I can speak about bullying from a domestic violence perspective -- though my husband never hit me he did everything but. I left the marriage with PTSD
it was so bad.
I did a lot of self-education about emotionally abusive relationships after I left. Bullying is one subset of this larger phenomenon. While some
bullies can be shown the error of their ways and be led to change, the majority of spousal abusers cannot. Abusive spouses do not feel they are being
abusive. There is always an excuse, such as "she was asking for it by talking back," and the like.
These types have a flaw in their personalities that is very hard to change and to treat. First they have to acknowledge what they do is wrong, and
actively seek to change it, as well as take complete responsibility for what they've done, and it is a rare abuser indeed who is able to. It's about
entitlement, and power over others. They are so empty and damaged inside that the only way they can feel good about themselves is to drag others down
and keep them there. I've been trying for a year to understand how anyone can treat another human being in the way my husband treated me and I have
yet been able to figure it out. It's like there are two different realities: the first is the reality of mutuality. People who exist there believe in
give and take, mutual responsibility and mutual respect. The abusive types live in a reality of Power Over. Any attempts by their victim to stand up
and defend themselves is seen by the abuser as an attack on them! It's insane from a mutuality perspective. And from a Power Over perspective, mutual
people seem to be the aggressive ones for daring to insist on their own rights and feelings being valid.
It's complex and very hard to explain in a short space. There is an excellent website on bullying here.
So believe you me, I understand completely what bullying can do to a person and how it makes them feel. But the victim still has a choice and control
over their OWN actions. Two wrongs don't make a right; being bullied does not give one the right to kill. While understandable, it's not
The answer to how to prevent bullying I do not have. I'm still being bullied by my ex, with the help of the family court at this time. Maybe in
another year, I'll have some answers.
All I know is that despite all he's doing, I'm trying my hardest not to be pulled down to his level and join him in his games. I'm trying to take
the high road. But I also have to have clear and consistent, firm boundaries with him. To the judges on family court, who don't have the time to get
to know the individual people in the cases before them, it looks like we are merely a high-conflict divorce so I am blamed as much as he is for what
The difference is that he is lying to the court, manipulating our child, and trying to use court to regain the control over me he's lost. While I am
trying to protect our child, telling the truth, and trying to get the court to make him leave me alone. To the busy justice on the bench, I look as
bad as he does. He's throwing mud and about half of it is sticking to me.
Unfortunately, I don't have any other way out but through it. And the bullying I endured as a child has given me some strength and skills to deal
with this, though I can feel my health beginning to slip and I still struggle daily with depression and attacks of panic.
Bullying is awful, but it exists. We have to look within ourselves to deal with it, and not hope that bullies will change. They have been with us
since the beginning, and they will always be. The only thing that we can affect is how we let bullies affect us.
[edit on 29-4-2007 by MajorMalfunction]