Systematic Mental Reprogramming?

This thread deals with the possibilities of systematically"reprogramming" an individual over the course of several years (please bear with me, this is difficult to write about, there is so much involved...) :

To begin...

I grew up roughly like anyone else.

It wasn't perfect, but then again - nothing ever is. There were things I didn't understand, things I had to learn and things I learned how to forget.

When I was roughly 18 years of age, on my own and unable to cope with the pressures of an adult world I couldn't understand - I experienced a complete and total breakdown. I was diagnosed with schizoaffective bipolar disorder disorder and given a perscription of antipsychotics.

I was able to recover without the use of medications, and did rather well for myself until about 10 years later. I found my therapy in nature and writing music, traveling and meeting new people. I studied theology from across the world and looked for a possible spiritual explanation for what I was going through.

Suddenly, around the middle of 1999 - I was having episodes and losing touch left and right.

I estimate that since the symptoms began reoccrring I have been hospitalized over 20 times, and been given every antipsychotic medication on the market to try and level out my symptoms.

I've also moved four times since this began surfacing, and I've noticed there is no "across the board" treatment in inpatient facilities - sometimes it's constructive therapy (rarely), and other times it's nothing more than crayons and television and a hefty bill at the end of the inpatient treatment.

Several years ago, in between visits and staying true to my medications, I suddenly found myself going into what I can only describe as trance states. I would find myself on the internet systematically looking for particualr subjects outside my normal field of interest.

A lot of these topics dealt with brainwashing, cults, and the infamous MKULTRA and Monarch Projects.

About five years ago, I noticed a disturbing trend in how I was being treated when these episodes hit.

(For the record - I am passive, non violent and very childlike in these states. I experience involutary mutism and have minor dissociative fugues, even though I know how to return to my home - I tend to wander for some reason.)

Invariably - some well meaning individual notices a girl "behaving oddly" and calls in local law enforcement. Now - mind you, I can't speak during these times - but I can follow orders.

Ambulances terrify me these days. I don't know why this is - I have never had an irrational fear of such things. Some of the local law enforcement frighten me as well...and this is odd because I've never had anything but respect for the Police.

But the real issue I suppose is the hospitals. I am not given sedatives any more. I am given an anti-psychotic that immediately plunges me into darkness - and the procedure of being administered this agent is not a pleasant one by any means, even though I am passive and non combative and more than happy to comply with any orders, I am systematically assaulted by a throng of nurses who overwhelm me in their attempt to get a needle in my thigh or buttock as quickly as possible.

The last time I had an episodic fugue and one of these injections I awoke several hours later in the treatment facility, standing outside and having a conversation while smoking a cigarette with the other patients. I do not recall the ride to the facility, nor walking outside, nor lighting up or even what I was talking about.

All I know is that I was having a conversation, and when it was time to go back inside, I blacked out yet again and woke up in bed the next day with no ill affects.

Since this last major episode, I have had minor symptoms, have remained faithful to my perscription - but have yet to find a therapist I can afford who is able to work with me in deciphering what I have been through the past eight years.

I ask about Systematic Reprogramming in that since this condition has escalated it feels as if everytime I come out of the hospital I am losing a part of myself.

Quite honestly - I was once a bright, articulate, creative person in tune with myself and the world....and now I struggle with self expression on several fronts. I feel completely disconnected with a healthy way of life, and I can no longer hold even the simplest of jobs.

I went from being open and casual to being very closeted and introverted. One of the primary ways I dealt with the onset of the condition for those 10 years was to sit quietly in cafes and write out my thoughts and feelings - now I can barely pick up a pen, let alone sit in a cafe and feel like a normal person.

I hesitate to leave my house each and every day - I am full of fear and the only routine I have anymore is waking up my husband and making him dinner and coffee every night.

I feel like a Stepford Wife.

Is it possible that I have been "reconditioned"?

Is such a thing possible?

(please forgive me if I rambled - but there is so much I didn't know where to begin...I'llbe happy to answer any questions as they come up - thanks for your time.)


[edit on 5-3-2007 by GENERAL EYES]

only a short while ago I was reading this webpage, which goes into how they mindcontrol victims. It seems the CIA MK Ultra project was preceded by nazi doctors experimenting the same things. Presumably some of the same doctors were involved in both after Operation Paperclip

educate-yourself.org...

