reply to post by ironjello
Here's a plug nickel's worth from this PhD in clinical psych. . . . so read at your own risk and then run find your own local counselor first and
1. Congrats for being compassionate and loving toward the daughter. I don't know if a DNA test is the highest priority right now. Personally, I'd
want to know sooner or later but perhaps only to possibly be able to tell the other guy to butt out.
2. Sounds like a LOT of convoluted stuff going on. I strongly encourage you to get the book:
ATTACHMENTS: Why You Love, Feel, and Act the Way You Do
By Drs Tim Clinton and Gary Sibcy
It is the best book I've ever found on such issues in 60 years of living and watching, studying, counseling people.
It has a section in the back with 10 steps to overcoming the junk from the family of origin that has set you both up for your sick dances.
2. I'm an enormous fan of making what you have work and blooming where you are planted. Running away and flushing significant people in your life is
cowardly, imho. Besides, such fractures happen enough in life without trying to make them happen.
3. Loving folks as they are while ENCOURAGING (NOT manipulating, coercing, begging etc.) them to be the best they can be is an artful dance of
compassion . . . not a control freak game.
4. LOVING MEANS DOING WHAT'S BEST FOR THE OTHER PERSON without being a wimpy, self-destructive door-mat one's self. WE REAP WHAT WE SOW--ESPECIALLY
EVENTUALLY. Sow lots of good things and don't count the cost. Eventually they begin to come back if you have sowed out of a good heart, freely.
5. INSECURITIES . . . troublesome stuff to overcome. One needs some 2-4 good buddies WHO ENCOURAGE YOU; LIFT YOU UP; SUPPORT YOU; UNDERSTAND YOU ETC.
Preferably a father figure or two in there or a big brother. Go dig such up even if you have to go to a good church to find such though there are no
guarantees such are findable in even far too many churches. Short of such positive men in your life . . . you'll need to DO GOOD THINGS YOU CAN BE
PROUD OF and to fill your mind with edifying, constructive, positive stuff. Otherwise, the spirals down are too habitual and tempting, automatic.
6. AS A MAN THINKS IN HIS HEART--SO IS HE. That's true about insecurities, depression--tons of stuff. Watch your thought life and self-talk. CHANGE
IT FROM DESTRUCTIVE TO POSITIVE EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO SNAP A RUBBER BAND ON YOUR WRST EVERY TIME YOU RELAPSE INTO SELF-DESTRUCTIVE NEGATIVISM. Use both
wrists. Don't bloody either one.
7. Trying to build a lasting, solid relationship of mutual dependable support while keeping one foot out the door is a set-up for failure. Learn to
let your yes be yes and your no, no. More than that leads to all kinds of troubles. And if you can't be true to your own word to the people closest
to you--what kind of joke of a person do you want to continue being??? Irresponsible, whiney, wimpy jerks fill the sidewalks, centers, malls, streets
all over the world. There's no market for them. Refuse to be one. Learn to be the opposite.
8. If the only way you can learn to be the opposite is to find someone who lives the opposite and copy them with your own flavors . . . THEN DO THAT.
Do it relentlessly. Do it repeatedly. Pick yourself up and do it some more when you fail. NEVER GIVE UP. You are worth it and those you love are worth
9. Times are almost upon us when needing mutual support of loving dependable people will not be a luxury but will be survival, or not. INVEST NOW.
Trying to cash in on I OWE U'S THEN when you haven't been investing much . . . will likely not wash very well.
10. You are not going to leap tall buildings with a single bound. DECIDE WHAT THE 2-3 MOST CRUCIAL PRIORITIES ABOUT YOUR SITUATION ARE THAT YOU MOST
NEED TO CHANGE. Focus on those things tiny baby step by tiny baby step day after day.
11. HOW WOULD YOU ACT IF YOU WERE SECURE? ACT THAT WAY. Eventually, the FEELINGS come with the GOOD FAITH EARNEST ACTING OUT WHAT NEEDS DONE.
12. REFUSE TO ALLOW FEELINGS TO BE YOUR SLAVE MASTER. FEELINGS ARE ONLY INFORMATION.
1. FEELINGS ARE NOT FOOD.
2. FEELINGS ARE NOT AIR.
3. FEELINGS ARE NOT WATER.
4. FEELINGS ARE NOT SHELTER.
5. FEELINGS ARE NOT CLOTHING.
6. FEELINGS ARE NOT TRANSPORTATION.
7. FEELINGS ARE NOT A GOOD JOB.
8. FEELINGS ARE NOT EVEN SEX.
FEELINGS ARE MERELY INFORMATION. Sometimes they can be wonderful information--even important information.
But FEELINGS MAKE TERRIBLE BOSSES, TERRIBLE SLAVE MASTERS AND TOLERABLE SERVANTS.
REFUSE TO ALLOW OTHER PEOPLE TO CONTROL YOUR FEELINGS. No one can MAKE you angry or feel anything else unless YOU give them that power. If you've
found you've given someone that power, take it back and decide what you're going to feel then ACT EARNESTLY ACCORDINGLY AS YOU WOULD IF YOU
INTENSELY FELT WHATEVER FEELING YOU WANT TO FEEL. Research has shown that in due course, feelings follow good faith behaviors consistent with those
FAITHFULNESS TO YOURSELF AND TO THOSE YOU LOVE IS ONE OF THE FEW THINGS WORTH BUILDING RELATIONSHIPS OR A LIFE ON, AT ALL.
Flakey double-minded schlocky, undisciplined irresponsibility will get you only more and more AND MORE PAIN!!! Life has enough pain without sowing it,
wattering it and cultivating a bumper crop.
MAKE TIME FOR REFLECTION, SORTING OUT YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS DAILY. EVEN IF ONLY 10-20 MINUTES. AVOID ALLOWING THE WORLD OR OTHERS TO ENDLESSLY
SQUEEZE YOU INTO ONE URGENT CRISIS AFTER ANOTHER. TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR TIME AND OBLIGATIONS.
MAKE TIME for some fun and spontaneity frequently, daily where at all practicable . . . even if only for 20-30 minutes.
Watch what you feed your mind. GIGO--GARBAGE IN, GARBAGAE OUT--WITH INTEREST--INTEREST ON THE INVESTMENT LIKE PUSS, BLOOD, PAIN.
Anyway--I should go to bed. If you have some specific questions, feel free.
But you really do need a QUALITY counselor locally. You have lots to sort through. And if you don't find one that fits your goals, values and
priorities or that just doesn't sync with you--keep looking until you find such. Community Mental Health centers used to have a sliding fee scale. I
assume they still do.
Please let me know how it goes from time to time.