Just Leave the Kid Alone!!!

Aha, I remembered one of the sites I was referring to:

Mothers of Lost Children

He's being investigated by Child Protective Services. I hope they uphold what I've told them, and find against him. He's so smooth and such a manipulator, if I believed in demons, I would think he was Beelzebub. I'm afraid he'll turn CPS against me too.

I can say this for the CPS services, (having a few friends who work in it), they look at the environment of the child and interview the child alone with out prompting from adults. So, I'm sure he will be found as unfit.


I'm sorry you have to go through all of this. Your right about the state being biased. They are trying to make up for the fact that for years they would give the mother custody and the father wouldn't get anything. It's over compensation and it's wrong.

It's good you don't bad mouth the father to the child, it makes you a better person and your daughter will appreciate that as a child. Remember, he will get it back 3 fold.

*note* Sorry this sounds kinda weird, on my pain killers for my headaches, and I am feeling doped. Sorry.

Hi MM, sorry to hear things are rather "duff" at the moment.

My dad was a real "cad". Very intelligent, very manipulative and a psycological bully.

I can't tell you what to do, but can only offer suggestions to give you the best possible chances of a favourable outcome......

The way I see it, this is going to come to another "showdown", a court decision and FACTS are what you may need for verbal ammo. You could perhaps keep records of everything, however small. Days, dates, things said, actions, reactions, for you, your ex and your kids. It's the details which will make solid facts. I also think writing all these things down may help you relax a little, knowing it's secure on a bit of paper. No need to keep playing it over in your mind so much.

Maybe ask your daughter if everythings OK after every visit to see her dad, this one is important to keep her talking and open about the subject and to get any relevent information that would prove useful. Ask her if he has been "behaving". I imagine she could relate to that. Kids can be suprisingly revealing when talking about others. (Like being allowed to tell a secret!).

You can only do your best, we know you will be happy in the end. Things have a way of turning out like that.

There is always negative psycology too. VERY powerful tool (I learned that from my father) but is tricky to use sometimes. Without knowing more about your ex, I won't go into it.

So take care, be strong and be patient. And remember, your daughter confided in you, that's brilliant! .............bye

P.S.

We have a lot of freezers between us, and U2U is confidential.

Feel free to give his details to me/us

Jessica, thank you. I'm trying to have faith in CPS, it's just that every time we go to court and I think I'm in a winning position, he manages to throw up some kind of smoke screen and I lose out. I did hear part of my daughter's interview because she was shouting, and the investigator was very concerned about things she was saying, so I'll just try to relax.

Nerbot, I do keep records, very detailed ones. Ever since I switched her to her new counselor in December, I give her a report every week of what has happened weird daily, and I also document it with her pediatrician. Both the counselor and the pediatrician are cooperating with CPS so that's all to the good.

One of my major frustrations in this is that I have had evidence to prove some of the other things I've said about my ex in court (such as pictures of his *ahem* medical garden) and the judges act like I contrived it somehow. It seriously feels like they've decided that I'M the problem here, when I know I'm not. It's enough to make anyone scream.

I try not to pump my daughter for information because that can be used against me. I just ask her if she had a good time at her dad's and if she and her brother ate dinner -- you'd be amazed how many times she tells me she was given chocolate ice cream with rainbow sprinkles and toast. Sigh.

Lucky for me, despite his best efforts, I think she really knows I can be trusted because she tells me stuff all the time. I have even managed to get some of it on the digital recorder I keep in the car. The last recording I got was how I got CPS involved. When the investigator heard the recording, she congratulated me on handling well what my daughter was saying.

So I guess I'll just keep my head down and try not to stress out too badly between now and the next court date.

You're certainly a smart gal, you'll be happy in the end.

Always here for ya

p.s. A woman goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse she has been living with for the last 20 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The woman says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

[edit on 28/5/2007 by nerbot]

awww man that really sucks. i am sorry but i am glad to hear you got out of the relationship before anything drastic happend to you. and im glad to hear CPS is looking into it i really hope it goes well for you and your childs sake. best of luck
love
xoch

No advice. Moral support & good vibes from me to you and your kids. And to your ex. I'm hoping he gets a Blinding Flash of the Obvious (a BFO) and recognizes his behavior for the poison that it is.

It's always the kids that suffer. And bless you for doing what you can to minimize that.