I only just read through your post fully. It seems you haven't read about this previously. You should learn about the CIAs MK Ultra Project. And Cathy O Brien was a victim of that project, Mark Phillips rescued her. You should search youtube or google videos for their story

www.youtube.com...

www.youtube.com...

video.google.com...
They tell how peoples brains can be programmed or reprogrammed by controllers

I do sincerely wish for you to find peace of mind again, such a thing should be possible again I am sure.

[edit on 5-3-2007 by golddragnet]

Thanks for the links and the well wishing.

There are connections with the MKULTRA project - I don't deny that in any way....I was born on a military base and moved every two years of my life. I have several layers of personality, and I'm no stranger to the occult. I tend to regard it with intellectual interest as opoosed to outright survitude to any particular lifestyle.

High IQ (tested at age four)...high visualization skills, etc, etc...there are some parallels.

But WHY???

(from your article)

The victim is eventually stripped of every spiritual or emotional resource by a variety of traumas...police, and therapists curse the victim, reject the victim, and even “kill” the victim in simulated drug deaths.

I have been through this.

The hardest thing about all of this is not understanding why they would take a productive member of society and subject them to such things...for all my research, all I can find is sadistic power plays as the motivation behind these sort of abuses.

If they can "create psudeopersonnas" why the heck aren't they helping me to manifest my creativity that could one day serve to profit them?

It just makes no logical sense to me...and not knowing why is the hardest thing to deal with.

Thanks for replying.

Originally posted by GENERAL EYES
The hardest thing about all of this is not understanding why they would take a productive member of society and subject them to such things...for all my research, all I can find is sadistic power plays as the motivation behind these sort of abuses.

If they can "create psudeopersonnas" why the heck aren't they helping me to manifest my creativity that could one day serve to profit them?

That was my thought as well. But then you could be in the "failure" group of their experiment that shows what can happen when a subject is "handled" incorrectly.

More importantly, I would like to thank you for posting your story. I'm sure that's a difficult thing to do, but in addition to offering some excellent information to the group here, maybe you will get some productive advice that will help you understand the reason why you are going through this.

I'll be very interested to learn more about your story as this thread progresses!

Thanks Annestacey - I hope this thread can help me work through some of those unanswered questions as well.

But then you could be in the "failure" group of their experiment that shows what can happen when a subject is "handled" incorrectly.

True. I've wondered if I was a "throwaway" because of recent treatment - but it might just be the area I'm living in.

I just got back from visiting my family, and I was going through the motions of a seeker once again (I tend to fixate on certain imagery every so often) and I was able to find a few "comfort items" and symbols that I can meditate on with a degree of peace.

I've always wondered that - according to the theory and the info I've garnered over the years about MKULTRA and Monarch Programming - if there is an ultimate "end result".

Sort of like a predestination within the group.

I'm not paranoid about things anymore - just overty curious. I suppose it might be silly of me to want to help them achieve a "successful result" - but it's a hell of a lot better than the alternative.

oops, i was thinking the dialog was going to be on Social Engineering...

but a few items/issues i kinda had years ago caught my attention...

Originally posted by GENERAL EYES

I estimate that since the symptoms began reoccrring I have been hospitalized over 20 times, and been given every antipsychotic medication on the market to try and level out my symptoms.

i once volunteered into one of those 30 day detox programs that are administered by the State, (in this case S.C.)
7 months later i was released after a hearing & a Judge released me, in my in-laws supervision.
while there in the Center, there was this +50ish dude, who made it a practice to stay in the detox village about twice a year...
The community called him "17"
because he had been a resident there 16 times before....what a lifestyle!?
...

A lot of these topics dealt with brainwashing, cults, and the infamous MKULTRA and Monarch Projects.

a generation or two before your dynamics, the theme was a little different-
& had to do with Nazi medical experiments,
the story called "The Boys From Brazil", had an experiment by Nazis that fled to SouthAmerica, producing (prior to clones) offspring with Adolph Hitlers evil spawn as their heritage / ancestory.

at one time, my imagination convinced me that being birthed in a DPO camp near Nuremberg, then being shipped to America, later being sponsered for citizenship by Gerald Ford @ GrandRapids Michigan...and other weird coincidences supported this sane/rational 'delusion',
at least until my Army tour, in of all places Nuremberg Germany,
when the 'experimental nazi offspring' model was finally put to rest.
(replaced by the Big Brother, CIA, counter-intel, boogy-man)

I ask about Systematic Reprogramming in that since this condition has escalated it feels as if everytime I come out of the hospital I am losing a part of myself.

this idea of 'Reprogramming',
i would think medical/psychology clinicians would contend,
must start out with a 'blank page'
& to get that state could only happen by drug induced or electric shock induced memory loss.
Neither of which you report as being subjected to...

i don't know what to say about your plight, except for the hope
that Time & Life treats you well

St Udio - regarding the "blank slate" required for new programming to occur...

