My heart hurts......

Thanks for sharing that with me here Deson..
That was a sad tale my friend, and Ive found when it rains it pours..
One thing after another, the walls come down when the fountation is not there!
But you are umoung friends now here. and its very good to know we have a little place here to bear our hearts and minds a bit..
Its healthy thing, and you are very right, its important not to bottle up these feelings and emotions! It can be very deadly if one does that..
Not only to yourself, but those around you..

Thats what I think about today.. Those I still have left with me here..
I know I will lose them within a few years, but Im sticking it out for them!
They need me, and I need them..
I will just be a little lost when I lose them.. Prehaps I will find out what my life will be at that point..
But until then, I have a new job, new truck! Yep I was able to afford my own truck now! I have a roof over my head, plenty of food and water
I have everything a man needs now a days
I even started seeing this girl named Katy.. Shes a fun chick to just go out with.. Not someone I would want to settle down with, but oh well, atleast Im in a better mood now

ps- To note for those who where asking about me being married at such a young age.. We had to wait till Naomi turned 18..
We where 4 years apart. I was a senior in highschool, and she was but a lowly freshman We had met long ago threw family friends..
We where always a part of eachothers lives all my life, in and out..
We got serious in highschool.
4 years threw highschool, she was 13 I was 17. She was very mature for her age aswell
She made it until she was 24.. Like 3 months from her 25th birthday she was killed..

Its stuff like this that makes life so sureal.. Things can be going great and then bam!! everything changes..

My advice to those still married, or have that love in their life..
Dont fight over small things.. Those things come and go.. WE all fight!
Naomi and I fought alot.. But now that she is gone it really makes me think.. All the times we fought I could have been more understanding..
Or a little more pacient with her..
I guess the next love of my life will find Ive learned so much..
And will always cherish what I have, and what I may have soon..

And everyone please cherish those you love.. NEVER let stupid little things come between you! They are meaningless things..
SUch as money, bills, and that nonesense.. Sure it seems real, and those things make us fight alot.. But please learn from me that such things do not matter!
The only things that do matter is cherishing those you love! And spending as much time as you can together...
Life is very short.. Belive me.. People say that all the time.. But I have learned this is very true..
Short is life.. enjoy it while you have it!

i've contemplated how it would feel to lose my wife or my son. the only conclusion that i could come to is that i would die. i wouldn't kill myself. i would just die. i might be around and biologically functional, but dead. it sounds like that's exactly what happened to you. i've lost more family than i can count. some of them i wasn't very close to and others still hurt after 20 years. i lost my little brother when i was 7. i can't begin to comprehend how my parents made it through that. both of my grandfathers are gone, although my step-grandfather stepped in also when i was round 7 and he has been there whenever we needed anything. i think of him as nothing less than a genuine blood relative.

anyway, an AP was right that talking about it helps. the more you talk about it the less edge those emotions will have. they won't go away, but it will be easier. i find it always helps to just let the crying rip when no one's around. scream, throw stuff - safely and don't break anything too expensive. =) keeping it bottled up won't do you any good.

another thing you could consider is thinking of them as being "free". i tend to think that earth-life is the sucky part. we're here to learn and progress spiritually. when we pass on we're back home. i really believe that and it helps a lot when dealing with these types of things.

[edit after noticing your latest post]

i'm really glad you found someone to keep you company. more optimism really will bring more opportunity and happiness. hope things go really well for you.

[edit on 7-11-2007 by an0maly33]

Originally posted by an0maly33
another thing you could consider is thinking of them as being "free". i tend to think that earth-life is the sucky part. we're here to learn and progress spiritually. when we pass on we're back home. i really believe that and it helps a lot when dealing with these types of things. whatever you do don't end it. that won't fix anything.

Thank you for that an0maly33
I can honestly say that is how I dealt with this in a way..
I honestly did feel as if I was free'ed of some kind of burden..

For all the fighting we did, and all the money we spent.. I was free'ed from my prison called being married..
While I was with her I did not cherish that time.. I really wasted so much of that..
And now I am free!! fully free to explore my own mental limits..
This whole ordeal taught me so much about life..