Be very watchful of her. When I was growing up, I've known many girls who's parents got divorced and they took it hard. And then they became whores and heavy drinkers. They hanged out with the wrong people who were way too old for them and they probably all had STDS.


[edit on 29-5-2007 by wildcat]

Ha! dig this! I'm being punished for calling CPS -- he decided to stop paying support altogether. That ought to look good in court next week. :shk:

Originally posted by MajorMalfunction
Ha! dig this! I'm being punished for calling CPS -- he decided to stop paying support altogether. That ought to look good in court next week. :shk:

UGHHHHH what a jerk!! for reals i am so sorry you have to deal with the B.S.
this guy..damn!!! i really hope it all goes in your favor

The courts will look unkindly on that... it's child abuse not to pay child support! If he doesn't pay it, they will cart him to jail... which won't help you with your financial worries, but will at least keep his influence away from your kids.

I hope it all goes well for you, your in my thoughts.

Thanks chiquitas.

I got served with more papers last night, talk about the eleventh hour!

I was all upset because I still have PTSD reactions when I see the lies he puts in court, the "dying in a hospice" thing came up again. :shk:

I talked to my attorney and my counselor, and they said not to worry too much about all the stuff, it's not any different than anything he's said before, and it's full of inconsistencies to boot.

My counselor told me I should think about taking half an Ativan before court, so that I'm not overly emotional, as the judges have biases against what they perceive as "hysterical women."

The facilitator from my DV support group is going with me for emotional support.

I just hope they finally see through him! My daughter said he's picked her up in the morning from school after I drop her off, and spending the day with her at his house the last few days. He returns her to school when he comes to get our son, so I won't find out. So he's interfering with her education, and the school hasn't told me because I'm suing them and even though I have legal custody to deal with them, they've cut me out of everything.

So, I have to wait until Wednesday, but one way or another, things'll be settled again for a while. Cross your fingers for me that it's good results this time, and that the judge finally sees through his facade.

Wow... that's absolutely awful. I can't even imagine how frustrated you must feel.

It's horrible how justice sometimes can be so unjust.

Just know that I am crossing my fingers for you and I'll be thinking about you and your daughter and hoping for the best all day during summer school.

Good luck!!!!

Well, I've got a bunch of U2Us about this, so I figure it'll be easier for everyone interested to see it here (and save me typing LOL).

Yesterday in court, I pretty much got what I'd asked for and he didn't. I actually walked out of the building smiling from ear to ear.

We got ordered to a custody evaluation, which is what I wanted -- an evaluator is going to see through him in theory. A six month investigation ought to turn up the real truth. I didn't have to remove my daughter from her therapist's care, like he wanted. He didn't get his passport back. I can take the kids to see my family this summer because the flight risk thing on us both has been removed only insofar as travel within the US.

The money part of the proceedings got put off for a long hearing in August. Since he's stopped paying support completely, he won't come off very well in that hearing. And that judge made it clear he WOULD be using the evidence code (unlike most family court judges) and I have the better hand there.

So for now, it's all good. Except he's messing with my daughter's head again (still). Told her she doesn't have to do as I say.

just leave the kid alone, already. Grow up and pay your support and be a man. :shk:

MajorMalfunction -- here's a story that hopefully will make you smile. It might even cause you to become thoughtful for a second or two :-)

Very handsome man cheated on the wife he called his 'plain jane'. Her waist-length hair fell out; she got hives, then pneumonia, then shingles. Lost weight she couldn't afford -- ended up a spotty, coughing, bald skeleton wracked with physical and emotional pain ---then terror that her ex-husband and his legal-secretary lover would succeed, as they threatened, to take her children.

Broke, the bald plain-jane worked at three menial jobs to feed her young children and pay the mortgage. Her ex-husband began enjoying all the 'grass is greener' benefits of a besotted girl-friend: frequent overseas and other luxury trips, a Mercedes, expensive clothes, etc. etc.

He refused to support his children, although he lied like a devil to his and his ex-wife's lawyers.

After property settlement (after he'd forced the sale of the ex family home, thus taking the roof from over his children's heads) during which he lied and cheated, using false documents, etc., he actually had the gall and insensitivity to phone his impoverished ex-wife, with his gurgling lump of a girlfriend by his side --- to say that he was considering sending a magnum of champagne to his *ex-wife's* lawyer, for taking care of *his* interests so generously !

