It looks like you're using an Ad Blocker.

Please white-list or disable in your ad-blocking tool.

Thank you.


Some features of ATS will be disabled while you continue to use an ad-blocker.


So this guy walks into a bar...

page: 1
<<   2 >>

log in


posted on Dec, 27 2007 @ 07:00 PM
So a guy walks into a And he's got a
with him....

The bartender says
"you can't have that monkey in here"

The guy says
"look, I know its a violation, and I admit my friend here gets a little rowdy when he drinks, but i've got plenty of money and I like having him with me, so i'll pay you 10 times the cost of any damage he does."

So the bartender pours two beers for them and tells them to just hurry before any other customers show up.

Well the monkey takes one drink and just goes completely nuts. He knocks over his glass, he runs from table to table pushing over chairs and throwing pictures off the wall, then he jumps up on the pool table and he swallows the 8 ball.

About that same time the guy finishes his beer so he hands the bartender a couple hundred bucks and leaves with his monkey.

Well the next day, the bartender is sittin there, having a cigarette, and in comes the guy and his monkey.
Bartender says, "alright, this time I want a thousand bucks, but I'll put up with it."

So he gives them there drinks and the monkey takes one drink and he knocks over his beer and he throws the bottle across the room and then he grabs the bartenders cigarette and jumps over to the pool table, and the monkey puts this lit cigarette up in his butt, then he takes it back out and eats it.

"That's it!" yells the bartender, "i'm calling the humane society. You can't just let a monkey shove my cigarette up his butt and then eat it."

And the guy says to the bartender, "hey, after that 8-ball incident he learned to make sure it will fit first."

posted on Dec, 27 2007 @ 08:08 PM
That joke always makes me laugh.


posted on Dec, 27 2007 @ 08:17 PM
It leaves something to be desired in text format though.

Let's hear some more bar jokes everybody

posted on Jan, 26 2008 @ 06:28 AM
A guy named Benny is sitting in a bar mouthing off that he knows everybody. So his buddy bets $10 the next person to walk in the bar didn't know him.
Somebody walks in the bar and says "Hey Benny what's up?"

So the guy then bets him $100 he doesn't know the first person they see outside walking down the street. So they go outside and see some coming up to the bar and says "Hey Benny how are things going?".

Flustered the guy bets him $500 he doesn't know the President.
So they drive up to the white house and the security guard says "Benny you know you can't just show up here like this." Then a limo pulls up with the president in it and he rolls down the window and says "Hey Benny how have you been?"

So then he bets him $1000 he doesn't know the Pope. So they take a plane down to Rome and he says" Ok now watch up there on that balcony I'm gonna come out there with the Pope." So he goes up there and looks down to see his friend pass out. He goes down there and says "Are you that surprised that I know the Pope?" he goes "No somebody walked behind me and said who's that guy up there with Benny!"


PS: expect more to come really soon...


posted on Jan, 26 2008 @ 06:39 AM
A guy is sitting all alone at a bar, the bartender looks at him and laughs. The man shrugs it off... The bartender looks at him and laughs again, the barteneder finnaly went over to the man and said "I'm sorry but you have to be the ugliest man that I have ever seen." The man replied by saying I dont think so. I can get any lady that I want.

The bartender looks around and sees a hot big titted blond sitting at the table with her huge boyfriend, and tells the ugly man that he bet $50 that he couldnt get the woman to even talk to him. The ugly man agrees and says "I'll bet another $50 that I can walk straight out the door with her. The bartender accepted.

The ugly man walked over the girl jumped into his arms and they walked out the door. The bartender went over to the boyfriend and said, "damn that sucks but what happened?" The man replied with "I don't know. He just stood there lickin' his eyebrows."

kinkey...really kinkey...


posted on Jan, 27 2008 @ 03:56 AM
reply to post by roswell1

I literally haven’t got a single one of your jokes…..

posted on Jan, 27 2008 @ 04:33 AM
hahaha! lmao!

maby you'll get this one...

Last New Year's Eve, one woman stood up at the local tavern and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

It was embarrassing - The bartender was almost crushed to death.


posted on Jan, 27 2008 @ 04:42 AM
I sort of get the joke…..but a little bad…..

How about this……

A man picks a woman up in a bar and takes her home.
When he takes off his shoes and socks, it is apparent that his toes have had something dreadful happen to them.
"Eeek!" she says.
"Oh, I used to have toe-lio," he says.
"You mean polio?"
"No, toe-lio."
So they continue. When he takes off his pants, his knees look like they have been beaten with sledge hammers.
"Eeek!" she says.
"Oh, I used to have the knee-sles," he says.
"You mean measles?"
"No, knee-sles."
Still undaunted, they continue.
When he takes off his underpants, she laughs and says, "Don't tell me! (snip)

mod edit: removed inappropriate text

[edit on 28-1-2008 by chissler]

posted on Jan, 27 2008 @ 06:29 AM
So this guy runs in to a bar.



posted on Jan, 28 2008 @ 02:02 AM
lol andre good one.

chickey that is a classic...

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, and then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, which begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his free drinks, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to £500,000 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!"

"Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."


posted on Jan, 28 2008 @ 02:20 AM
A horse walks in to a bar.

Barman "Hay there sonny why the long face!"

Thank you I'm here till tuesday.


posted on Jan, 28 2008 @ 02:25 AM
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"

"I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.

The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer,"

The ostrich says "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender.

"Well, it's close to last orders, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man.

"Same for me" says the ostrich.

"That will be $7.20" says the bartender.

Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."


i've read that so many times and i still find it funny...


[edit on 28-1-2008 by roswell1]

posted on Jan, 28 2008 @ 02:32 AM
A confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asked.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."


heh heh heh...


posted on Jan, 28 2008 @ 02:35 AM
reply to post by roswell1

That's a pick up right there...

posted on Jan, 28 2008 @ 08:34 AM
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean? I'm fine."
"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," said the bartender, "what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!"
"Well, I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

posted on Jan, 28 2008 @ 08:41 AM
There is a guy and his favourite bar is called 'Sally's Legs'.
On this particular day the bar is closed when he arrives so he waits outside for it to open.
He was waiting a long time and a cop got suspicious, came over to him, and asked, "What are you doing?"
The guy innocently replies, "I'm waiting for 'Sally's Legs' to open so I can get a drink."

posted on Jan, 28 2008 @ 10:35 AM

Let's keep things at a PG rating here guys. We're all here for a good laugh, just try to keep it clean.

Thank you.

posted on Jan, 28 2008 @ 08:56 PM
sorry mister chissler sir...I'll keep it off the naughty radar...


posted on Jan, 28 2008 @ 09:20 PM
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"
The guy answers, "A scotch, please."
The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars,"
The guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, same guy walks into the bar.
Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"
The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

posted on Jan, 28 2008 @ 09:22 PM
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar waiting to catch any drunk drivers.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off.
Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyser test.
The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

top topics

<<   2 >>

log in