my daughter

hi guys
i know this is gonna be long so i apoligise in advance but if i can save one child from suffering what my daughter has had to, then it will be worth it for me and my daughter.
my daughter was born almost 18 years ago, 4 years after she was born, me and her mother split up. i felt that our daughter was not being looked after the way she should, so i talked to the social services about my fears for my daughter and they told me, with the evidence that i had, i would be as guilty as much as her mother IF I DIDNT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT. so i done exactly as the social services told me to do and they screwed me over when the case came to court, they called me a jealous husband and said it was fine for my wife to party 4/5 nights a week, they said she needed a social life but they didnt care who was looking after our child, night after night. there was even 13 year olds looking after her at nights, the list goes on and on. our daughter came home from school one day and
could not get into the house because nobody was there, she went next door and called my mother who came and lifted her, she had woken on many a sunday morning and found drunken men sleeping all through the house.
after that court case my life went to hell, my daughter was used as a weapon, i spent half of my life in the court room begging for access to my daughter.
i went through half a dozen solictors, who promised me this that and the other and done nothing but tell me lies, they just wanted my money and told every lie they could, the word scum springs to mind. anyway, this went on for about 4/5 years, in and out of court with the judge saying i was allowed to see my daughter 2/3 days a week and my ex-wife breaking the court order when she felt like it and the courts didnt give a flying hoot, i was there most months so the courts were getting paid which is the main thing ^^................ right..
then, about 8 years ago i am told my ex-wife has left the country and took our daughter without giving me an address. my life collapsed around me, a big part of me was missing, my baby was gone. i remember waking up in the morning after a very bad nights sleep and my life collapsing around my ankles. that is how it felt, i fell into a black hole and i could not see a way out of it, my life was nothing without my daughter, she gave me a reason for living.
when she was born, i was afraid to lift her incase i broke her FFS, i loved her VERY MUCH, she was eveyrthing to me and as she grew so did my feelings for her
she was and still is a daddies girl. i loved to see her laughing and i spent a lot of time with her, which was a lot of my marriage problems and then BOOM my daughter is GONE, my life STOPPED the day i was told, i honestly do not have a lot of memories from the day i was told, my life is a blur.
after about a year of suffering hell, i started to clear my head a little to the point where i could think and act in a humane way to find my baby
through private dectives, i followed my daughter around england, sending her cards and presents knowing she would never ever see them them but i had to do something.
the worst part of this was knowing our daughter was hurting as bad as i was and i was hurting, i remember dreaming our daughter was standing at a wooden fence demanding to know why i was leaving her, jeez did i suffer them days.. and i had that dream a lot of nights.
when our daughter was old enough she rebelled against her mother and came and found me, she spent a week with me in secret and realised that all the lies that she had been told about me were just lies. within six months our daughter ended up living with me and we are both happier than we have ever been.
our daughter had learned different tricks on how to get to see her father and she used them tricks at the right time.. and she got her way in the end, she is living with her dad and she is getting on with her mother for the first time in 4 years.
our daughter has been living with me for 2 years now and i could not be happier BUT her other grandparents want nothing to do with her because she is living with me and a lot happier than when she lived with her thier daughter. the grandparents took all of the older grandchildren on holiday and said nothing to our daughter, the other grandchildren get everything and they cant even talk or phone our daughter just because she is happier with me and not their daughter.
our daughter has let them down so she will have to pay............
my biggest problem here is, our daughter looked up to her grandparents because they were the only ones she was allowed to talk to and now she is ignored TOTALLY and she is very hurt about it, so am i, i have spent the last two weeks stressed and very angry but our daughter does not want to talk about it, she says she has her other grandparents now so the other ones do not matter but i know she is very, very hurt about it.
her grandfather was the male figure she looked up to and he does this on her, i am sorry angry and depressed, i honestly hope and pray they both pay for the pain they our putting their grandchild through..
i know i have a baised opion on our daughter but she is very loving, caring, funny and thruthful, she would do anybody a good turn long before she would do anybody harm, her friends mean the world too her (me too.lol) and she would do anything for them but she suffers badly when she gets let down and she will not talk about it.
now she is suffering the fact that her grandparents do not want anything to do with her, so am i, personally i hate the stuck-up gits but that is nothing to do with it or at least it shouldnt.........
my daughter and i just want to let the world know what we have both suffered, what i suffered so did she, just not on the scale that i did but she is still suffering for NO REASON, so please if you are putting your child through this nightmare DONT, you might win on that day but your child has a lot of living to do after that day and they do think about stuff. our daughter rebelled against her mother to the point of hating her even though she was lead to believe i was the biggest monster to walk the earth and her mother will have to answer for them lies someday but that will be our daughters decision and nobody elses..
if you are fighting with an ex-partner please do not lie or bring the children into YOUR fight, trust me your kids will find out the truth in the end, every time.

