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Confessions II: Staring Life in the Face

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posted on Jan, 1 2004 @ 10:13 PM
Hurt. It always comes back to hurt. When things seem to be looking up in life, # like this happens.

I'm sitting here, trembling and feeling like I took a sledgehammer to the chest. Another friend, another betrayal. More words of succor, more plattitudes, more lies. Claims of caring.

It all comes back to how things always were- me and my keshik... core group of friends. I apologize for the inclusion of such words, but I can't really adequately describe my words sometimes. Bah! It has always been this way. Me and my keshik, alone against the world. Each and every time I have stepped away from them, tried to trust those outside my reward has always been betrayal. Shame. Pain. Shame that I could be fooled into trusting the scum who so casually strike at me daily. The rewards of a life well spent trying to help your fellow man.

Is it any wonder why I'm so abstracted from reality? One hundred different worlds inside my head, one thousand different senarios...a hundred thousand victories. It mattered not whether it came from behind the barrel of a bolt action, glistening on the blade of a sword, or riding atop a Dreadnought or Battlemech. It doesn't matter, because they're just dreams. That's the only place I can face life, where I have every advantage. Outside of that, I am just a battered shell clinging to life stubbornly, denying death an easy prey as much out of spite as anything else. My life is meaningless and worthless.

No home.

No hope.

No heart.

I wander throughout existence, rambling to every open ear, balancing on the edge of a blade. Right now, there's tremors coursing through my hands after staying up for two nights without sleep. I read the accounts and stories of others, and I realize just how emotionally and intellectually bankrupt I am. I have a little talent for writting, yes. But I see so many others, my betters. The one thing I might have considered my edge, my talent is gone now. I'm just a pathetic, whimpering wreck too cowardly to end it all. It's better you all know now rather than find out later.



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