Originally posted by kurtcobainuk
ive been through a lot of change and other things have gone good/bad in my life. But for some reason right now im feeling different something ive
never felt before its strange....reality almost doesnt seem real. The routine is what gets to me. I used to hate exams and education. But all i do is
i go in, i dont socialise, churn out some essaya and come home again. I notice that when i walk past someone i can tell or just imagine their past and
what they are thinking. I can tell whether people are what they say they are straight away. Recently ive been wanting to own old films that i havent
seen in years. the one im looking for at the moment is the mario brothers movie with bob hoskins in. I think im slowly starting to realise what i
want. i want to get back to the way things were in the 80's and early 90's everything seemed better to me, Christmas's and Birthdays etc but not
only that but also waking up in the morning and thinking "its going to be a really good day today" and also sometimes i just feel like i need to
get away from myself. Well thats the end of my rant.
this doesnt seem like much of a rant to me. looks more like an abservation of the world, YOUR world.
its been like that for me as well. i also stopped trying to get back to a time when things seemed more fun, better, whatever made us want to go back
to a paticular time in our lives. i cant go back to where i once was and i wont be in the same position or situation i'm in now. do i miss those
times i once had? hell yes, all the time. would i want them back? no, never. if i kept experiencing those things over and over they wouldnt be as
special they wouldnt be as fun, the memory of them wouldnt be as fond so i leave the past where it belongs, in the past.
dont worry about daily routines, they'll happen and they will change but our lives are just routines that are replaced with other ones. school, then
college, then a job, then maybe another job or a career change, marriage, kids....day in and day out stuff.
pisky, there was a time a day didnt go past in my life that i didnt ask "what if?" all the time. i HATED doing it and i still find myself doing it.
so many regrets and things that we wanted to go another way. people, in retrospect, we wanted to act differently towards, etc. there are some
questions i've had to ask myself, questions maybe i shouldnt have asked but still did. questions that made me change the way i saw myself and people
i once knew. it also changed some of my memories, instead of being pleasant they were more like a living hell, a walking nightmare that plagues me.
my life could be so different if it were not not for someone else's selfishness and greed. my life is probably worse off than it could have been but
i also learned a valuable lesson, that what i do can effect others in profound ways. so much so that it can alter their lives forever in ways i can
never understand. i learned to not be so selfish or greedy. i learned not to want for myself only. i learned to think of others.
but i still feel a rage deep inside me. its a smoldering mass of embers that i dare not mess with from fear of the inferno that it might create. i
have to leave it alone and let it serve as a reminder, even those who are the closest to you can betray you.
i spend so much time in retrospect, i find it incredible i can live my present life the way i do. even more amazing is how i can see my future as
positively as i do.
i do know i need to talk to someone about all of this and more. i thought i could handle it all but i'm tired of carrying this burden. i'm tired
of what it's done to me and what it could do to me.