In 2003 I had a episodic break and the officer who responded to the call took me to the county jail for booking instead of the hospital.

There, unable to speak or communicate - I was put on a "suicide watch" in a detention cell known as VC-1 without cause or provacation and administered some sort of medication that sent me into violent physical convulsions as well as mental "switching" until I dropped from exhaustion.

I spent over two month in that room while the county got the paperwork together to transfer me to a real hospital for medication evaluation.

That room was no more than 8x10 feet, and lacked anything other than a drain in the floor and a stoop on which to sleep. The walls were made fo rubber and even though an intercom was provided, it didn't work. It was constantly cold and when I finally regained the capacity to speak - my requests for a blanket were systematically denied.

Two months.

Would something of that nature classify as "creating a blank slate?"

I do not know much, but I do know that you have to make sure 'paranoia' isn't added to you list of symptoms. The irrational fears you experience may be just as random as your episodes.

Psychological disorders are the hardest to diagnose and treat, which is why you may have been messed around so much. Hospital nurses get assaulted a lot by people, so they're right to be cautious of someone having an episode.

In 2003 I had a episodic break and the officer who responded to the call took me to the county jail for booking instead of the hospital.

I'm surprised it doesn't happen more often. When I live you would probably be put in a cell and written off as a substance abuser.

I do suggest you find a mental health practitioner for you problems, and try to find a rational reason for your symptoms... instead of letting internet conspiracy sites fuel paranoia at your time off weakness.

Get well soon, and let us know how it goes okay?

Edit;

Just to add, can you describe your symptoms in more depth? Sleep loss? Sudden weight loss? Ect...

[edit on 5-3-2007 by CaptainLazy]

I do suggest you find a mental health practitioner for you problems, and try to find a rational reason for your symptoms... instead of letting internet conspiracy sites fuel paranoia at your time off weakness.

Thanks Captain - I have been searching for a pyschotherapist I feel comfortable with for some time. I've only met one person I felt I could "open up to" unreservedly about this whole scenario. This forum doesn't really substitute that option - it's just really a stab in the dark in hopes of finding someone else who might have first or second hand knowledge of the subject.

Conspiracy doesn't interest me all that much, but I have found some parallels with certain techniques and terminology within the annals of those aforementioned topics.

Just to add, can you describe your symptoms in more depth? Sleep loss? Sudden weight loss? Etc...

The primary diagnosis was schizoaffective bipolar disorder - and I've read up on the subject intensively. In order to try and cultivate a more holistic lifestyle, I abstain from intoxicants of all sorts and maintain a healthy diet. This seems to ease the onset of the symptoms.

The scenario usually begins with a decreased need for sleep (manic phase) and lasts about 3 days before I break down.

During these times I hear voices and suggestions in my head - mostly conversational and leading into rather elaborate role playing scenarios. Simple stuff, very childlike in nature - high on the humor. Subjects are rarely very serious or deep for very long.

Unfortunately - I had a high propesnsity to lose myself in imaginary worlds - growing up and only child I played in my own head most of the time. Always being the "new kid" at school didn't help much socially, so I turned to more intellectual and personal interests as opposed to trying to integrate into the social structure.

I had a high tendancy towards disassociation early on - and now, in my adult years, I find that when I get taken back to this childish state of mind it's a natural high. It's addictive in it's attractions.

About the third day in - generally, the story begins to increase in it's intensity - coming faster, all the thoughts and scenarios - and I go into what I found to be termed "switching".

The easiest way to define this is if you have ever taken an acting class, there is sometimes a technique used to work the actors imagination the teacher will ask them to do quick impersonations of various characters in various roles. "Be a tree"....(pause)..."be a concerned parent"...pause..."policeman"...and so on like that for a few changes.

Now imagine that happening very quickly - the roles being called out to you happen so quickly, you barely have time to assume the first role before you are called upon to do another. For thirty minutes or so.

This is where the initial "break" occurs. Too much, too fast.

After the mental collapse - I am in a completely childlike state. I understand the universe is benevolent, that all is right with the world, that everything is as it should be.

Then, for some inexplicable reason - I am drawn outside to look around and interaxt with the world around me.

The last time this happened - I merely walked down to the convience store on a busy friday night. I had a compulsion to take my guitar with me. I walked into the store, which was busting with activity - and decided maybe it was best to wait outside until the rush died down.

