An Open Letter to My Decapods

All right you decapod freaks, why in the world do you insist on pushing everything off the high levels of your tank into the water basins?

Is it that your tiny little crustacean brains don't remember that gravity sucks? Is it that you're bored? Is it that you like to see the big splash when the shells bomb the water filters?

It can't be that you want me to give you more water. You hate "the Hand from the Sky." You always chirp at me when I'm changing your food dishes. That's why they only get changed every couple of days. You're crabs, anyway, garbage men of the beach. You like rotten food. I've also seen you eat one another's poop just for kicks. So don't give me that story.

Don't look at me with those beady little eyestalks. Don't wave your cute little antennae at me! I don't even know whether to call you mister when I say that, or miss. It's too difficult (and often painful from a pinch) trying to get you to hang out of your shell enough to see if you have gonopores or not. And it's not like I'm planning on naming you anything. If one of you bugs of the beach ever came when I called it I'd be wondering who slipped acid into my drink.

And what is it with insisting on dying in the water? Don't you know you stink like nothing else when you die? Even python puke is not as bad, and that was the worst animal smell I'd encountered before you guys. In pets anyway. And don't you know that digging out the large water basins to get dead crab funk out of them is a pain in my butt? And you are so disgusting the way you shed limbs when you die and start to reek. Cute as you are, you are seriously disgusting when deceased.

While we are on the subject of disgusting, do you mind telling me what the heck you're doing when you leave your shell and go naked? Ugh! Crab butt! Put that thing away! Nobody wants to see the rear-end of you. It looks like something out of an HP Lovecraft novel. I provide you with the best turbo petholatis money can buy. Now do be a dear and PUT IT BACK ON!

I know you guys like to climb, but there are better ways to get down from hanging off the screen top than just letting go and bouncing off the crabitat furniture loudly all the way down. At 3:00 a.m. nightly. No more raining crabs during sleeping hours, OK?

The silk plants are not for eating. This is why you've been demoted to having plastic plants. If the bamboo lady ever comes back to the Farmer's Market, I'll buy you a nice organic dwarf bamboo and you can shred that for a few days.

Oh. One more thing. Please cease and desist all tunnelling beneath the tank furniture and then burying it. The platform is there to keep your food out of the sand so nobody gets sick.







[edit on 1-5-2007 by MajorMalfunction]

I'm guessing you like crabs (not being rude)

Ive got a turtle whos just about to turn 12, he's a right little s#$t too sometimes. But hey, he lives where he pee's. No fault.

Dude you've got crabs!

ROFLMAO

I know how frustrating it can be when your pets don't do as their told. I once had a hamster that would do a handstand so he could pee out of his cage.

Maybe even animals don't like to live where they pee.

There is a cream that can help... Oh no here I go again,

ROFLMAO...

I'd be careful how you address those decapods.
They may shell out the money for a Lawer, and rewrite their contract with an escape claws.

Then, nothing but plastic plants!

Gah! Puns! I wish I had a shell to hid in.

I used to own hermit crabs many years ago.

When the last of them died, we never bothered to get new ones.

Don't know why.

Perhaps because they seriously stink when they die, die really easily, and you can't cuddle them?

They were cute and fun, well they all had different personalities. We had one that wouldn't hide in his/her shell when you picked him/her up.

Then we also had another one that would stay in it's shell 95% of the time. He/She was boring as hell.

[edit on 5/2/2007 by Kacen]