(SSSC) The Spirit of Fear, page 1

The Spirit of Fear

"So do you wanna come up to my place or not?"

It was like standing at a crossroads of two lives. In one I was true and loyal to my darling I called "soulmate". In the second I would be following what my body, mind and soul was telling me to do right now. I could supress the confusion I felt and get into my its-all-easy-and-fun state but I didnt.

"Yeah sure" I respond.

The words triggered a rush of romantic excitement, sexual foreboding (both me and her knew what was going to happen) and a rush of guilt over the countless promises I had made towards my loved one at home. As we went up the stairs I watched my mind jump back and forth between worlds. That tasty backside walking up in front of me wasnt even the main part. Those sensual lips and big humorous eyes did me in. And the one waiting at home, sensitive, trusting, intelligent...the one I knew so well. What a mind-split.

So this happens when your in a daze. You dont even notice the kids walking by on the staircase wearing cheap plastic masks adressing you with "trick or treat". Those kids actually adressed me and I didnt even answer. That should have warned me of the semi-hypnosis I was in.

"My place looks kind of ambivalent" she said as she turned the key to her apartment door. And it did. A part of her was into psychedelic-techno-hippie-like-weirdness as displayed by the colourful cloths draping from the walls and ceiling, a myriad of third-eye shining buddhas and geometric fractals. Another side of her was into antique furniture, though I couldnt label the period or style of it. "You do show personality" I added weakly. The place had an uneasiness about it. The heart knows before the mind does. But what does my heart know? That something is wrong with this apartment, or that something is wrong with me and its darkening my perception of the apartment?

"Id offer you a drink, but if we drink I´ll get tired and we cant have the f*** of our lives" she said in a jovial tone. I was rather surprised by the statement because we hadnt talked about....ah, what the heck. We both knew. We were on top of each other as if we had been starving for touch. You know how good it tastes when youve been depraved of it for awhile. We fell asleep at 2 in the morning. Well, she did. I lay awake observing my restless mind. After the need for something new had been relieved, the guilt started returning. By no means a guilt based on morality, but one based on loyalty. Those stupid promises one keeps making backfire in the form of deep remorse located in the chest and belly. Damn, I have to get out of here. Im gonna pretend nothing ever happened.

I slipped off the bed and tiptoed to where my clothes lay. She was fast asleep and not noticing. This would be easy. Except that when I was about to touch the doorhandle on my way out, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. In the darkness of the room there was an awareness...an awake awareness. Her! I turned around and to my shock she was sitting upright in her bed staring at me without a word. I hadnt even heard her getting up. What the f***?

At first I couldnt get a tone out...frozen stress...at the spookiness of her just sitting there in the dark staring at me. In the darkness you are not quite sure of someones facial expression and mood....is she disappointed? Confused? Worried? But the room did seem to crackle of something different...it seemed to be crackling of pure, firey, hot rage. I type of rage that could murder. I type of stare I never would have expected from a woman like this.

"Hey....was just going to get some..." my voice was shaky and trailed off. She seemed unresponsive and without any reaction. I tried again: "Was just going to get some...some cigarettes." Still no response.

The spirit of fear had now engulfed my body to an extent that I didnt even dare touch the doorhandle out of an unreasonable fear that I could get killed for even thinking that I could leave the place. My arms had stiffened and my throat gone dry. There was no response from her whatsoever, only the increasing sense of evil radiating through the room. My mind went crazy with trying to figure out what was going on her. She just sat there and stared.

I deserved this because I had sought fear. Halloween doesnt excite me. Japanese horror flicks bore me. Having lost the sense of awe and mystery I had as a child, I recall uttering the words "I wish something would really scare me". Words I uttered this morning. Alright, switch focus...switch focus, I told myself. Its only some girls apartment and you had a short one night stand with her, and all is well. She is just sleep-sitting and isnt even aware of me. But no "switch-focus" or lack of evidence that there is something to be afraid of would release the sense of something haven gone terribly wrong.

And as my eyes got used to the darkness, a new awareness began creeping up in me. There is something else going on here. I could see her eyes and noticed they were not blinking. Neither were they looking straight at me. This had only been my imagination. A rush of realization: She was not the one emanating the evil vibe! My trembling hands flicked the light-switch. She sat on her bed zombified...not moving, not blinking, only sweating so thickly that the sweat had drenched her t-shirt.

