posted on Oct, 19 2007 @ 10:07 AM
So I go downstairs to hit the bookstore (I promised my kids I'd bring home a couple of books) and as I'm walking towards the store I see a bunch of
cameras. They're filming something. They're always filming something. Sex and the city has taken over the area where I live. This is something
different. This is not a movie or a tv show. I move in for a closer look and I see Marilu Henner. she's wearing a red hat that says Marilu on it.
Then I see a woman in a hat that says Omarosa. There are7 women in total. Two hot dog stands. I walk closer. Hey, there's Carol Alt. And who's
that? Nadia Comaneci. There's a girl with a hat that says Nely. No clue who she is. Another in a hat that says Jennie. Jennie is 6 foot
something, blonde and pretty damned good looking. Suddenly I feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn around and I'm looking at a gorgeous woman in a
Tiffany hat. Tiffany Amber Thissen (sp?)? My Saved By the Bell fantasy kicks into high gear. I look around. No AC Slater. No Zack Morris and,
thank god, no Screech. Huh? Tiffany is speaking to me. I look closer and it isn't Tiffany Amber Thissen. Hot Tiffany hands me a flier and starts
telling me they're selling hot dogs for charity. I scan the flier and what do I see? Tiffany Fallon - Playmate. I'm talking to a centerfold girl.
My knees go weak. The other girls are from shows or things I've never heard of (except Omarosa, Marilu and Nadia of course).
Tiffany is asking me to buy a dog. I tell her it's too early but I'll come back when I'm in need of food. she puts her arm around me and says
it's for a good cause and she would love to take care of me when I get back. "um, I uh, I'd love to have you uh take care of me."
Tiffany turns a bit red and says "I'm supposed to flirt with you to get you to buy food for charity"
Suddenly, the Crakeur in me comes out.
You had the sale when you touched my shoulder, I tell her.
She tells me to come back. I tell her she can bank on it.
I hit the book store, buy Walter the Farting Dog and realize that this won't help me look cool at all. My chances of centerfold dreams are fading
(note- Mrs. Crakeur would look the other way in this case as centerfolds are allowed because they are "out of your reach" and therefore, not a
threat - HAH!!!).
I walk back to the crowd and so far, nobody's bought anything. The girls are pitching but nobody's ponying up for anything. Tiffany sees me. She
smiles, struts over and says "you came back! I figured you were gone."
"I always keep my promises."
"Want a hot dog?" she asks.
"whatever. No, wait, no hot dog. I want the hat."
"I can't sell the hat. " she tells me.
"Omarosa was making a deal for her tee shirt" I tell her.
"she can't sell it. we aren't allowed to sell anything other than the food and drinks."
"I'll give you a hundred for it."
no
200
no
500 bucks for the hat.
I would if I could, she says and puts her arm around me.
She leans in close, her mouth close to my ear. I'm about to pass out. she says "we need the hats so we can keep doing this" I feel her breath on
my ear and neck.
uh oh, I'm losing myself. I uh, hmm, uh, don't you get a few of them? you should. you'd make more money on the hats and shirts than on the food,
I tell her.
"I know but they want this to be about the charities and the sponser"
"ok, gimme a soda"
"It's $5"
"I'll give you $20 for the soda - diet pepsi please"
"MY FIRST SALE!!!!" she screams
"A Twenty Dollar Soda!!!!" she yells out.
all the girls cheer. I whip it out (the twenty) and get my soda. I ask for a straw. Tiffany looks confused.
"For the soda, Tiffany. I use it to drink out of the can."
she playfully slaps my arm and says she knows what they're for but they forgot to give them straws.
I tell her I'll live but, in the event I cut my lips on the can, I am going to need to know who to call.
Tiffany puts her arm around me, tells me I'm hysterical and then she pulls me in tight, throws her arms around me and (holy cow!! I'm getting a
tight hug from a playmate. hot diggity, she's pressing her whole body against me. I am not supposed to act like a 12 year old but holy cow holy
damn holy you know what)
she kisses me on the cheek and thanks me. I tell her to get a hot dog ready for lunch time, make it two and we'll have lunch together.
She says she's there until 1 but she might not be able to take the break to eat with me.
I tell her I was kidding. That I would rather sit down and have a real meal with her and as much as I know she wants to, I can't. I'm too busy. I
thank her for flattering me and she is now staring at me, mouth open a bit, eyes wide. She clearly can't believe I just said that.
I tell her to not be surprised. I can now tell people I blew off a gorgous playmate and, in my imaginary world, that makes me a stud.
She gives me another kiss and says "thanks stud" and turns away.
As I go to cross the street and head back to my office, some dude comes up to me and says he needs me to sign a release.
Huh?
for tv. we're filming this so the ladies can use the footage on tv.
ugh.
I'm going to look like an ass on tv.
I signed the release. I gave my cell phone number and wrote "don't give this to Tiffany unless she begs for it"