Ok I need some relationship advice

It may be too late to ask for advice, but here it goes. I am 31 divorced and my first wife was the "love of my life". However there is NO possibility of her coming back so we can drop that question. (she switched teams)
So for about 2 yrs I have been spending time with a very nice 24 yr old girl who was the secretary at my Lawyer's office. Funny, I know. At first we were just friends, at least for about 6 months. Anyway our friendship grew and we began dating. I don't party or drink and she does both, but it doesn't bother me a whole bunch.
During our relationship she has been very serious about us and has been wanting more and more committment. I decided about a month ago to go ahead and propose to her on a very nice trip to California staying at a nice hotel and she accepted.
We have now set a date for 2008 and she is wanting to move in. Her family loves me and wants nothing more than to see us together. However my mother is highly educated, and although this girl makes good money she hasn't even graduated high school and is not "refined" as some might want her to be. My mother thinks I can do better and says she doesn't mind her but can't picture me having a family with her.
My mother means very much to me and after the loss of my sister I am all she has left. I am dead set on making my mom happy, however want to make sure I am also happy. Another dilemma is my mom is "usually" right about things. Ok I know this is a tuff one but any help would be highly appreciated. Thanks all

Just wondering if anyone had any suggestions. Sorry to be bothersome. I know relationship help posts are the lamest posts out, I just need to get past this deal and keep on truckin'. Advice either way would be way helpful.

I advise you to either allow that girl to move to your house or to move to her house. Marry her if you and her keep loving each other. Why? Because you should be most important to yourself. Your GF too. Also, remember that her family wants you to marry her. They DO matter too. It doesn't matter that she isn't a graduate of any university. Winston Churchill wasn't either (not even the Dartmouth Naval College), but he was suited to govern Britain and did govern it. The current British Environment Secretary, the best Oxford graduate of his class, is not suited to govern my nearest bar and will not govern it.

I know relationship help posts are the lamest posts

I disagree.

[edit on 14-4-2007 by INeedHelp]

If it really matters that much to your mother for her be be sophisticated, and educated; And for you to please your mother. This might also be explored.

Send her back to school and she can major in something like art history, anthropology, or drama and wa la; instant hipness.

Bro, you need to be happy. You can`t make everyone happy, but you can make you happy. You`re mom will grow to love your wife. I had somewhat of the same case on my hands when I first got engaged, but now my folks like my wife more than me. Damn, I wish that were a joke!
Besides if you don`t gt married soon you`re going to turn into a little old man and then no one will want to marry you! J/K

I agree that you should do what will make you happy, nobody else (well the wife-to-be too of course lol) but I do understand your hesitation at the reaction from your mother. That can be a very tough situation to be in.

Perhaps postponing the wedding for a little while would help you to ensure this is what you both want and in seeing you guys mean business your mom will come around if she see's you are both being reasonable about it and that you're in love.

I feel the best way to approach this would be to show that you are covering all angles so to speak, that you have thought about any and everything and are sure that it is what you want. Mom is there to worry about us, for us - it's what they do She is just concerned about you.

She may just need reassurance from you that this IS what you want and that you are happy with this girl - as she is, for who she is. Talk to her, real talk.


I wish you the best,
Bless

Well, he is waiting until 2008, that`s pretty postponed I think.

All of you have been very very helpful I truly appreciate it. I honestly was a little worried to ask for relationship advice online. However, as always the caliber of people here on ATS have been very polite and helpful. Thank you all.

If all you can worry about is your Mom's approval of your girl, then perhaps you should not be in a relationship at all.

This is my honest viewpoint on the facts you gave. Sorry.

Have you talked to your girlfriend about her getting a GED? I know you need to value your mother's opinion, but at the same time, you need to do what you feel is best for you. If this woman truely makes you happy, then do what feels right in your heart. Plus, waiting until 2008 gives her plenty of time to complete a GED. I know there are many websites online that could even help her prepare for the test. I know of someone that dropped out of school at 16 and took the GED test when they were 18. They passed easily. Perhaps you could come to some sort of agreement to make everyone happy.

Bigfoot, I know I will catch hell for this . . .

I think you need to spend a lot longer getting to know her, and deciding how you want to live.

I understand what you are talking about, I think, and don't want to pass judgment on you, your mom, or the woman.

Basically, my main caveat would be: "does this person you love ever make you feel embarrased, in front of family or your friends?" Only you can answer that, and say to what extent, and whether you can accept it.

I will say this, if your beloved embarrasses you, you WILL hold it against them, whether you can admit it or not.

I had a long-term girlfriend who was not as "refined" as I was. I had been around the world, knew a lot of things because of my extensive education, and enjoyed subtle things. She was a wonderful person, but she never wanted to leave the neighborhood she'd grown up in. Didn't want to try new things, and couldn't appreciate the subtle differences in things people from another background would.