In one sense I was a prisoner.. And in another sense I was let free.. To deal with life on my own.. In a way it made me happy.. Yet agin this made me very sad...
Its werid how this works.. But I honestly know what you are saying
Thanks agin for that.. You are right..
Ending this will not end it.. AS we dont know much about life and death..

All we know is what we feel.. And the emotions we go threw..
For those of us who have never been there.. Will never know what the emotion is until we get there...

This has been such a big help to me.. I cant even begin to explain it..
But it seriously works for me
And now that I feel comfortable saying I am free that works for me..

Yes honestly I felt really guilty for feeling this freedom.. I felt really crappy that I could feel something so great from something that happened so badly..

Theres much more to this story, that I just cant talk about here..
But things where far from perfect.. And I always remember the good times. But those bad times are good for learning and understand even more about life and relationships...

Zysin, I don't know what to say other than I am sorry... I've been there, man.

reply to post by SpeakerofTruth


Its all good buddy!~ Just being here is enough show for me to make me feel better!! Really this thread has been a BIG help to my soul!
Not only my soul but my mind too

Its nice to know that I can sit in my room all alone and still never have to be truely alone

Ive never been active on any boards in all my life.. Due to every board I would go on.. I would be called names..
And god forbid I ever put something like this up.. Any other board is like handing out ammo for everyone to shoot you with!

I am pleased to know I have not gotten one ill commet about my wife..
Everyone has been nothing but nice and helpful to me!!

Its truely rare.. And I do cherish what I have on here!

Zysin5, (and others)

I hope that you don't mind this, but on monday (when I have the chance to type this all up) I'll fill you in on exactly what happened in more detail with me. It'll also be theraputic as well. I'm not on my own computer at the moment so I plan on typing it up so that you'll know what went down. It'll also give you people a better chance to get to know me.

Take care.

My friend, You have just taken the first very big steps in talking about it. It was said the best by a previous post, she would not want you to be this way. Pain like this takes time, alot of time, to heal. It will be hard, but the true proof of your love for her is working through this. Dont be ashamed to cry, or to seek someone to talk to. It is not weak to do so. Take strength from your friends here and else where. Take strength from what ever positive source you can find. Stay AWAY from alcohol, makes things worse. You are strong enough to work through this. Just have faith.

My apoligies on the delay as far as what I planned on (but the veterans day weekend kinda threw my timing off). If it seems like I ramble a bit on this I'm sorry. I'm gonna be writing this as a sorta stream of consciuosness type of deally. Complete with bad grammar and spelling. It's how I think and speak. It's also hard to condense a few years down to a minimum. But enough rambling on my part. Here goes.

Roughly 5 years ago (doesn't seem that long ago) I had a small apartment, a job and a new net connection. I decided to search out a program that I loved as a kid (and still do) called "Thunderbirds" For those who don't know the program it was a SF/Marionette program that invloved a team called "International Rescue" and their adventures. Always a bit of a tech kid back then (still am but now I'm more of a insane self taught engineer) I located a Forum dealing with the Program back when Tech TV ran the program. Perusing the forum I realised one thing.... the vast majority of the people on the forum were female. You could tell such forum threads such as "Which is your favorite tracey boy?" and "How would you treat your favorite Tracey boy after he returned from a mission." So I knew I treading in dangerous water. Until I saw a thread that caught my eye it was called "For the engineers of the board" AHA!! Something I could sink my teeth into!! (chuckle) Fast forward a couple of months and I had not only been accepted into the "group" but made some good friends as well. I also found out somethng that made me rather nervous. I was the ONLY male in the forum. Yep, the only one. And I felt like I was traversing a mine field. Reason for this? I grew up with almost literally no social life other than school. I grew up in the country with a set of over protective parents and being the target of every wanna be bully. So I grew up completely clueless in the "social graces". I can handle a guy being angry at me but when a woman is angry at me .... it well sends a chill up my spine.So anyway back to the forum.

