Hi Lombozo. This is the section of your experience that immediately rang a bell with me:
When the "moment" happened, suddenly an all encompassing blackness occurred. Yes we all have a blackness when we sleep, but this was so
different. It was like everything shut off. I don't know how else to describe it. Complete and utter blackness and silence. I thought I knew what
blackness and silence was when I slept, but trust me, it is nothing like this.
A few weeks ago, I had one of my periodic blackouts: crashed unconscious in the bathroom, stopped breathing for a short while, apparently. Luckily,
family members were in the house. One had dreamt a few nights earlier that I died, so when I had my mini-death in the bathroom they were upset,
feeling for a moment that their dream had 'come true'.
A few nights later, after having gone to bed, I lay there for a while in the darkness, mentally winding down, as you do. Everything was calm and
dark. I wasn't dreaming -- hadn't entered real sleep at that point.
Then, with no warning at all, I experienced that total 'shut-off' and utter blackness you described in your post.
As you've explained, it's no ordinary blackness. I mean, my room was dark in any case, and in addition I had my eyes closed, on the verge of sleep.
But this new and sudden blackness gave new meaning to the word.
As as you say, it's a complete 'shut off'/'shut down'. It's shocking. It's not just the mega-blackness --- it's the silence, the suddeness
and the *finality* and emptiness. The black is all there is.
It felt to me as if a switch had been turned off. Even in a dark room, at night, with the eyes closed --- even though that's 'black' -- there's
nevertheless a sense of continuation: you have a sense of things going on normally around you.
When you lie down in bed in a darkened room and close your eyes, yes, that's black. But it's your
blackness, isn't it? You've
entered that blackness voluntarily. YOU are in control of it.
I was already 'in' that stage of blackness: dark room, night time, eyes closed, falling asleep.
And then it happened -- the shut-down. Exactly as if I had been 'turned off'. And it was a whole new dimension in blackness. Complete, utter,
total 'nothing' except blackest-black. Over. Finished.
It only lasted a second or two. Left me very frightened.
I've lost consciousness at infrequent intervals since childhood. During one period, I was losing consciousness frequently. I'd be walking down the
road and next thing I'd 'wake up' to find myself lying at the side of the road, or half in the gutter. After 'coming to', I'd climb back to my
feet. Usually I had to return home to shower and change clothes because I'd have mud and debris stuck to me. I used to always be embarrassed and
hoped no-one had seen me. At other times I'd get a warning 'feeling' and try to go to some secluded spot: sometimes I made it in time to faint in
private. At other times I'd 'come to' in the middle of a shopping mall, to find people staring at me. It was always embarrassing. My nose has
been broken a few times as result of these attacks and invariably my head has taken the worst of the injuries, because when it happens I go down like
But even these 'black-outs' have never felt so intensely black and total as the 'shut off' experience of a couple of weeks ago while I was falling
So I feel I do know what you mean in your description (in quotes above) of the shut-down you experienced.
It really scared me. I'd never been afraid of death before it happened. But the experience shook me up. The worst thing was, the 'shut down'
felt as if it had been done deliberately: as if someone or something had shut me down. It didn't feel as if it came from 'within'. Didn't feel
like a 'natural' thing.
As I say, it must have only been of a second or two's duration.
Unlike you, I didn't have a sense that I should move a part of my body. I don't know what caused it or what 'brought me back'.
I was terrified as soon as the 'shut down' lifted, leaving me able to think again. I began praying in earnest. I really felt I must have died for
a few seconds.
Until that experience, I'd always imagined that dying would be similar to the sort of darkness I'm familiar with: being asleep or unconscious.
But this was a whole new variation of blackness: one I'd never known existed. I wouldn't have believed, until I experienced it, that such profound
and total blackness, finality, emptiness, coldness, impersonal 'nothingness', was possible ! Or that it could cut-into what was already pretty
black (night time, dark room, eyes closed, almost asleep).
I haven't told anyone in my 'real' life. I wouldn't want to frighten them.
I'd pushed it from my mind until I read your post.
Unlike you, I emerged from the experience having learned nothing, other than there's an entirely unsuspected 'blackness' of which I'm capable.
But I'm very happy to hear that your experience was positive and has enriched your life