As you can imagine, the ex-wife was put through hell for years by her ex-husband and his legal-savvy lover. He refused to pay a cent towards support of his children. Never paid. He and his girlfriend manipulated and provoked, twisted and jabbed -- dragged Plain Jane in and out of courts, all the while claiming they 'wanted custody' of the children.

They sent his Plain Jane photos of themselves naked and lolling in and out of spas and saunas around the world. They hurt the children's feelings whenever they saw them and disparaged Plain Jane to the children.

Plain Jane toiled at a dead-end job, unable to accept career opportunities because they would necessitate travel and she wasn't prepared to leave the children. So she patched and mended and perfected the art of playing two parents at once. Tough. It's tough. There's not much 'me' time left and it gets less and less as the children grow older and need more attention, more supervision, more support and assistance, more money, more, more, more. And only one ageing parent to provide it.

Seventeen years later, that plain-jane remarried her ex-husband.

Remember that saying about revenge being best when served cold ?

Imagine the friends and family's faces when he walked proudly through their doors with his ex-wife on his arm? They didn't know where to look. All the viciousness they'd enjoyed inflicting over the years. All the smug, mocking discussions they'd held at her expense. All so they could hang onto the edges of Mr. Glamour Puss and his moneyed girl-friend (who'd shot through years before and had been replaced with another, virtually identical version).

That man begged his ex-wife and children to have him back. He'd flown a thousand miles twice before, apparently, but had lost his nerve before reaching their door. Third time, he made it.

We have to give him credit for guts --- or something.

He'd left the woman he'd been living in luxury with for ten years to sneak up to beg Plain Jane to take him back.

He'd taken the risk.

He risked having the door slammed in his face by his ex-wife and children.

By now, he was no longer handsome. He'd aged baby -- and badly.

But the plain-jane had loved him once. And say what you will about things, your children's father is different to any other man you'll ever know. Even if he's been a rotten father. Because as your children grow, you begin to see bits of him in them. You may not like it of course. But he's there, years after he's gone. He's there forever, in fact. You and he made those children. Those children are the product of the love you and he once felt for each other. And even though you may not believe this, MajorMalfunction, there's no-one can totally remove that man from you -- not even the best second-husband and stepfather in the world. For years, of course, you may find yourself denying all of the above.

Plain Jane believed, truly believed, that if she ever saw her ex-husband again, she'd first break his knees with a lump of 4" x 4" to bring him down to her size, after which she'd take him apart piece by piece, with relish, for all the pain and rejection he'd heaped on those beautiful children.

She'd married again by this stage, to a dynamic, breathtaking, exciting (also drunk and neurotic and ruthless) man who was reasonably wealthy. She never believed she'd see her first husband again. She referred to him privately as her biggest mistake and as accidental sperm donor re: her children. She was over him. She even moved past despising him and was now indifferent to him and his memory.

But when he came back, hat in hand, it felt 'right'. She didn't hit him with a lump of wood. She was a bit thoughtful. The kids looked apprehensive. Then she kissed him on the cheek.

His children accepted and forgave him. They couldn't 'forget', but they're generous hearted kids.

Family back together again. There are ups and downs of course. But through it all, it feels 'right' even when it's bad. Man, woman and the children they bore, together -- getting through together, late in the day. She believes this has been a very healing thing for her children and their father -- maybe even for her, too.

By the time he returned to his family, he owed Plain Jane several hundred thousand dollars, including the business he'd sold by forging her signature and pocketing the lot, way back at the divorce and bitterness stage.

But now, the new house -- worth more than twice as much as that debt -- is in her name. Now she has something to leave to her children (something that had always haunted her).

He loves her to bits. And adores the kids. Confessed to her and the kids that he'd ripped them off, been a bastard. Vindicated the claims she'd made and which had fallen on official deaf-ears when she was going through what you're going through now.

It's just a thought, MM. It probably makes you ill to consider reuniting.

But don't discard the suggestion altogether.

It's hard being a single mum and gets harder as you and the children age.

For practical, if no other reasons, it's worth considering.

Pride & hurt pride don't pay the bills.

Lawyers fan the flames.

Bureaucrats get paid, no matter what happens to you. They go home and watch tv. You're just another case.

Friends and family soon have problems of their own and grow sick of yours.

