Abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Account: A countess' husband.
Accrue: The people who run a ship.
Acoustic: A stick used to play pool.
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Amnesia: The condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
Antique: An item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and you're buying again.
Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Asset: A little donkey.
Atheism: A non-prophet organization.
Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney: Where some skirt hemlines fall.
Barium: What we do to most people when they die.
Beauty parlor: A place where women curl up and dye.
Benign: What you be after you be eight.
Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Burglarize: What a crook sees with.
Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
Classic: A book that people praise, but do not read.
Clothes dryer: An appliance designed to eat socks.
Coffee: A person who is coughed upon.
College: The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.
Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Control: A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Courtesy: The art of yawning with your mouth closed.
Derange: Where dee buffalo roam.
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Divorce: The future tense of marriage.
Eclipse: What an Italian barber does for a living.
Egotist: Someone me-deep in conversation.
Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Experience: The name people give to their mistakes.
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
Fancy restaurant: One that serves cold soup on purpose.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Feedback: The inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
Flabbergasted: Appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Flatulence: Emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Gossip: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Grocery list: What you spend half-an-hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Handkerchief: Cold storage.
Hangnail: What you hang your coat on.
Heroes: What a guy in a boat does.
Hors d'oeuvres: A sandwich cut into 20 pieces.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be, as long as they do everything we say.
Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
Kissing: A means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other.
Left Bank: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Misty: How some golfers create divots.
Mosquito: An insect that makes you like flies more.
Myth: A female moth.
Negligent: Describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
Normalize: 20-20 vision.
Oily: The opposite of late.
Opportunist: A person who, when they fall into a river, starts taking a bath.
Paradox: Two physicians.
Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist: A helper on the farm.
Polarize: What penguins see with.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections, and your confidence after.
Polygon: A dead parrot.
Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Professor: Someone who talks in someone else's sleep.
Psychologist: A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
Recliner: Mom's nickname for Dad.
Relief: What trees do in the spring.
Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size six.
Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.
Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size six.
Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time.
Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.
Shortening: One of the important ingredients in a good sermon.
Show-off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Skeleton: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
Stock: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.
Subdued: Like, a guy, who like, works on one of those, like, submarines.
Sudafed: Bringing litigation against a government.
Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor-saving devices of today.
Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.
Vegetarian: Old Indian word for bad hunter.
Wrinkles: Something other people have. You have character lines.
Yawn: An honest opinion, openly expressed.
Now I don't have a link to the original maker of this.
I have a link for where I saw it, no link posted there.