G4 bought out Tech TV and then cancelled the Thunderbirds and the forum was wiped out. So myself and a few friends decided to use instant messenger for some chats back and forth.They were myself (under the name of Bendarr) Willow, Amanda, Khris and Lynne. Our chats would last until who can tell how many hours but I always found myself (after a while) having private chats wiht a lady who always ended her posts with "yours in friendship". I eventually ended up getting a Microphone so I could simply talk with her instead of using my bad typing skills. The more I chatted wiht her the more in common we discovered that had with each other. What diffrences we had wiht each other were little and intersting to say the least. I then took a plunge and got my hands on a old webcam so that she could see me. Well she didn't go running off into the night so I figured that was a good thing. Came January of about 3 years ago and I realised that I was falling in love wiht her. This was something that i had never had happen before. One day (january 15th). I gathered up what little courage I could. I tried to speak but the words just couldn't come out. I was choked up. Most of it was due to fear of rejection. What if she didn't feel the same way about me as I felt about her? These and many other thoughts raced and proceeded to collide in my mind to a point where I literally couldn't speak! I took a deep breath and started typing. I typed "Lynne, I think I'm falling for you." I awaited the reply. After about 10 seconds I could tell she was typing back. Those were the longest 10 seconds of my life. Then the words popped back on the screen "oh wow, it's like your reading my mind. I'm falling for you!" I immediatly started crying. In fact i'm wanting to start crying now. For the first time in my life, I found someone who felt the same way about me as I felt about her!!

For the first time in my life, I found someone who felt the same way about me as I felt about her!! She could hear my sobbing. She then told me that she was doing some crying herself.

Fast forward a few months.

She got a microphone and I sent her my older webcam when I got a replacement so that we could not only hear each other but see each other. We were head over heals in love. But there was a problem. Her father. She was Japanese American. Her father however was very old school Japanese in outlook. He didn't know me. He didn't want to know me or anything about me. As far as he was concerned I wasn't worthy of his daughter. Oh by the way, she and I were both 45 years old at the time and she was staying in her parents place due to an employment problem. She was a certified Massage therapist in Califiornia but the market was saturated there. She also had some medical problems involving her blood sugar. She was hypoglycemic. And I? I was working at a store that operates similar to Goodwill. I worked in the appliance department testing donated electronics. We decided that since Lynne's father would have nothing to do wiht us we decided to Plot what me and my friends called "The great escape".

The plan was simple really, Once her parents took off on their yearly vacation, Lynne would hop a flight, goto chicago where I and my friends would pick her up and take her to madison where she and I could be together away from her parents. The escape worked..... She and I spent 2 weeks together. I was I swear the happiest man on this planet. Then her father struck ( expletive deleted)!! He sent her ane-mail threateneing me, any of my friends who helped her leave and commanded her to return to California immediatly!! Lynne was by herself at a friends place at the time when she got the e-mail. I don't blame her. My beloved had been raised since a little girl that she was to obey her father in all things and his word was law. So she left with a suitcase leaving the rest of her stuff behind. My friends and I went into a total panic when they returned and she wasn't there. After calling the Police, every hospital in the area, bus services, and anything place we could think she still wasn't found. Finally Carol (a very good friend of mine) called Lynne's Parents and spoke with Lynne's mother who said that she was on a flight back home. I was crushed.

The next day, I got a call from my Beloved. She was in tears. She realised that she made a horrible mistake in even returning and listening to her father and what he commanded. I immediatly forgave her. It wasn't really her fault, I mean she had been raised to obey her father since she was a little girl and I hadn't realised what kind of hold he had over her. Worse was yet to come. I'm sorry if it seems like I'm skipping over details but this could take a lot longer.

Fast forward a few months. Her and her family are seeing a counselor and I'm getting good news that she's in the proccess of developing a "backbone" when it comes to her father and her father is realising that he just can't order her around like that anymore. I would call her every sunday and she and I would talk for a couple of hours jsut happy to hear each others voices. Our saying goodnight to each other lasted on the average 45 minutes because neither of us wanted to say goodbye. Things were going well, both she and I were saving up money sothat she and I could get together again and this time no interuptions. One night she sounded a bit hoarse on the phone. I was concerned by the way that she sounded. So I kept the conversation short. I told her that I loved her and that her number one priority was for her to get well so that we could be together. That was the last time that I was to talk to her.

