I was born in New England, lived on the East Coast my whole life. So I'm an American and I'm fine with that. What I'm not fine with is a lot of the
typical rants I hear about Americans. A lot of them are justified, a lot of them are true. But here are the ones that just get under my skin:
- Shut up about American food. A few weeks ago I was enjoying a few drinks at an outdoor bar right on the beach. It was a beautiful night and I was
feeling fantastic, and long story short I end up having a pleasant conversation with a few late-season tourists from a European country that I won't
name because I feel it's irrelevant. We end up ordering food, and once it arrived, our lovely conversation went downhill. A few minutes after tasting
their food, they starting sounding off about how fatty and disgusting American food is. For the next 15 minutes I had to endure a wave of unsolicited
criticism which pretty much killed my good mood and my night as a whole. All the while I'm thinking to myself, "relax guys, I'm eating a grilled
tilapia sandwich and no one told you to order fried chicken strips." Listen folks, if you don't like the food here that's fine with me. But don't
go sounding off on me like I'm the grandmaster chef who came up with everything you see on an American menu. Don't look at me like I invented the
cheeseburger or the donut and don't act like I recommended it to you.
- Yes, I realize that every country besides America calls it 'football.' We call it 'soccer.' You don't have to throw a fit anytime somebody
calls it soccer, it's not that big of a deal. Since I was old enough to know what the game is, I was told it's called SOCCER. I wasn't given an
option of what I wanted to call it. Now you're gonna get mad at me for it? Do you know how confusing it would be for us if we changed the name
'soccer' to 'football' just because you don't like it? People's heads would be exploding left and right at ESPN headquarters. Do you want that
blood on your hands?
- I know that America is one of the few countries that doesn't use the metric system. Do you really need to condescendingly remind me of that? Do I
look like I'm on the USCDHMS (United States Committee that Decides How to Measure Stuff)?
- I know that you don't like Bush. Plenty of people here agree with you. I didn't vote for him, that's the best I could do. No need to give me a
hard time about it just because I'm an American. Stop acting like I was the one who put this administration in charge. Along those same lines, don't
look at me like invading Iraq was my idea. Don't look at me like I whispered into someone's ear that war is totally cool and they took my advice. No
way I'm taking credit for that one.
- This one's not as bad, but it still bugs me when it comes up: the dropping of the atomic bomb. Look, I didn't invent it, I didn't tell people to
build it, and I'm pretty sure I didn't give the order to drop it on someone. I'm friggin 25 years old, I WASN'T THERE! I'm not downplaying it and
I'm not ignorant of history. I'm sorry it happened, but it wasn't my fault, so don't label me a barbarian. Take that argument up with someone's
grandparents and kindly leave me out of it.
- Don't call me a Yankee, Yank, or pretty much anything else with 'ank' in it. I live in Rhode Island, this is Red Sox territory. Even if your
intentions are purely innocent, calling me a Yank in any of the watering holes I frequent could be disastrous.
I could probably think of a few more, but those are the ones that have been on my mind lately. The end