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her mother will have to answer for them lies someday but that will be our daughters decision and nobody elses..
if you are fighting with an ex-partner please do not lie or bring the children into YOUR fight, trust me your kids will find out the truth in the end, every time.
as for the parents who are fighting for access to your children through the courts, forget it, everything your solicitor is telling you is crap, they just want to fight for your rights because of the money, you have no rights.....
think before you tell your kids lies about their father/mother, it just haunts the child for a very long time, our daughter remembers from the age 5... and most of them memories are bad but she does remember a lot of good times as well.
leona lewis has a song called BLEEDING LOVE and that song says everthing about what i had to suffer for all of them years, even to the point of everybody looking at me (including good friends) wondering if i had ever harmed or done my daughter wrong.
i am just so depressed/angry her grandparents are making her suffer after she has started living again just because she is living with her father.
if anybody is going through this nighmare, parent/child my daughter and i would be more than willing to give advise.
like i said, if this stops just one child from suffering this pain then this is worth it....

from
chickenfeet and his beautiful daughter

Chickenfeet..if I were a MOD, I would applause this post, hands down.
More truer words have never been typed here.
I know you are an excellent father.And a great friend.Iam sorry that you both are going through this.
I have a similar situation on my plate right now too.
My thoughts are this, if the grandparents don't want to see my children for their own stupid selfish reasons, then my kids are better off.They don't need people like that in their lives.They need people who will love and nurture them and help them grow to be decent honest loving people as well.Not vindictive and withholding love based on their own ideas of a perfect family unit or whatever the reason of the day may be.
As a friend I will tell you that you both have each other and that is what matters.You have your parents and that is what matters too.Focus on the love you all share.The other grandparents do not deserve the time of day from you or your daughter if they are choosing to act this way.The loss is theirs not yours, I hope you see it that way.
As for not dissing your EX, I agree.I do not do that to my kids.My ex pretty much does that for himself.He does not diss me either.We don't agree on much else except that dissing the other is WRONG!It only screws up your kids and warps their ideas of having a relationship of their own.
You know buddy Iam always a u2u away.
Hang in there.
Much love to both of you, always.
AD

My situation is similar; my daughter's father dropped out of her life til she was 13; then he decided he wanted to be a Dad. I have hard feelings toward him over that but you know what; he's her Dad and I want her to have as good a relationship with him as possible. His family ignores her which is hurtful to her but there is nothing I can do about that. My best advice is to acknowlege the pain, accept that you're powerless to change their behavior and then forgive them. The forgiveness is hard to do but your anger only hurts you and your daughter not them. Some day they all may wake up and do the right thing in the mean time enjoy being a parent.

Congrats and I wish you and your lovely daughter all the best. It's pretty obvious that you are a good parent and a good man. You and your daughter are lucky to have each other. God Bless.

I agree you deserve applause. I can't give that to you so how about a star and a flag.

[edit on 4-12-2007 by gallopinghordes]

[edit on 4-12-2007 by gallopinghordes]

thank you AD and GH.
i have never liked the grandparents so this should be very easy for me but my daughter is hurt once again simply because i am her father.
even her mother is annoyed about it all.
our daughter has a big heart and is a very loving person but she gets hurt very easy and she is like me, she keeps things in her head and i try so hard to change that.
looking on the brighter side, we are both happier now than we have ever been. she even has a relationship now with her mother.
she loves her fun which was allways important to me and she can be very, very funny.
thank you both for your kind words and you are right, she does not need vindictive people in her life anymore.
it is nice to know there is other people who do not use their kids as a weapon..
Chickenfeet

Thank God for Dads who love their daughters!
I'm sure everything will come out fine.
You seem to have a lot of common sense.

i hear so much bad stuff about "child services" groups that i already assume that any dealing with them will automatically be bad for me as a father - even if i were the more responsible one. they seem to favor the mother invariably. i have no family problems and i pray it stays that way. if my boy were taken from me i would die.

really glad it sort of worked out for you in the end. seems like i've read that story a few times before though which is a damn shame.

