posted on Jan, 5 2008 @ 07:16 PM
I spent today alone.
talked to the wife and kids by phone several times. Other than that, it's been . . . . just me. No TV, no radio, no nothing. Just the silence.
It helps me clear my head to work this way. I can spread out my work all over the kitchen, and the kids don't touch stuff and re-organize it, bless
With the silence comes clarity. I'm coming closer to the goal. These little weekends, stolen away from the world that the bosses don't realize. I
was busy all weekend, but didn't take any work home. At least not their work.
After so many thousands of hours, so many years of biding my time, chiseling away at THE ANSWER until it's revealed in its stark obvioius
self-evidence . . . my hands shake a little. This quest has defined my adult life. And what shall the grail kinght do, as he slowly moves up the
crest of the knoll, and peers into the doorway from which the golden light is streaming. Now is the hardest part.
In the early days, when it was all just an idea, a "what if," I didn't have any personal emotional investment in this quest. But now,
after devoting my years of liesure to this, this magnum opus that may stand as an unheralded cenotaph of my life's work, the grail knight
shudders just a little bit. . . .
Before, when this was just one of Doc's hobbies, it was something my family and friends could shrug off as an eccentricity, and I would be
laughed at behind my back, or simply sighed over, and that was that.
But now, comes the possibility of failure. The REAL possibility. What if I've done all this labor, lost all that sleep, all that liesure and even
work time, and it , what if I fail? Then what, Diary.
Will the efforts of so many years turn out to be nothing more than a monument to human folly? A self-made Ozymandias carved from my own self
But there comes a point, diary. There comes a point, beyond the moment when you force yourself onward---there comes a point when you know that it's
too late to turn back now. When you resolve that leaving the work undone would be the worst kind of failure of all, when see yourself in a
psychological mirror, all of your flaws and shortcomings exposed in the harsh light of truth, and you see yourself, unlovely but strong, and ready.
Ready to finish the work.
The year 2008 may have begun like so many before it, with my workbench cluttered with plans and grand designs. But I swear before the year is out I
will have completed my masterwork. And even if the world will never know, I will know.
I will know.