She looked great in a cocktail dress, but never would be comfortable wearing one. She always felt awkward "making conversation" at a party where beer wasn't consumed straight from the can, and where there are different forks for each course.

We talked about marriage, but basically agreed that, while we would always be friends, we didn't have any business trying to force the other person to change.

A GED (as some posters recommend) wont change anything. A lot of it is self-image and comfort levels. My girlfriend was very intelligent, and a medical professional; but she had not interest in, or common ground with people from other places or who were experts in other fields.

In short:

If you cannot be proud of your lover, if you cannot trust them to "make you look good," you will always have a bit of resentment, even if it is secret.

If you love her, but resonate with what I'm saying might be true, then you owe it to her not to mess up her life by committing to her while holding secret reservations or regrets. She deserves either your total support and admiration, or she deserves her freedom.

.

Quite simple in my opinion, you think the world of your mum and respect her don't you.

She should do the same for you!

The hard part is getting her to understand that it's your choice, not hers. Your life, not hers.

You could also try negative psycology on her. Not really ethical but sometimes the only way.

E.G: Tell your mum you've met someone else (her happy), find someone horrid who will play along with this and introduce them to eachother (her horrified).
Bet she persuades you to go back to your first partner and convince herself it is for the best!

This is a hard one... I know cause i'm 27 and spent most of my life trying to get my parents approval, and failing miserably. There are some details I need before advising you. For example... has your mom liked any girl you have been with?

If your answer is no one... then the solution is simple... she won't like anyone you introduce to her. However, just because your mother disapproves doesn't mean she doesn't want to see you happy. If the girl your with makes you happy then you should obviously do what makes you happy. If your on the fence... it might be better for you to step to the side and let her find someone who wants exactly what she wants.... and you can find that special someone yourself.

If the answer is yes, why did she approve, and how did those end?

As for your ex being the love of your life... I've found that as life changes so do those you love. I personally would hold out till another woman invokes the same feelings in you as your ex, before getting into another serious relationship.

True love is out there... it's just hard to find, and harder to keep.

I'm a mom. And as a mom, my first priority is my children's happiness. I have no business telling them who to love. All I want is for them to be happy.

If you are happy with your new girl, then your mother should be happy for you. Telling you she's not good enough for you is an attempt to control you, which is not acceptable to do to an adult, even if it is your own child.

If it was me, and I was sure about this new person in my life, I would respectfully tell my mother that as much as I love her, she is not the person in charge of my life, I am.

Moms are great, but we need to respect our adult children's boundaries.

You can hear your mom out, tell her you heard her, and then go on and do what you want to do with your own life, IMO.

At the end of the day, it is your life and your feelings. I don't mean to be rude, but I believe that every parent would and should wish for their child to be happy. You seem to be happy with who you are with and if your Mum can't see that then it's quite selfish of her. Again, I'm not trying to be rude, it's just my opinion.

First of all, IMO, I wouldn't have proposed that fast.

I would have let the engagement 'pan out' for as long as need be; regardless of traditionals etc.

IMO (and mine only), the time of engagement is a learning period.

Think about it!

In this day and age, there are no set-rules as to the time to when we should marry.

People marry at the drop of a hat; others wait for the next solar eclipse for nuptuals -whose right? whose wrong?

It seems to me that you are 'close' to your moms' heart more than you know (from your posting).

And from what I gather, according to the OP, I would say that its your fiance's background and current education is what's playing a MAJOR decision on whether to marry or not. This along side with the fact that your mother may NOT be pleased with your choices.

YOU really need to step back from the situation and take some time to realize what is most important for YOU. It's time to take stock and inventory of the situation, to re-evaluate your chosen priorities, and how they will affect you from the moment you say -I DO - to the rest of your life.

A very hard choice.

You also have to remember:

Does 'marriage' mean to YOU both: only a few years, 10 years, or for life?

We, the posters, can offer only SO MUCH info as to how 'we' think the world should be.

Don't forget my words to you TODAY...OK?

Theutahbigfoothunter you have to put your happiness before the happiness of your Mum. You have to free to make your own mistakes or great decisions.
Have you given a lot of thought to the idea of having kids with this Women ?
Would you want her to be more refined when she raises your kids ?
These are two things you have to think about before you get married.

There has been much sound advice here from some very wise ATS members; but sometimes a professional
counselor/therapist/shrink/priest/ can really be advantageous if all parties sit down together and let their true feelings be known. Many time the problem is inconsequential and easily resolved.

If I was you I'd do whatever I wanted regardless of what my parents would think

[edit on 1-6-2007 by DarkSide]