reply to post by an0maly33


and i hope you and your boy never have to go through this nightmare but if you do, do not go near social services. they are the biggest joke, a total mess and to any parent going through this, do not go to court for access, it is the biggest let down you will ever encounter, TRUST ME. your solicitor/lawyer will promise this that and the other but it is all lies. my last solicitor phoned me 3 years after she had gone and told me to come in for a chat because he thought he could help me better. when i went to see him he started telling me a load of BS and i told him so, i then asked him to put his promises down in writing and he nearly fell off his chair, his work was slack and he was trying to get a little bit more money and once again i told him what i thought of him. any parent can break a court order to do with a family order but as i asked the scum bag sitting in front of me, if she walked up to his nice bentley and kicked the door in would she be held responsible for it and he said yes but when i asked him if my ex broke another court order, would she be done for breaking it and his answer was, courts do not like punishing single parents. in other words, my daughters happiness was at the bottom of the list, that totally sucks...
in the early days when i lifted my daughter from her mother house, she climbed into the car and spent the next 20mins telling me what i had done to her mother, hit her, slapped her,try to kill her and the list goes on and on and i was left with two choices, i could try and tell her the truth or let her have her say (or what she was told to say) and i choose the latter, why should i add to the torment our daughter was being fed. after she said all the hateful things she was told to say she sat back, calmed herself and gave me a big hug and told me how much she loved me. our daughter knew i was not the animal she was being told about and the truth won again. it is very hard for a parent going through this but you will have to sit and wait for your child to come and find you. keep track of your child and send cards/letters so they know you have being trying to get contact, my daughter knows she can look at all the evidence i have locked up but she does not want to see it, she knows the truth HERSELF but you might need the evidence.... and i mean any parent going through this.....
i spoke to dozens of kids who lost contact with their dads and everyone of them wanted to find him, it did not matter if he was an animal, sicko, drug addict, they just wanted to find their dads no matter what happened......

my daughter and i would just love to stop this madness, it is wrong especially for the children, every child needs their mum and dad all the way through life and i hope we have made a few people think about what they are doing..

CLEARSKIES
thank you and we will work it out, yes i do love my daughter, she is the only thing i am truley proud of and she does make me very proud.
as for the common sense, yes i do with her but everything else is a shambles.lol, i want her to be happy and i will do anything to make that happen.

AD
thank you very, very much
you are a true friend, a real lady

and a big thank you to all that applauded this thread, not for the points, just the fact i was applauded, THANK YOU

I'm so glad you have your daughter back and that she's turned out a good person despite the rough ride she's had in life. Have you suggested that she tries one more time with those silly grandparents? Perhaps pouring her heart out in a nice letter would help. She can tell them how much they're missed and how she feels about them. Once it's posted she can forget all about it, but they just might come round as a result. If nothing happens, at least she tried her best and has nothing left to feel guilty, or hurt about. She can wash her hands off them.Whatever happens, it's best if you all don't dwell on it. It only keeps the wounds open. Make up for your lost time and have some fun.

Don't worry, I'm sure her grandparents will come around sooner or later. Who knows what your ex told them about you. I'm sure her previous words to them about you have a lot to do with it.

My mom was a lot like your daughters mom (although not quite to that extreme), she partied a lot, brought different guys home wouldn't come home sometimes. I was a teenager at the time so I could take care of myself but I had a little brother and I basically had to raise him. My father was never in the picture but she kinda pulled the same stuff with my brothers father as your ex did with you to a minor degree.

Now that I look back on everything, she was suffering from some pretty severe depression and while it doesnt excuse the things she did as a parent, it can make me understand as a human being why she was the way she was, and that understanding is what gave me the strength to forgive.

Now I have kids of my own, two kids by two men I will admit, and I get on great with both my kids fathers and their wives. My sons father and I have joint custody and my daughters father sees her on a regular basis. Making sure that both parents are involved in a childs life is very important to me, whether I am with their father romantically or not. I thought you'd be happy to know that.

wigit

i never thought of asking her if she would like to write a letter, thank you for that advise.
she will not talk to me about it apart from saying she doesnt care about them anymore but i know she does think about them and she hurts very easy.

she is actually visiting her mother at the moment and when she comes home, i will suggest a letter with an xmas card.

we dont dwell on all the bad things we have had to endure, we are both very happy together and are making up for the 7 years we lost.
thank you wigit


snowflake_obsidian
i know the grandparents have been told all kinds of lies about me and i accept that, NP what so ever but their stupidity is hurting their grand daughter, i dont care what they think of me. they are angry because our daughter is NOT living with her mother.
they dont care if she is happy or not, she is letting their family down because she lives with her dad.