The next week I called at my typical time and I talked with Lynne's mother who told me that "Lynne was in the hospital and not even the doctors knew what was wrong with her" and that I wasn't to call back until Lynne could contact me since they were waiting on news about her. I had no problems with this and Ididn't wan tto cause any further problems for Lynne on the homefront. So I waited. I was forbidden to call but not to e-mail her. So every few days I'd send her an e-mail telling her that I loved her and wished that she would contact me. As the time went by the tone of my e-mails got more and more frantic. And so was I. I wasn't eating, sleeping or taking care of myself properly. I was literally worrying myself into the hospital. Finally Carol got so worried about watching me destroying myself that she decided to call up Lynne's parents herself.

On Nov 6th 2005 Carol came up to my apartment clutching a afghan quilt and carrying a box of tissues and a look on her face that I'll never forget. When I opened the door I first thought that she and her husband had had some sort of fight and she would be crashing over at my place. She then pointed to my recliner and said "Sit!" I was so unnerved by this I didn't even say "woof!" when I sat down. Carol then handed me the afghan and openned the box of tissues and handed several to me. I knew that something was horribly wrong. This is so hard to type even now. Carol said "I talked wiht Lynne's Mother today and she said that on Oct 15th (Carol started breaking up).... Lynne .... passed away from kidney failure .... with complications." Carol then said "That's Lynne's afghan that she left behind. I fell backwards in the recliner and I literally say in a flash in my mind the absolute and total crumbling of a future that I'd hoped for, dreamed for, and was prepared to work for crumble in front of me. I then curled up in a ball and wanted to die. I hugged that afghan like it was my own beloved that I was trying to hold on to. To never let go. My throat is right now choked up. Excuse me while I have a cigarrette and gather myself.

My friends almost "lost" me that evening and the next day. Carol slept overnight in my recliner so that she could keep an eye on me.She said something to me the next day that stopped me from "taking the easy way out". She said "Deson,(not my real name) I know that you could end your pain but remember this. You could end it now but you'll inflict years of pain upon your friends who will be constantly reminded of you.". She was smart. She didn't tell not to do it since she realised that I could have despite anyones best efforts. I could find a way. That stopped me. I made a vow years ago never to hurt my friends and I wasn't going to start.

My troubles weren't over. The next day I recieved a letter from the new mangement of my apartment building that i was going to be evicted. and I found out 3 days later that i was laid off from my job effective immediatly. So within the space of 5 days I found out about my Beloved's passing away, eviction and being laid off. I have now spent the past 2 years in a homeless veterans shelter rebuilding myself. I still get choked up at times, adn yes I've cried but I know that I'm getting better as time goes on. As my friend Carol put it "You'll never forget her. You'll be reminded of her in small ways. But time will help make it bearable."

Now you know. and you know what? I'm feeling a bit better (other than the choked up part) now. Thanks for listening.

reply to post by Deson


Dude, forgive me for asking but where were all of these friends that you seem to cherish when you needed a place to stay?

I'm glad to read that you didn't stop living by the way.

reply to post by Deson


Deson buddy! Thanks so much for sharing that with me and all us here.
I bet you feel a little better huh? NOw that you got that off your chest?

