Project Atlantis

Project Atlantis. The two words that he would never forget. The two words which will haunt him until his dying day. The two words which send shivers to his very soul.

Sometimes he lies awake at night, wondering what would happen if the scheme suceeded.

The project had one simple aim - to acheive the unacheivable. There were various arguments later which actually said that this aim was not a valid one due to the plain and simple fact that it contradicted itself rather harshly.

The fact that the aim contradicted itself, the argument continued, was the entire prupose of The Project. It's was, in fact, to acheive the inacheivable very validly and almost worked...

It starts very simply with a cheesecake.

"Cheesecake..." he groaned. Nobody knew the man's name, just the fact that he passed through the University cafeteria every Monday evening and was always upset, and for some reason surprised, at the fact that there was cheesecake for desert.

This man wound up the scholars at the university so much. He didn't seem like anyone out of the ordinary - fairly simple-looking, average height, brown hair. The fact was that the man was perfectly normal. The situation he provoked however, was highly extraordinary.

One Monday evening one of the young scholars at the university heard the perfectly normal man saying (perfectly normally),
"I hate cheesecake. I wish there was a universe without it so I could live there and not eat the blasted stuff." The young scholar thought that this was a good oppertunity to play some sort of a joke.

The scholar went off to one of the labs and worked away hard at trying to solve the problem of finding a cheesecake-free universe. He had, however, unexpectedly had a breakthrough. So instead of his originally planned one night, he locked himself in the lab for weeks. This upset the timetable, and there were often hard knocks on the door and muffled threats of firing him. The scholar ignored everything and had come up with an extremely simple equation which meant that he could find a universe without cheesecake, or in fact, any universe.

The equation was so mindboggling simple that he laughed. He laughed for another week. It was done. After a month of working (and laughing) he had found the equation. He left the lab satisfied.

Scrawled on the blackboard in large, white letters was the sum 2+2=5.

This young scholar is now an insignificant part of the story, and no more is to be heard of him for the rest of the story (despite his crucial discovery). All that shall be noted of him is that he ended up in the nut-house after going crazy and laughing constantly and occassionally muttering 2+2=5. That's all we need to hear of him now.

It was thought initially that the scholar was mad (which he undoubtedly turned out to be) and that 2+2=5 made no sense at all (which it undoubtedly didn't). However, this key equation was the basis of Project Atlantis.

For a while the equation was lost until one night a drunk scholar (slightly older than our previously known crazy one) was out for a drink. After his seventh pint it suddenly occurred to him that 2+2=5 did actually make sense (for he had been the one to rub it off the blackboard the next day for his class). The equation made no mathematical sense, but it did make a lot of sense when you looked at it with a sense of philosophy. However, after his eighth pint this scholar soon passed out only to find himself in a dumpster the next morning.

It was not until later that evening did he recollect his revelation about the odd equation. It came to him in a strange way and, indeed, provoked some strange ideas.

The scholar, who we will now recognise as Jack, stumbled out of the dumpster, attempting to recollect last night. It didn't work, so he started simpler. Name. John. No. Jake. No. Jack. Erm. Maybe? Ok. Jack it is. Where am I? Erm. Allyway. Er...bigger? Looks like Islington. Good enough. Groan. I need a paracetamol. Groan. Hangover. Mumble. Stumble. Slip. Ouch. Ok. Train station. Home. Home? Ugh...

Jack finally managed to stumble onto a train after about thirty minutes. One hour later he stumbled onto a train travelling in the right direction. As he found the righht house on his road (through trial and error) he stumbled through the front door and collapsed onto the hallway sleeping.

Jack finally awoke at around lunch time and stumbled into work claiming that he was drunk last night, which he was fairly sure had happened.

After work he went to the pub again.

2... the number drifted through the depths of his brain, seeking something familiar. 5... joined it. Hmmm. 2+2=5. Ha. He remembered. Before Jack forgot his great revelation, he quickly called up a couple of scholars and a couple of government scientists he knew and explained his discovery (well, really the other, younger, crazy scholar, but I said I would not mention him again...). All the scholars and scientists thought he was barmy, except one of the scientists who thought simply that he was eccentric.

Jack celebrated this with a couple of beers and passed out again, this time after his fourteenth beer.

This scientist friend (the one who thought he was simply eccentric) was also surprised by the principles of the equation 2+2=5 which have yet to reveal themselves in this story, and shall not be revealed quite yet.