her aunts have accepted the fact and even say hello to me now
i guess they see me for who i am and not the animal i was made out to be

i dont even have any anger for her mother anymore, what has happened, has happened, nothing i can do to change that and i would be happier if me and her mother could talk about our daughter but then all the lies she had told about me, would once again be proven LIES.

hopefully some day it will happen.

i am sorry that you have had to suffer this stupidity but at least you have learned from the nightmare.
it does not matter your kids have different dads, what matters is the dads see their kids and have a part in their lives.
thank you snowflake_obsidian

for the first time in about 14 years, i will see my daughter on xmas morning and both of us are looking forward to it. it has been a long time since i have looked forward to xmas

ps..
she is having a great time at her mothers but she is missing me and cannot wait to get home, yeah, i feel 10 feet tall

I wish you could talk to my ex.

He's the one using my daughter as a weapon. She's five and so messed up by how he messes with her head.

My lawyer represents me because he is a great guy -- I paid him a retainer that ran out a long time ago, but he sees what my kid is going through and keeps helping me. I work for him when I can, to pay him back.

The system has totally failed my daughter. The whole structure seems to want to hold both parents guilty for one parent's actions -- I'm told that she's messed up because we are in "conflict." I stand up for myself and don't let him push me around anymore, and it's conflict. Nobody wants to hold him responsible for his own actions and so he keeps getting away with it, and my daughter suffers.

We have one more round of court on the custody thing and since my state thinks that 50/50 custody is a one size fits all solution, that's probably what's going to happen. My daughter is in kindergarten and she had FOUR detentions on one day last week for acting out in class. Five years old and already being held after school.

I hope you're right. That someday she'll understand who has been telling her the truth and who has been using her. I hope that the little time she'll be getting with me outside of school and time with her father is enough to help her keep her feet on the ground and grow up straight and untwisted.

I dread when my one year old is old enough to become a weapon too. I'd hate for him to grow up like his father, thinking women are objects and that he's entitled to whatever he wants and damn anybody else's feelings.

I'll look to your story for hope when it seems hopeless. And try to be strong for my kids and not let their dad destroy me through them. They need a rock, even if it's only part time.

Thanks for sharing your story. I sincerely wish my ex would read it and see himself and what he's doing. And stop it.

hi MM
sorry i have not replied, i have had a strange few weeks...

i promise you, your kids will know...
my daughter told me that she knew what was going on when she was 6/7 years old. we had not seen each other for about 3 months (again) and out of the blue, i got a phone call from our daughter asking if i would come and take her out for the night, i was at her door ASAP. when we got away from the house, she said " i know what is happeneing and why and i do what i can to get to see you". man, they were bad times, sad that a child has to think that way..

she told me what her mother had said, then told me, she knew it was lies.
i changed the subject and she was happy with that, we then had fun.

your social services sound like the ones in the UK, a complete joke. one of the women who was looking after my case didnt even have kids, how was she going to tell me about kids or what was best for our daughter:bnghd:

i know how you feel MM but dont fall into the trap of fighting back by using your daughter, what HE tells her, she will and does think about it, why should you add to the torment. let her have her say and then change the subject and enjoy your time with her. dont confuse your daughter more by arguing your case, she will suffer most and i will stand by that.......

as for your son, i am sure you will teach him how to behave and what is true and what isnt.

i will not say anything about your lawer at this time.lol only, watch your back, please.

our daughter has a big heart for HER important people (who she loves) and she will stick-up for them people, including me but if you cross her then goodbye, your out.....

i hope more parents will read this and think twice if they are guilty.


WIGIT
when she came home from seeing her mum, i hinted that it would be nice if she sent an xmas card to her grandparents saying how she felt and why she felt the way she does but no go. our daughter says, why should she, she has been trying since she moved in with me and she is not going to try anymore and i cannot fault her on that. i would like to see them have an active part in her life but i think they have blew it.

i do not think her wounds will ever heal and i cannot keep on at her so i will stand by her. she knows if she needs to talk, i will be there but she just says she has her other grandparents and that is all she needs... and i will always try to get her to talk to her OTHER grandparents even if they hate me:bnghd:

btw
she had a great time with her mom but she really, really missed home, our home. i am walking 10 feet tall

i would like to say to all the parents guilty of this torture, have a happy xmas

CF

Chickenfeet:

It is so glad that you care about your daughter!

I have seen this kind of situation though play out over and over again, and that makes me very angry.

To be honest, though--and don't misconstrue this to think that I am calling you a liar!--I have also known a lot of people who cry 'parental kidnapping' just to get attention or to cover up their own shortcomings.

