ATTENTION NEW MEXI-RICAN GOP VOTERS! PADRE BUSH ANNOUNCES NEW "SOMBRERO LOOPHOLE" IN HOMELAND SECURITY FOR MILLIONS OF LAW-BREAKING FOREIGNERS
Statement by the President
THE PRESIDENT: Thank you. Please stop pruning for a moment and be seated. I'm here today to announce a surprising new policy on immigration. As you
know, I've spent the past 28 months relentlessly beating the drums of terror, terrorists, and terrorization, insisting that our Anglo-Saxon nation
will never be safe unless we beef up border security and hunt down illegal aliens like the mangy stray terror dogs they are. Well today, I am proud to
not totally crack up when announcing that now I think we just oughta let any old foreigner who sneaks into America not only stay, but snatch up the
few jobs remaining under my Deficit Spending Miracle economy that millions of unemployed who are stupid enough to follow the rules would give their
right arm for.
Yes, I know this comes as a shock to many of my most ardent supporters, whose xenophobic love I have cultivated with more care than one of those
self-loathing Log Cabin Republicans waxes around his little speedo bulge. Well let me tell you – it came as a shock to me, too. A couple months back,
Karl Rove comes schlumping into my office, smelling as he does of the Ponderosa buffet and Aqua Velva, and drops a little info bomb on me. He says
never mind all that TV talk about people loving me, that he thinks this 2004 election is gonna be tighter than prom night pussy. Says we need every
vote we can get if we actually want to win this time, and so we'd better start doing some serious pandering – even going so far as to aggressively
court the unthinkable. So I says, "You don't mean 'n-word's, do you?" And he's all, "No, you moronic putz, spicks!"
And so there you have it, illegal aliens are free to stick around and do whatever. Now mainly that means old Poncho Villa can scrub major corporate
toilet for pennies a week. But if you're a terror-doer in a Muslamian sleeper cell, well just consider this a little late Christmas present from
Now I know that many of the low-class whitey xenophobes who make up my sheet-wearing base are gonna get miffed about this. Truth is, the mail's
already pouring in. But I'm not worried. I figure if there's anyone on whose face I can take a warm, wet, sloppy dump, it's those flag-waving,
FOX-watching crackers who've spent the last three years screeching that I'm God on Earth.
Cause it ain't like that angry crowd is gonna fire
off a few rounds in joy over the idea of voting for Howie Dean.
Now, it all makes sense!
[Edited on 8-1-2004 by Colonel]