Always being told "You're Stupid"...doesn't sit right with me

reply to post by six


Thankyou for your kinds words...I mean it!

It's still pretty quiet on the home front so far. Can't believe it myself; very much welcomed situation.

Sometimes making a stand works. Other times, it can take a nose-dive. I don't reccommend 'ramming horns' on a continual basis.

There are some people out there, that are very 'volitile' in nature; be it physical or verbal. A confrontation with these types might in fact escalate and compound already existing problems - sometimes to the point of 'no return'. No matter what one says or does, these actions aren't received lightly at the abusers end.

I've come to learn that abusers do NOT think too much of themselves, and will insist that others join them on their lifelong myriads of misery. This enables the abuser to establish a sense of 'false happiness'. i.e. "Im not happy, therefore, YOU won't be happy either." All a part of their control mechanisms.

Husband abuse is not as prevelant as wife abuse, however, this doesn't mean to say that it is insignificant. Perish the thought. ABUSE is abuse.

I'd like to keep this thread open for discussion, not so much for myself, but for others who may be experiencing abusal situations.

1. To let things 'off our chest' so to speak.
2. Assisting others who are experiencing these issues; providing imformation/support structures, and comfort.
3. Acknowledging 'signs of abuse'. Tell-tale signs
4. *Many more things*

It is IMPORTANT that we recognise this on-going issue, and not to 'berate' but to 'relate' to those recipients who are going through a hard time...as we speak.

It's one thing to tell a person to leave, however, if there isn't a 'plan of action' in the wings....hmmm...I can imagine the reprecussions that would ensue.

~Ducky~

Hi, I'm relatively new to this forum and mostly "lurk" but I couldn't let this one go without responding...
I recently divorced a man to whom I was married for 7 years. He was extremely controlling and verbally abusive and sometimes physically abusive.
I have come to understand that my ex husband is such a self loathing creature that he cannot let the person with whom he shares his life be happy. If I were happy and well adjusted, he would feel his own failure even more deeply, therefore he had to make sure-at all costs- that I felt as bad as he did, its almost as if I were a blank slate onto which he projected every hateful thought that he ever had about himself.

The lengths that these people will go to in order to prevent taking any responisibility is amazing. No matter what they do, it's always someone else's fault. And in my husband's case at least, I think that he truly does believe it. I can't tell you how many times I have faced him down in court on a CDV charge in which he came across looking like the victim. He is so very convincing. Someone said once when referring to abusive people that you could give them lie detector tests and a large number would actually pass the test, that's how strongly they believe their own lies. I truly believe that they live in a different reality than the rest of us.

I tried changing my behavior, thinking it would change him. It never did. No matter what I did he wasn't happy. If he told me to drink from a cup and I did what he said, he would yell at me. If I did not do it, he would yell at me. If he could have snapped his fingers and magically had me replaced by another woman, he would do the exact same thing to her. Realizing that I was not to blame at all was very liberating. Of course it's also kind of frightening because we like to believe we have some sort of control over how someone treats us. That's just not the case with these people. The only way to deal with these kinds of people is to leave them.

I remember how, for so long, I kept his "secret" hidden. I tried to make excuses for him because I was ashamed. When I realized that the shame was his and his alone I started to reach out to others and was amazed by how that little movement alone empowered me.

When he saw that I was trying to become independent, he really made my life hell for a long time. We shared a car, and he would keep the keys from me so I couldn't go anywhere. He kept all the bills locked away, as well as any access to money, he listened in on my calls, when he picked me up from work he would demand my check on the days that I got paid. Because of my children I gave in to his demands as much as possible while very, very carefully cultivating, behind his back a plan to leave, which I finally did.

And let me tell you, it aint easy. I deal with him still daily because of the kids but I am getting stronger by the minute. I wouldn't trade the expericence for anything because I have learned so many lessons. One of the most important lessons that will carry me through life is that I cannot change the actions of another, I can only control how I react to them.

No one can tell either of you to leave, it's something you will do when you are ready. And if you leave before you are ready, chances are you will end up going back. And that's okay. Each time you leave you will learn more and you will become stronger.

My thoughts and prayers are with both of you. You have the strength to leave if you find that's what you want. You just have to find it. In the meantime, I for one, am happy to be an ear if you need it.






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