I approached her slowly, still sensing some type of foul presence nearby. She stared into emptiness but, by the amount of sweat while sitting still, it was obvious that the distress she was in was beyond comprehension. My fear of cheating on my partner had given way to my fear of being attacked by her which had given away to my fear of not being able to help her or having caused this. Have I stumbled upon some kind of psych-case, here? Should I call a doctor? Should I just leave?

"Hey..." I attempted. The sound of my own voice sent chills up my spine. Something is watching us. I coldnt get rid of the sense of another presence. Did I just see someone else reflected on the brass vase? "Hey...are you ok?" What a dumb question.

Wait a minute...why is the kitchen light actually on? The whole place was dark, and now the kitchen light is on. I turned away from the girl and fearfully looked at the kitchen entrance. "Who are you!" I confronted. This is typically something I used to do when I was scared. Confront. Try to be fear-inducing myself. When facing insanity it seems your only chance is to be insane yourself. As I walked straight to the kitchen yet more rushes and trembles coursed through my body. Energy which felt like fear. But the kitchen was empty. Of course it is you wimp. Get hold of yourself. Get the girl to a doctor.

This was when I noticed a personal belonging of mine on her kitchen table. My birth-certificate. When the mind is confronted with something it cannot comprehend it goes blank. The eyes move back and forth as if searching for some meaning. After that brief pause of blankness my mind jumped from here to there, from her to home, from birth to death, from irreality to irreality, trying to explain just what my birth-certificate was doing lying on some strangers table. Is this some kind of set-up? the conspiracy-theorist within me yelled. Its amazing how many thoughts and possibilities the mind can process within seconds. Is my real girlfriend behind this? Shame, guilt and fear boiled up to a frenzied desperation to make sense of what is going on. I took the certificate, wanting to go back to the bedroom and confront my acquaintance with the "prank". But she was no longer in the bed. She was standing at the window letting her body drop out of it onto the street.

Suicide! Panic now set in as I opened the door and ran out of the house. Only a quick glance at her body splattered on the sidewalk but more I could not bear. I still couldnt believe what was happening tonight. Shouts in the distance....trick-or-treating children had discovered a trick of sorts. I walked through the streets. And walked. And walked. And walked. I forgot the certificate! The police will be after me! My woman will find out.

No. I hadnt forgotten it. I had tucked it into my jacket on-automatic. There it was. Relief. At least some kind of relief. I still didnt know what to make of the whole evening. Time to get home to my woman.

Approaching our shared home I wasnt sure if I should feel a sense of guilt over cheating on her, a sense of anger for her setting me up, a sense of disgust over the suicide or confusion over the certificate, or fear, or relief or what!

"Hi love". Amazing how poised I could act at will. "Hi hon" She greeted me as usual, apparently oblivious of anything I had witnessed.

"Did you cheat on me today?" she asked in a jovial tone. She wasnt serious, it was just a game we played. "I sure did. And the girl I cheated with commit suicide right after" I chuckled. I couldnt believe I was making jokes out of this.

"Yeah?" my girlfriend smiled as she pulled me on to the sofa for a welcome-hug. All was well afterall. I still had some stuff to figure out, but all was really well. I breathed a sigh of relief. "Been a hard day honey".
The familiarity of our home soothed me. My eyes had seen madness, my soul had been shaken to the core. The candles soothed me. Dinner lay prepared on the table. Me and my girl were still in love, after all these years. Everything was as it was supposed to be. Everything is alright I kept telling myself.

Later that night, she was already sleeping, I lay awake and couldnt get the pictures out of my mind. Tossing and turning, getting up for a glas of water, I finally decided to check if I could find my birth certificate. Little did I know that my girlfriend had only feigned being asleep and was watching my every move from behind corners with suspicious eyes.

When I found my birth-certificate at the place it was supposed to be and found another name and date of birth on it, my woman appeared from behind one of the corners, exclaiming: "You shouldnt have done that you dumb #". Next thing I knew she was wielding a sharp knife and walking straight towards me...with determination...and a type of rage I had never seen in a humans eyes...let alone my girls eyes.

A slash in the face, a yell in pain. She left me lying on the sofa, bleeding. The rest of what happened is kind of foggy. Men entered the house. Official looking men. I was apparently somehow in the process of uncovering memories that had been taken away from me. But who I really am I will not know. Because I am in that room again where they inject me with something and then implant new memories into me.

So I leave off not knowing who I am, who my girlfriend is and how the suicide woman was involved in any of it. I can only hope that the next Halloween sparks flashes of memory and association so that I can recover my full self before they get to me again.