posted on Feb, 5 2004 @ 11:37 AM
THIS IS TOO FREAKIN FUNNY..........
Ashcroft Detains Janet Jackson's Right Breast
The singer's controversial body part is dispatched to Guantanamo for questioningWEB EXCLUSIVE
By Andy Borowitz
Updated: 2:48 p.m. ET Feb. 04, 2004Feb. 4 -
Just hours after singer Janet Jackson shocked the world by exposing her right breast at the conclusion of Sunday's Super Bowl halftime show, Attorney
General John Ashcroft ordered the offending breast detained "indefinitely," Ashcroft confirmed today.
"Janet Jackson's right breast has been taken into custody and sent to Guantanamo for questioning," Ashcroft told reporters at a Washington
briefing on Wednesday. "We'd very much like to know what the breast knew and when it knew it."
Jackson's right breast was detained under a little-known provision of the Patriot Act which enables the government to detain celebrity body parts
that make surprise naked appearances at nationally televised sporting events.
Under that provision, Ashcroft explained, Jackson's right breast will not have access to a lawyer but may face a military tribunal at some point in
When asked about Jackson's left breast, Mr. Ashcroft said that it is not a suspect at this time but that it remains "a breast of interest."
"We would like to know if the left breast knew what the right breast was planning to do," Ashcroft said. "It strains credulity to imagine that the
right breast acted alone."
Elsewhere, experts around the world confirmed that moments after Jackson's breast fell out of its lingerie-style housing, Western civilization fell
Dr. David Campeaux of the University of Minnesota said that experts were "surprised" Jackson caused Western civilization's long-awaited collapse.
"We all expected a Jackson to do it, but not Janet," he said.
Andy Borowitz is the author of The Borowitz Report, winner of two 2003 Dot-Comedy Awards for Best Overall Humor and Best Satirical News
© 2004 Newsweek, Inc.
[Edited on 2/5/2004 by Venus]