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Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family, Choose a #ing big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers.
Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed-interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends.
Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of #ing fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing sprit-crushing game shows, stuffing #ing junk food into your mouth.
Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing you last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, #ed-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life.
I chose not to choose life: I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who need reasons when you've got heroin?
Student Dave Chapman has risen to an amazing challenge . . . after landing his dream job as a condom tester.
Lucky Dave, 22, was picked from over 10,000 hopefuls eager to land the position.
And he is the envy of all his pals because he will be paid to have nookie with his girlfriend.
Dave, a law student at Newcastle University, said: "As far as I can see, it's a perfect win-win situation!
"I didn't tell my girlfriend I was applying, but nothing I do surprises her any more.
"They send you their entire product range and you have to put them through their paces and evaluate them.