It may also be noted at this point that Jack, unlike the younger scholar, does not disappear into the background of the story. It may also be noted that he is, in fact, an alcoholic and does pass out after a few drinks.

The intrigued scientist was, as previously mentioned, intrigued.

[Edited on 8-1-2004 by TheRenegade]

Now this intrigued scientist was neither crazy nor an alcoholic, so he made somewhat of a more detailed exploration into the ideas presented by 2+2=5.

Now to explain why this equation, 2+2=5, is so important and has caused one character to go crazy (the one I said I wouldn't mention any more) and another to faint twice from too much to drink. It has been mentioned that 2+2=5 makes no mathematical sense, and this is 100% correct (for those of you who weren't always great at the numbers). However, once looked at properly in the right frame of mind, 2+2=5 can present many strange revelations.

The equation is basically the mathematical expression of 'anything is possible', kind of similar to 1/0 means infinity, or everything. So, now looking at 2+2=5 it can be placed into a number of equations to work out how to get to anywhere in the theoretically infinite universe.

The scientist (the one who isn't crazy or an alcoholic) wrote up a long paper on the properties and uses of 2+2=5 and submitted it to the head of the time/space division of the US government.

The head of the department found the paper at the bottom of his in-tray after five months of it sitting there. After reading it he was thoroughly intrigued. He promptly hired the scientist and asked the scientist to head a new project he had come up with.

Project Atlantis was born.

The scientist, who's name shall now be revealled as Marcus, slaved for months over the principles of Project Atlantis. It took two years for him to finally reach the fine-tuning process.

Bythis time, Jack had forgotten all about 2+2=5 and its great possiibilities, and was lying in a dumpster somewhere in the vicinity of Hampstead Heath.

After another month or so of fine tuning, Marcus finally finished fine-tuning the project. He repoted to his official and was asked to show a demonstration to the President of the United States. Of course, no one actually knew what the project was, or could do, they simply assumed the whole time that it was something good. They had even heard that there may be cheesecake involved.

The day of the presentation came and Marcus held the demonstration. Inside the president's offie - a great big, round room with a star spangled banner and a single desk in the centre, sat the President. Marcus wheeled in a tray with a something under a cloth. The something did not yet have a name - Marcus still had to find something fancy that no one else could pronounce, or even spell. For now, we shall refer to it as the elephant.

Marcus unveiled the device, and it looked nothing like an elephant, although we are referring to it as this. The elephant was small and round with a flattened part at both the top and bottom. In the side of the elephant there were numerous buttons, dials and screens. Marcus twiddled with a few of them.
"Sir, what do you hate most in the universe?" Marcus asked the President. The President was not expecting any questions, let alone one of that type. He hesitated a bit and then mumbled.
"Sorry, sir?" said Marcus.
"Erm..my wife..." mumbled the President.
"Ok," said Marcus, "How would you like to see a universe without her?"
"I'm intrigued..." said the President. Marcus fiddled with a few more buttons, punched in some figures on the keypad and twidled a dial. He sat back and pressed the button on the top of the elephant. It was labled '2+2=5'.

Nothing happened.

Everyone in the room stood around with an odd silence for a minute.

The President cleared his throat.

"Yes?" said Marcus.
"Why hasn't it worked?" asked the President.
"It has, sir..." said Marcus.
"I'm sorry?" asked the President.
"It's worked, sir."
"Well, what was it supposed to do?"
"Ah, you wanted a universe without your wife?"
"Yes..."
"Try calling her cell phone." suggested Marcus.
"The President told his secretary to do so.
"What, sir?" chirped the voice back though the intercom.
"Call my wife," repeated the President.
"Your who, sir?"
"My wife."
"Your wife? Is this a joke, sir?" she laughed just in case it was, but soon stopped in case it was not.
"You mean, I'm not married?"
"Single as a worm in an apple, sir."
"Thank you, Helen." The President switched off the intercom.

Marcus was smiling to himself.

The President, and indeed everyone else in the room were amazed by the elephant. Marcus had now come up with a suitable name, he thought. He would call it a 'multi-dimensional transporting reality moulder'. For the sake of saving time, ink and my sanity I shall continue to refer to the multi-dimensional teansporting reality moulder as the Elephant.