The sadness and regret never leave. Anger's just a shield. It leaves. Self-recrimination sneaks in, and guilt: ' Could I, should I, have tried harder, tried longer, overlooked more, forgiven more, understood more, tolerated more -- for the sake of holding it together for the kids ?

Two heads are better than one. Two lungs, two eyes, two feet & hands, two kidneys. Often, two parents are better than one, in case one falls over. Even a bad marriage is sometimes worth reconstituting?

There are 'magic' ways to mend. I'm sure someone can tell you how -- using freezer or other :-)

All the best, whatever you decide

That was a great story, Dock6, thanks for sharing it.

But ...

My ex is a batterer. I have finally learned my lesson that you do NOT get involved with people who hit, mentally or physically.

What he did to me hurts, yes. But he is deliberately hurting the children to get at me and that is something I will NEVER forgive.

I'm a Scorpio. We hold grudges a loooooooooooong time.

I'm glad Plain Jane worked it out. For me, I'm finally free of a man who controlled my life, took my self-esteem, and tried to destroy me mentally. For ten long years.

I wouldn't take him back if he was the last man on earth.

I'll go one further: I'm done with relationships. My kids deserve a better father than I'm capable of attracting or choosing.

From now on, I'm a single mother. And I'm going to stay that way.

But I don't get how PJ could take back a man who'd done her that badly. I never in a million years would. Maybe it's pride, but I deserve better than that.

I know my ex won't ever change -- he has an 11 year old in Australia, and he still makes the mother of that child miserable. If he was still in AUS she'd have it as bad as me. Eleven years gone, and he can't let go of trying to ruin her life, and control her through her kid.

He's not the usual example of stupid male -- he's a villain. And I have learned my lesson.

I deserve better than him. And I'm not holding my breath that such a guy exists for me.

So I'm done. I have kids to raise who deserve my full attention.

My marriage was hell. It was like being a prisoner of war. I left with PTSD that still affects me, though it's getting better.

Never. Again. With him or anyone else.

MM, I feel the venom, and passion when I read your posts. Trust me I understand your dedication to your children. I tip my hat in admiration to you. The only thing I can disagree with you on is shutting down completely your desire for companionship. While I understand your not "looking" for someone, sometimes things can come along purely by chance. Not everybody is like your ex. There are men out there who really do give a damn. You're strong, smart, compassionate, and have a great sense of humor. That, in my opinion makes you quite the catch. If anyone deserves to have someone who will give you a hug and say "It's OK hon, everything will be allright.", it's you. I would hate to see you pass up an opportunity that comes along due to your bitterness of the scoundrel you've left behind.
I understand. He hurt you and YOUR CHILDREN. In my opinion he deserves a good beating. Your heart is with your children. Exactly where it should be. You have every right to be wary, even cynical, but if you come along and find that someone who is out there, and run away because of fear, you are doing yourself an injustice.
Stay cool my friend.

Lombozo, in one thread you make me laugh like a loon, and in others you bring a tear to my eye.

If you weren't married I'd say I think I love you -- but I don't want to hurt your wife's feelings. She's one of the lucky ones that got a good man.

Somehow in my life, I learned that love = pain. And that to love someone you have to be hurt by them. I've gone to therapy on and off for over 16 years (about 7 years total psychological work) and I have yet to be able to break this cycle for myself.

That's why I say I'm done. I don't trust other people (read: men) no. But I don't trust myself more.

I can't trust myself to pick a decent guy. Something in myself is attracted to pain. Something in me so hungers for attention that I accept the first person willing to give me some. And every guy I've ever chosen to be with has been an abuser in one way or another.

My kids need me, all of me. Not me when I'm not being distracted by trying to build a relationship with another person. If a man can hurt his own kids the way my ex is hurting my daughter, how on earth can I trust someone not related by blood to treat them well?

Anyway, I'm getting older and older, have a once-terminal communicable disease and two small kids. I don't exactly have a lot to offer as a life-partner -- other than a sense of humor and wounded pride.

Maybe you guys are right, maybe someday some guy that is decent and will treat me and my kids well will come along. But I don't trust myself so I don't see how I'll ever be able to trust anyone else.

Anyway, who needs a man? I have ATS.

Originally posted by MajorMalfunction
Lombozo, in one thread you make me laugh like a loon, and in others you bring a tear to my eye.

If you weren't married I'd say I think I love you

Right back atcha darlin'