favourite redneck jokes

Where do coon asses (Louisiana Rednecks...a special breed) place the Mason Dixon line?

At Baton Rouge.

THE TOP 40 THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR A REDNECK SAY...

40: Oh I just couldn't, hell, she's only sixteen.
39: I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38: Duct tape won't fix that.
37: Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family
sedan.
36: Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35: We don't keep firearms in this house.
34: Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33: You can't feed that to the dog.
32: I thought Graceland was tacky.
31: No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30: Wrestling's fake.
29: Honey, did you mail that donation to Green peace?
28: We're Vegetarians.
27: Do you think my gut is too big?
26: I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25: Honey, we don't need another dog.
24: Who gives a crap who won the Civil War?
23: Give me the small bag of pork rinds, please.
22: Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21: Spittin' is such a nasty habit.
20: I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19: Trim the fat off the steak.
18: Cappuccino tastes better than expresso.
17: The tires on that truck are too big.
16: I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15: I've got it all on the C drive.
14: Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13: Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12: My fianc�e, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11: I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10: Little Debbie snack cakes have too many grams of fat.
09: Checkmate.
08: She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07: Does the salad bar have bean sprouts.
06: Hey, here's an episode of Hee Haw that we haven't seen.
05: I don't have a favorite college team.
04: Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03: You All.
02: Those shorts ought to be a little longer, darlin'.

AND THE #1 STATEMENT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR FROM A REDNECK:

01: Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight.�

A truck driver and his buddy were driving down the street. The drivers buddy had a severe case of the runs from having partied the night before. After 2 stops to let his friend use the toilet they were way behind schedule.

So the buddy says to the driver, "I got to go again."

The driver says, "No, just stick your a$$ out the window and let it go."

At the same moment the buddy started to go two men were walking down the street.

The first man says, "Holy Sh%$ that was the biggest, nastiest wad of chewing tobacco I have ever seen in my life!"

The second man says, "Chewing tobacco my A#$ Did you see the lips on that Mother F*&($* !"