Steven Wright

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famously erudite scientist and comic who once said:

"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement and amusement.

Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend..... but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever...... so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder".
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
28 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
29 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
30 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
31 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
32 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
33 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Dave


[edit on 3/11/2007 by Dave Rabbit]

[edit on 3/11/2007 by Dave Rabbit]

Well, thank you for giving me a good laugh on a monday morning.

Unless they were meant to be serious...

...... Steven Wright has NEVER been serious. Thanks.... glad you got a laugh out of it. You should see him in person or some of his DVD's.

Dave

:Salutes!:

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

That one's great!


I just re-watched Reservoir Dogs today and Wright does the voice of K-Billy's DJ for their super sounds of the 70s in typical Wright dead-pan. Good stuff.

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famously erudite scientist and comic who once said:

He was a scientist? Never heard that before.

[edit on 13-3-2007 by Rren]

yah i never heard he was a scientist neither.. i do believe he was the voice of i.n.t.e.l.l.i.g.e.c.e in Team America.

The very first time I saw this guy was years ago on an HBO Special. I was so blown away at what he said. His dry wit. This was a comedian far ahead of his time. I have heard nothing about him in several years.

Dave

Always loved that guy's work.

"I'm gonna get a full body tattoo... of myself... only taller." Steven Wright

Me and my dad love listening to the guy, used to have one of his cassetes. Then we lost it and couldn't remember his name. When I found him again, first thing i did was try to find his CDs. Unfortunately no one carried them! It took a long time to find one, by that time I'd gotten a torrent though.
He's easily one of the funniest, cleverest, and driest comedians I've ever seen.

Oh yes..The man is a riot. The local FM Classic rock Station in Albany has him on sometimes and he appears quote a bit in the area comedy clubs. Stand Up deadpan beyond compare.

"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."

"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?"

"What's another word for 'thesaurus'?"

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."

"One year for Christmas, my uncle got me a box of band-aids. He also got my brother a box of broken glass... then he told us to share"

Just caught this...

One word..

OUTSTANDING...

I have heard many of those before and never knew whom to thank for those bits of wisdom; now I know...

Thanks Dave

Semper

Heads up!

He's got a special on comedy central starting now!

"Ya know, if heat rises, heaven might be hotter than hell."

[edit on 8/6/08 by redmage]

Originally posted by Dave Rabbit

"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

Thanks for this post Dave, it made me started the day with a big smile from ear to ear.
I am not familiar with the work of Steven Wright but reading his gems proofs to me that a scientist with humour is obvious a marvellous combination.
These are my favourites.

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder".
33 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

And this one explains to me why I don’t have a photographic memory.
32 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

Thanks

"I washed my dog with Spot Remover and now he is gone"



I miss Steven Wright...............he has the BEST one liners of all time.

He needs to do a comeback......or maybe a neverwasgone

For a while there, I thought he was dead (had to check to see if he was still amoung the living, lol)

In doing the checking, although I couldn't find his scientist connection, I did however find a list of his film career..

Desperately Seeking Susan (1985) as Larry Stillman D.D.S.
The Appointments of Dennis Jennings (1988) (short film)
Stars and Bars (1988) as Pruitt
Reservoir Dogs (1992) (voice only) as K-Billy DJ
So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993) as Pilot
Natural Born Killers (1994) as Dr. Emil Reingold
The Swan Princess (1994) as Speed (voice)
Mixed Nuts (1994) as Suicidal man at pay phone
Canadian Bacon (1995) as Canadian Mounted Police Officer
Half Baked (1998) as The Guy on the Couch (uncredited)
Babe: Pig in the City (1998) as Bob (voice)
One Soldier (1999) (short film)
The Muse (1999)
Loser (2000) as Man in Bar
Coffee and Cigarettes (2003) as Steven
The Aristocrats (2005) as himself
When Stand Up Stood Out (2005) as himself
Son of the Mask (2005) as The Boss

Funny, as I go though the list of movies and they list what part he played or voiced... I do a "Oh yeah, that was him" lol.

I think itwas Steven Wright that said, " I bought some instant water but I didn't know what to add."