My ex has a daughter by a previous marraige. His ex was awarded full custody at the time of their divorce, and he told me that he had been denied any contact with the daughter based on a bunch of lies that she told the judge. I knew him at the time that he was going through his divorce, though we were not romantically involved, but later their were things that I remembered which just didn't jive with the story. For instance, I remember him giving a big story about how she went out partying, she did too many drugs, she drank, cheated all the time, ect, ect, but when the time came to file for the divorce he simply handed her the money and didn't bother to check what was being filed... hardly the concern I would have expected with a child involved, and though I did not know his ex well, when I met her in passing she hardly seemed the party-hardy type. When we were married he would constantly complain, in a very melodramatic way, about how he had been screwed over by the courts and dads were so underrepresented, yadda yadda, but he never expressed concern for his daughters physical well-being; he just acted very off-kilter who had been so victimized.

After a few years later I had had twin girls with him and our relationship had deteriorated severely; he displayed the exact same behaviors that his ex had "falsely" accused him of. I left with the kids and went back home, and told him that though I didn't want to speak to him any more, he was free to talk to the kids. He never asked about them, and disappeared three or four weeks after I left... I know from my friends that he is trying to spin the "poor abused husband" thread again.

So, while I am not calling anybody here a liar, because I wasn't there and I don't know, I think that things like that are more tragic than simply a kid being used as a pawn... it's sick to do that, but sicker to pretent to care about a kid for the purpose of gaining attention.

I agree with chickenfeet, they will know. I have not told my kids anything derrogatory about their father, and I have not done anything to stop him from contacting them if he wants to, but at the same time, I'm not going to lie to them about what happened.

reply to post by asmeone




i am sorry asmeone
i have been away for awhile and have only just seen your post.

yes, i fully agree with you, men have taken advantage of this situation, i know 1 man who went through the same thing with his son, until the wife was found to be unfit and he was awarded custordy. the idiot then spent his time bad mouthing his sons mum and refused any access, even after she had given up the drink. he used to be a good friend of mine.

have i made this story up or changed it to make me look better, no...

i am an honest person, i see no point in telling a story and changing facts and i can prove everything i have said but yes, i do agree that there is men who make a lot of false claims.

my daughter knows some of the things i had done to find her, i travelled over-seas, paid private detectives but she does not want to see any of the paperwork, she says she does not need to see it.

i wasnt trying to glorify myself, i have made mistakes and there is plenty of times i would like to change but i learned from those mistakes but i never talked bad about anything to my daughter. i wanted her to grow-up happy, smiling and respectful, not filled with hate.

my proof of everything i have said, is my daughter...

i am sorry about your ex, he is a very silly man. i hope someday he understands what he is doing to his kids.
thank you for your post asmeone
CF

chickenfeet
i have just stumbled onto your posts and i know this may seem extream but have you thought about helping your daughter to not hold onto things (as you said you both do) by letting her talk to a counsellor. even if nothing changes regarding her maternal grandparents it might help her to open up in a 'safe' and containing environment.
it sounds as though she has been though alot and it may help her to deal with things now and in the future.
m x

reply to post by morganathefey


hi morganathefey
you are correct
she was seeing a doctor when she was living with her mother and she continued too see a doctor when she moved in with me but after a few months she said she didnt want to go anymore because she was happy and didnt need or want to talk about it anymore.

i did ask her if she wanted to talk to the doctor again and she said no.
the grandparents gave her an xmas card but they didnt write "love you" they just put their names on the card and that hurt her bigtime.

i had asked her if she wanted to send an xmas card to them and her answer was stuff them, she has given up on them and doesnt want anything more to do with them.

she knows, if she needs to talk, i am always here for her and so is her mother, i have to go by her wishes but she is not allowed to bad mouth the grandparents and she is learning that hate is a bad thing.

i did forget to say in my first post.......
my daughter travelled almost half of the globe to come find me, on her own and only 15 years old. all the bad things she had been told about me didnt stop her from travelling half-way around the world hoping to find ME.

the worst thing was, i was 3 days into a holiday when i got a phone call telling me she was in town. i was on the last plane going out of the airport that night. i will never forget that phone call

our daughter is greatful that she now has both parents in her life, she worked/rebelled hard to get her dream unfortunantly her grandparents want no part of that, the idiots

she loves having fun and is very funny, i can live with that.....

thank you for your post morganathefey

CF

you two take care, i hope you both can move forward.
m x

reply to post by morganathefey



thank you very much

we will and i will do my best to make sure she is as happy as can be..

she is worth it

CF