Of course, now that such a device had been created, the creator would have to be disposed of so that no one should ever know of its creation, and then the government held full right to mess around with the Elephant in any way they saw fit, or simply profitable.

As the guards rounded in on Marcus he soon realised this and made haste to get the hell out of that room.

He had a pocket-sized Elephant in his pocket for occassions such as this. However, it was very hard to determine which universe he would appear in.

He had no choice. Marcus pressed the button on the pocket Elephant and the entire room he was in shifted into nothingness. Marcus found himself on an endless plain of rock and barren wasteland. He reached for the Elephant again but found that it was not there - he had entered a universe where the Elephant could not be invented.

"#," he said.

Of course, the government, being the government, soon tested the Elephant, now codenamed the Missus, on various things. For example, the officials in charge of it proposed an interesting idea. The President, also curious, gave the officials the go-ahead.

They pressed the button, now labelled Mrs., and suddenly appeared in a field. The entire governmental facility suddenly disappeared. There was plenty of sun and children playing in the streets. The world seemed like a generally nice place.

Of course, you can guess what the officials had the bright idea to do. For those of you unable to tell from the constant sun and endless merriment, the officials had entered a universe free of lawyers.

It suddenly occured to the officials that in such a happy world something as disastourous as the Missus could not exist.

"#," they all said.

Now it is known that nothing ever disappears. There are constant reports of missing children, dogs, aircraft, peanuts and other such like. They never stop to exist - they are simply misplaced in space and time. So now both the Pocket-Elephant and the Missus were wandering curiously through time and space. Strangely enough, the Pocket-Elephant and Missus produce what the scientists would later discover as the 'Oh, #!' factor. This was generally a large coincidental field where strange things occassonally happen due to the 'Oh, #!' field's free will. It can think for itself and act how it likes - which is how the Pocket-Elephant disopsed of its creator.

The Pocket-Elephant found its way through space and time to a strange man named John in the year 2036. It landed on his head and he took it appart to see how the thing worked. However, John's story is an entirely different one - one not covered in this story. The Missus found its way through space and time to a dumpster somewhere in the vicinity of Islington in the year 2004.

The missus popped out above Jack's head (I said he wouldn't fade into the background, didn't I?). It dropped gently onto it and hit him on the square of the head. He groaned and shifted from his drunken unconsiousness and rubbed his head. He scrambled around to see what had awoken him and found the Missus lying the in the dumpster next to him. He had no idea how he was in the dumpster (again) but did not care. He stumbled toward the train station and managed to get on the right train this time.

The Missus rattled against his keys in his pocket as he rode on the train, forgetting to get off at his stop. Seven stops later, Jack was hoping onto a train going the other way and made sure to get off at the right stop.

Jack forgot all about the strange metallic ball in his coat pocket until bed-time, when he got a strange craving for a drink.

Jack went downstairs and opened the firdge door in search of a drink. No alcohol. What a pain. Jack groaned and wondered if it was worth going out to the pub for another drink. He thought it would be nice this time if he could wake up in his own bed.

"Sod that," he muttered. Jack reached into his coat pocket for his keys to lock the front door. His hand fell on the cold, spherical device now dubbed the Missus. Jack pulled it out of his pocket and inspected it. Now that he was fairly sober he could inspect it with a fairly educated air about himself.

Jack did not know that the device he held was called a mult-dimensional transporting reality moulder, or an Elephant, or the Missus. He knew none of those names, so resorted to calling it round thing I found in my pocket while I was going out for a drink. Now, again to save my sanity, ink and another change of name, I shall now refer to the Multi-dimensional transporting reality moulder/Elephant/Missus/Thing he found in his pocket while he was going out for a drink simply as It. This new name, I find, is nice and short. It should make up for the waste of time spent reading and writing the three previous, long-winded names. It is also fairly easy to remember without having to constantly refer back in the text.

Jack was curious. He fiddled with a few dials and switches on It and then pressed the button which used to say Mrs. The writing had peeled off during its travel in time, so I shall now refer to the button also as It. Jack pressed It on It and held the It in his hand. It worked having pressed It and Jack saw It's sudden effect, having pressed It.

For those, like me, who could not tell what It is exactly, I shall now clarify. I will now refer It (the button) as The Other Thing. So here is the above paragraph in an easier-to-read form:
Jack pressed the Other Thing on It and held It in his hand. It worked having pressed the Other Thing and Jack saw It's sudden effect, haveing pressed the Other Thing.