I can say reading your story there I was happy to hear you had 2 wonderful weeks with her But as I got further into the story my heart started to become light.. My head started to spin as I got to the point where they told you to sit down..
It was the same for me.. My mother and sister came over to my house and told me to sit down.. I didnt even ask why or even think what I was about to hear.. But they said.. Naomi is dead Ty.. We are sorry..
Oh my god.. I felt the same way you did.. And its horrible! I mean its something you can explain in words, but the true feeling is unknown unless you have been there..
Your story brought tears to my eyes, thank you..
I needed to cry today, I really did.. I bottle things up so badly and just cant bring myself to cry.. I dont know why.. maybe its a guy thing, but I can be so sad and just stuff it down, and keep myself going.. Until one day it just all busts out of me.. I needed this little bit to help me get some of this out.. ITs around the holidays agin and I start feeling the loss even more.. But its so important to talk about these things.. Its very dangerous if you dont.. I am starting to understand that now. As a few things in my life have been going straight down hill.. Tho I hold a job and pay my bills, but my heart is empty.. And every woman I get with now, seems to pay that price.. I can not date anyone.. I am still in love with Naomi.. And I just cant get over here, and its been years.. I would have thought by now I would be doing better.. Some days are better than others, yet some days like last night are just horrid for me.. And I do this alone.. I dont want a pity party from my friends or family.. So I dwell by myself, but when I am by myself I tend to just bottle stuff up..
Until today Ive not heard such a sad tale as what you went threw..
It honestly has helped me alot.. Tho I am wipping the tears from my eyes now.. I know what that day felt like for you Deson.. I really do..
What else can we say here, other than its going to take a long time to learn how to cope.. But we have a good start here in getting this off our chests to almost perfect strangers..
Ive made many good friends on here, and in my time here Ive been getting better all the time..
I thank you all for that.. And I thank you Deson for sharing your story with me man!! And thank you for helping me just get those tears out..
ITs been a long time comming for me.. And I get so cold sometimes it takes a real shot in the heart to move me..
And you sertinly did move me with what happened in your life brothers..

Keep on truckin and always know you have a friend to talk to anytime I am online Feel free to U2 me aswell I will give u my personal email address if you just need to vent this out more..
Its tuff, and is never something you will ever get over..
We just learn to cope, and to deal with this sad life we live..

Tho its not all sad.. but you know this.. YOu have taken a great step in your recovery.. Aswell as mine

Thanks

reply to post by jbondo


you have to understand Jbondo.. When it rains it pours!!!
I had friends watching my back.. But I was so hurt I pushed them away from me!! Telling them I dont want their pity.. Nor did I want them to try to tell me to get over it..
When you lose one thing, you end up start to lose everything.. That includes our minds..

I did lose my mind.. And Im just starting to get it back.. Half the things I did and went threw I cant even talk about on here.. Or I would be banned.
Its aginst the T&C to talk about many issues I went threw on here..

His friends where there.. Its just when people get hurt so bad, the last thing we want is people around us telling us its going to be okay..
I know it sounds like its self defeating..
But at that point we dont give a flying F! honestly at one time I just wish I would die.. Totally die! Not shoot myself in the head, or jump off a building, but just die.. I dont know how to explain it..

You just have to be there to know what depths a man can sink to when he has everything, and then in a matter of a week lose it all!! And have it totally out of our hands... Its not like we did this to ourselfs, or messed up and had made a bad choice in life..
Nope we made all the right moves, and did everything right..
its just sometimes life throws you a wicked curveball and you have to learn how to cope.. YOU never get over stuff like this..

I went threw a couple months where I still thought she was alive and just messing with my head.. I threatened her family to tell me the truth!!
I told my family it wasnt true.. she couldnt be dead.. she was to young to die! I didnt even get to go to the funneral.. I didnt see a body, no ashes, no nothing becasue of her family.. They hated me, and I hated them..
They where bad people.. but I dont want to even get into all that..
I just know she is gone now, and Ive come to realize she is gone..
But for a long time I wouldnt belive it..

I still have no closure.. its something I need to do. If I am to fully heal from this.. I just couldnt deal with it.. I didnt want to deal with it..
And I still dont.. But I am..


[edit on 14-11-2007 by zysin5]

reply to post by zysin5


I realize all that but he writes a novelette here but jumps right from getting evicted to living in a shelter 3yrs later.

Maybe he just left that part out and maybe his "friends" did offer him a place to stay and other necessities of life. Just seemed strange that he left it out of the story.

No big deal, I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding.

Well, my friends did offer a place for me to stay, but due to Landlord issues and the fact that I needed some serious help couldn't do so for longer than 3 weeks or so. I needed some serious help and while my friends were indeed availiable, there would have been little that they could have done. We found out about the homeless veterans program (a private organisation) from one of my VA case managers. I was kinda stuck between a rock and a hard place. The VA had no programs that could help me out but they had heard of a program that would allow me to get the help that I needed. I also had some physical problems as well. In my case I had a cataract in my right eye and literally wore an eyepatch to prevent massive headaches due to eyestrain. Since then I've had cataract surgury in my right eye. That's the good news. The bad is that in one out of 3 cases a secondary one develops behind the artificial lens. I was in the 33%. it's a slow one not like the last one and can be treated with a laser.

