I switched the kind of contacts that I use.

I wasn't myself before. Well I was myself but I was letting other people get to me and my focus was off and when somebody said a negative comment about some of the things that I said at a certain time I let them delude me into thinking they were right and that there "was no other way."

I realized a few things by having switched contacts. I am much better at choosing what words I use when I speak with some person or have a conversation with another person. I can see who is my friend and who is not by how they look like when they are talking to me. I can especially see when someone on the internet is being sarcastic to me and is not letting me say what I want to say or they are censoring my opinions so they can only say what they want to say but not hear what I want to say. I can tell when a person is trying to tell me something... and I feel though as that I have excellent communication skills with my different pair of contacts.

Also... no one would take me seriously when I had soft contacts on because they felt as though that I was making up excuses or that they felt as though that I was lying through my teeth or that I was saying things wrong. When they talked to me they were making fun of how I talked to people and I said certain things in different ways or how I talked around other people who they don't know or didn't know that I talked to and they could not believe some of the stories I would tell when I had my soft contacts because I could not describe things as easily with my regular vision as with my hard contacts then without my soft ones.

My vision got in my way... people would ask me to repeat what I was saying at times and at other time people didn't care. No one would care what was wrong with me. I was being honest and I felt like I was the only honest person there so that they didn't listen to me. I felt as though no one did care what I said and that they felt awfully mad at me and that if I deserved to die.

I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me... there was nothing wrong with me... but that I couldn't stand up for myself when someone said something was negative or that something that I did was "terrible" or that something I made or worked on was a piece of junk. I can see that people you don't know do not care about you in this world. I can see that.

I can see that people are afraid to tell you what they really mean and that they are really mad at you for doing some stupid thing that they find immature and they hate you for the rest of your life... for it... they will never tell you to your face and they will be polite to you but they will not ever tell you.

Also... I can see that when people say mean things to you that they are not joking. It's not like they will forget about what they said and then they will talk to you. I know that some people only talk to you because they have to or that they are forced to talk to you... but that doesn't mean that they cannot be your friend.

I did not know what pain was or what hapyness was when I had soft contacts or when I didn't have them on... because I couldn't think well enough to be emotional about things.

I don't cry about it anymore... I am still really severely mad at the people who have misjudged me and misjudged my differences... but I am sure they can understand why I may have felt differnetly then.

I did not get a change in heart. I have a heart... I can understand what people say. It's just that what really bothers me is that people doubted me before and they criticized me negatively and they didn't give me positive critcisim.

I mean... just because I have a difference with my eyesight doesn't mena that people should pick on me.

If they were not picking on me they were not caring one way or another and they were only talking to me because they had to and so that it would not look bad for them. People were too critical of me before. It was maddening.