the street.

WORM farmers Double your yield by simply cutting every worm in half. Hey presto! Each half will grow into a new worm.

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

WHEN replying to Nigerian lawyers that offer millions in return for a £50.000 finders fee, only send half the money. Keep the rest until you get the paperwork.

SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

DIABOLISTS For the full effect when photographing Satan, make sure to switch off your camera's red-eye reduction feature.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly eggtimers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

Part Four:

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast
wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove
the dirt by simply peeling it off.

If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto!
The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them.
The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet.
(Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

Part Five:

Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you can't and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they`re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc `tastes exactly like the real thing`, they won`t know any difference.

DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.

SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.

AVOID being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.

TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the heck you're going.

Part Six:

OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.

INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.

MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.

Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a cup full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.

KING-sized Snickers bars make ideal normal-sized Snickers bars, for giants. NORMAL-sized Snickers bars make ideal king-sized Snickers bars for dwarfs, as well as fun-sized ones for giants.

FUN-sized Snickers Bars make ideal normal sized Snickers Bars for midgets.

PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.

Part Seven...and remember:

And remember:


The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire

I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks.. And a ball game gets rained out... And a car rusts and.....

Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel...it's cheaper than plastic surgery.

What?..........does nobody else find these funny?




............oh, well............I tried

Thank you Old Man, those made my night a little better! Had a couple good laughs and even some deep belly ones! Again thanks for posting these mate!

Hi old man your posts where absolutely funny! And strangely wise too… you have a gift and thanks for sharing them with us!

Thank you, Peeps.


If I made at least somebody laugh............then my efforts were not totally wasted.