I'd like to once again apolgise for the length of that last posting of mine but It was a sorta stream of consciouness effect. I'd like to state that once again I'm almost back to my normaly abnormal self (chuckle). So all in all things have improved for me. Although I'll admit that some days are worse than others. But I get by.

Hi there zysin5,

I don't know you too well, but I do know how it feels to lose a loved one.
There's is no greater pain, but lessens with time. Your Naomi is an Angel and she's watching over you. She wants you to be happy and continue on with your life here on the Earthly plane. Time to her is a blink of an eye. As one verse say's from a card, "She's not gone, She's just Away." The Soul Mates you two were will continue in the Spiritual Realm someday, but you must continue on with life here first.

Originally posted by Deson
I'd like to once again apolgise for the length of that last posting of mine but It was a sorta stream of consciouness effect.

Hey, sometimes these long posts are needed but not this time. LOL!!! Just kidding as I thought it was worthy of a long post. It also helps to get it out as well.

Were you in Vietnam? I'll never forget what this one guy told me. He said, "in Vietnam there was no quitting time, no 5:00 whistle. It was 24/7 of pure hell"

I know what you mean about Asian's and their strict family bonds. The Elders are held in the highest regard and looked upon for wisdom. Not so in this country anymore and although her father may have seemed harsh it was a culture thing that has been going on for hundreds of years. You have to respect that and I think you did your best in that area. Too bad that we in the west have given up on virtue and morality as well as tradition and old time culture. Progress is fine but if it's at the expense of family values then I don't really see it as progress. So too with our elders, as they are not valued at all and more thrown aside than anything else. Personally I see Senior Citizens as a vast pool of knowledge and experience. They deserve so much more and at the very least respect for what they have done for us.

Sorry, I got a little off track there. You see, I go on tangents as well!

Anyway, I don't think we'll be seeing any Asian families on Jerry Springer in the near future.

Were you in Vietnam? I'll never forget what this one guy told me. He said, "in Vietnam there was no quitting time, no 5:00 whistle. It was 24/7 of pure hell"

I know what you mean about Asian's and their strict family bonds. The Elders are held in the highest regard and looked upon for wisdom. Not so in this country anymore and although her father may have seemed harsh it was a culture thing that has been going on for hundreds of years. You have to respect that and I think you did your best in that area.

Can't say as I was in Vietnam myself. I served during the "cold war". I could go on concerning the condition of the Army at that point but that would take me on way too many tangents and none too nice of them either.

I'm all for respecting the elders of the family and all but I feel that Lynne's father crossed a bit over the line from a source of wisdom to outright domination. It's a lot easier to think rationally now about that time than it was shortly afterwards. The ironic thing is that my freinds thought less of Lynne's father than I did. Something that I failed to mention was that not too long after Lynne made the mistake of leaching we got an e-mail. We were INSTRUCTED to sell off Lynne's things (including her massage table) and send him 1/2 the money. I don't dare attempt to tell you what my friends (and mine) reactions were to that. I would be instantly banned from this site. (chuckle)

Take care.

Death is nothing at all
I have only slipped away into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other
That we are still
Call me by my old familiar name
Speak to me in the easy way you always used
Put no difference into your tone
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed
At the little jokes we always enjoyed together
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was
Let it be spoken without effort
Without the ghost of a shadow in it
Life means all that it ever meant
It is the same as it ever was
There is absolute unbroken continuity
What is death but a negligible accident?
Why should I be out of mind
Because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you for an interval
Somewhere very near
Just around the corner
All is well.
Nothing is past; nothing is lost
One brief moment and all will be as it was before
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!

Canon Henry Scott-Holland, 1847-1918

I know it has been a while, but i sure hope your OK. Life can be so painful, and there are some wounds that time can not heal. one must learn to live with the loss as you would an amputated leg. Believe me..I know. I lost my parents when i was 16. Just don't fall in love with destroying yourself, like i have done, and become a permanent cripple. All of my love!