Now that the paragraph is not such a monstorsity to the English language, I may carry on with the story.

Jack was alarmed, shocked but mostly amazed. His house had suddenly turned into a 24-7 strip joint. Booze and girls all in his own house. Jack quickly stuffed It into his pocket again. He quickly stumbled inside his own house, in desperate need of a good, long drink.

Jack walked past the various drunks and people attempting to stuff money down the pants of some girls wearing very little. Jack was interested in the girls, but figured he could watch after a drink.

Jack found his way behind the bar (he presumed that he still owned this place). He grabbed the cleanest-looking glass he could find and shoved it under one of the pumps. He gave himself a glass of Budweiser and downed it in one go. He slammed the glass down on the counter, glad to have some alcohol running through his overly-sober system.

Despite the fact that the bar was in Jack's own house, he awoke again in the morning in a dumpster situated somewhere in Camden.

Jack moaned and got a taxi home this time. This time he managed to get home in the first go. He stumbled through the front door and upstairs. Only after he had collapsed on his bed did he realise that he was now living above a bar.

"# sleep," he muttered. He strolled downstairs and joined the 24/7 party. Of course, Jack never got tired of his house and soon It began to grow tired of waiting. It had places to go, and only so much time until it began to rust or run out of batteries - those annoying C size which are so hard to come by in one's house.

So It began to start up its 'Oh, #!' field and got a passing stripper to grab It out of Jack's jacket upstairs. Soon It and the stripper were having a rather nice time in Atlantis, about 1500BC.

"#," muttered the stripper.

Hey man,

Congrats on the wonderfully convoluted and oftimes incomprehensible story. I have to recommend something to you: if you like this sort of thing as much as I do, go check out "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" and its four sequels, by Douglas Adams; the last two books especially sound a LOT like this, believe it or not

Yeah, thanks. I've already read all five books in the Hitchhiker 'trilogy'. This style I guess was kind of inspired by Douglas Adams. Bit late, can't be bothered to add any more at the moment, but thanks for the comparison to Douglas Adams - I'm hardly worthy

1500BC was considered by every single person who has travelled back in time and recorded his/her opinion in some manner as a much nicer time period than any one this side of the big 0AD. Of course, the number of people who have actually managed to time travel to 1500BC and record their opinion is to this very date 0.67456 people.
The stripper may have thought this too, had she not appeared with It about 600 miles above the coastline of Atlantis. Her final thoughts consisted of the two words giving the 'Oh #!' field its name. They were, as you may have guessed: "Oh #!". That was about the last sound she made before the definitive splat which was result of her bodily self being spread over the coastline of Atlantis in a rather large, bloody mess.
The roadsweep did not think much of this - he was fairly annoyed at the stripper's lack of consideration about people having to sweep up messes like this.
It quietly slipped out of the air and into the sweeper's pocket, whistling a little tune to itself.
This sweeper ultimately became the beginning and end of Atlantis. He harnessed It's power to make the country great, but they had yet to invent those annoying C size batteries, so It quit functioning for a few millenia. This was, of course, extremely bad news for the Atlanteans. With so many enemies and no real way of defending themselves, the surrounding countries soon bombarded Atlantis with so much crap that it sunk. Atlantis was now known as 1000BC's rubbish dump - since that is precisely what had sunk it.
The inhabitants of the island had all evacuated, or those stubborn enough to stay died from either disease or the stench of the accumulating junk. When the island silently slipped to the bottom of the ocean, no one was there to drown or wave goodbye - they were all busy doing other things; things such as deciding what they should do with their junk now that their trash hole had sunk.

Of course, with no annoying C-sized batteries to run off, It could hardly slip through space and time again, so It remained in the Atlantic, where it sank and rolled along the seabed to somewhere in the vicinity of Bermuda. There, It drained energy from passing boats and low-flying aircraft until It had enough energy to power itself through time and space again. So with a definitive pop It was gone.
It has always been worried that things would often fall into the wrong hands. With the infamous 'Oh #!' factor in play, this was of course bound to happen (although it might be noted that It was fairly displeased with the outcome, since the mad scientist who received the device was overjoyed and failed to award the standard 'Oh #!' which It had come to expect in its travels).
It was not long before the mad evil genius had learnt of how to use It, which he now renamed Betty. And it was only a little longer until he decided what to do with her...It?...no, Betty.