posted on Dec, 28 2007 @ 10:41 PM
Here are some of my favourite top tips, gleaned from around the net:
OLD PEOPLE. Save having to get a flu jab each year by not queuing outside the Post Office every Tuesday morning in the pouring rain an hour before it
opens. They won't run out of money. It's not like the queue outside the butcher's during the war.
QUEENS. Don't throw away old crowns. They make excellent cosies for Ming Dynasty teapots
ELDERLY drivers. Pressing the pedal on your right will make your car go a little faster. Forget all that rubbish about suffocating at speeds above
15mph, it was all a myth.
RECREATE the danger of a parachute jump in safety by visiting Google Earth and clicking the scroll bar until you reach the ground. Add realism to the
exercise by putting a fan on blowing full in your face.
MONKS. Conduct a life of celibacy and emotional solitude without joining a monastery by simply living with my wife. It's more comfortable and you'll
be able to watch TV and use the internet.
STATELY home owners. Sprinkle pepper into the helmets of suits of armour so that any intruders who hide in them when being chased will give themselves
away by sneezing just after you walk past.
DEFY the government at the start of British Summer Time by refusing to put your clocks forward at 2.00 in the morning. 'Save' the hour for later in
the day. You still get your lie-in and you can fast forward your day when it suits you, like when there is nothing on telly.
TAME budgies and parrots easily by replacing their grit with iron filings. By holding a large magnet, they will sit happily on your hand for hours.
OLD people. If you feel cold indoors this winter, simply pop outside for ten minutes without a coat. When you go back inside you will really feel the
SMOKERS. Enjoy seemingly longer holidays by stopping smoking on your first day off, making every day thereafter appear to be 72 hours long.
DIETERS. Buy only Russian Alphabetti Spaghetti as there are only 22 letters in the Cyrillic alphabet. Just watch the pounds fall off.
OLD people. Avoid flu-jab embarassment by not pulling your trousers down whilst the nurse is away getting your jab. It is administered via the arm
HOSPITAL patients. Arrive for your appointment two hours after the assigned arrival time. That way, you will only have to wait an hour for your doctor
to see you
BASEBALL cap manufacturers. Save the wearer the bother of turning your caps round by putting the peak on the other side.
FOOL your friends into thinking you use expensive butter by simply using cheap margerine and ripping holes in the bread.
MOTORISTS Always have a hot pie in your hands in heavy traffic. Each time the traffic grinds to a halt, just reach for the pie. The instant you place
it to your lips the traffic begins to move. This works especially well with the molten lava apple turnovers from KFC.
CELEBRATE the birthday of a friend or relative by making your own Happy Birthday banner and strapping it to a roundabout. Motorists are always
grateful to be informed of the age of someone they have never met.
COMMUTERS. When you leave your house, sprint the first 200 yards and then revert back to your regular walking speed. This will save you from having to
do the run of shame for the bus nearer the stop and look like a fool when you miss it.
MOBILE phone users. On trains always choose a seat in the last carriage. Then, when a train enters a tunnel, run as fast as you can towards the front
of the train. This will ensure that you are in the tunnel for the shortest possible time and are less likely to miss that all-important call.
SLICING a Battenburg cake lengthways, both vertically and horizontally, makes four handy, long mini sponge cakes (one pair yellow, the other pink).
BIRD FLU could be quickly and easily eradicated by adding a few drops of Lemsip or Daynurse to birdbaths. Obviously, you would have to put Nightnurse
in the birdbaths for owls.
LADY drivers. Draw a little diagram on a Post-it note showing the position of the hand brake and gearstick, and stick it to your dashboard. This will
save you having to look for them when the lights go green.
DOG owners. Don't waste money on a lead. Simply walk your dog backwards holding its tail.