I was waiting out of the customer traffic zone (gas pumpers included) and standing on the corner patiently with my guitar slung over my back. After a few minutes I looked back at the store and it was still very crowded. I decided my soda wasn't really that important to me and began walking home.

The next thing I knew, a police cruiser had pulled up and asked to see my identification. I handed my wallet over and without being able to speak I was informed that I had been called in as a public disturbance. I could not protest and was so bewillered at how I was creating problems I remained in stunned silence.

The officer noticed I was noncommunicative and could obviously tell I was "not in this world" at the moment. He called in an ambulance and was very polite.

The whole time, I can't speak and I have no desire to protest. I'm in a trance of sorts. Just watching everything.

I've been some weird places....I'm just not sure how I should approach the details - with humor and I may not be taken seriously - in all seriousness, and I'll lose the spirit or the events and encounters.

I guess the point I'm getting at is = it's not a bad thing for me. It's just bizzare and offbeat and part of me wonders if some of the places and things I've been through really ecapsulates the REAL Sytem - not the paranoid "what's happening oh my god" sort of interpretation.

Did any of that make sense?





[edit on 5-3-2007 by GENERAL EYES]

Originally posted by GENERAL EYES
things I had to learn and things I learned how to forget.

can you tell me what you learned on how to forget things? i would love to forget some things that has happened to me when i was entering adulthood.

When I was roughly 18 years of age, on my own and unable to cope with the pressures of an adult world I couldn't understand - I experienced a complete and total breakdown. I was diagnosed with schizoaffective bipolar disorder disorder and given a perscription of antipsychotics.

i dont mean for this to talk to much about my experience but i just want you to know that i have been thru something so i will give a few details....

ive experienced 3 breakdowns since i was about 20. im 36 now. i went to a doc and they gave me meds but i stopped. i dont like meds. and dont trust meds. the greek word for pharmacy is pharmakeia meaning witchcraft and or poison so i dont take them. doing fine without them.

before i had my first episode i was one of the most popular people in my town. i had "the life" for a 19 year old... but something happened and suddenly everyone that i knew in my friends circle noticed i was acting really weird and turned on me. started picking on me and humiliating me groups at a time. i withdrew and didnt talk to anybody even my parents for months. my physical look changed as well. i looked like something was wrong with me mentally. couldnt even go out of the house and if i did i couldnt look anybody in the eye.
i can only imagine what my parents thought. they were at a loss and didnt know what to do. of course my story is much longer than this and with a lot more detail but for the most part it was the darkest place that i have ever been. i got out of the dark. and have fallen due to pressure in life two more times. i literally thought i was going crazy and unless a person has experienced that they will never understand the horror. i say horror because for me that describes it.

im fine now. i have learned to have a positive attitude about life. i have a 10 year old son who brings me life, love and light to my world. he is the most awsome gift in the universe that has ever been given to me. he glows with love and joy, peacefullness, kindness, goodness, always has patience, full of self control...against such things there is no law. its no wonder that christ said.. unless you become like little children again, you will not enter that heavenly kingdom. i pray that i am showing my son and my creator that i have those things in me.

but during that darkness some sort of mind control or mental programming did enter my mind as well but i soon found out it is just a battle for me. what decisions i make in life. do the right thing or the wrong thing. do i let the advertisments on the media mold my mind or will i think for myself. and i do believe that media is a systematic mental reprogramming tool. i think that i was breaking free of that and that is one thing that caused my emotional breakdown.

i believe it was a baptism of fire of sorts..a rebirth? now im free and know some of the answers. love your fellow man because we are all in this together. treat others the way you want to be treated no matter what. love your creator because he made this planet for us and i hope you realize what a amazing place your at. you actually got a chance to experience this reality and its mysteries. remove all negative things from your life this includes the television. might i say remove all religion and read the words of christ. he is the perfect example of how we all should live. and if you dont have any children then i suggest one.
i do hope you are happy and find peace.





[edit on 5-3-2007 by Funkydung]

can you tell me what you learned on how to forget things? i would love to forget some things that has happened to me when i was entering adulthood.

When I was younger I was surrounded by a rather dysfunctional choatic family. Everyone was very strong in their personality - including their flaws. Everyone was trying to teach me "how to act and how to behave" and I swore I would never be like them. FIghting 24-7 is not my idea of a good time.

I simply repressed those memories of how to act, and replaced them with ideals of what I wanted to be. I wish I knew how to give a complete run down of how I managed to suppress these things, but it just happened naturally.

i believe it was a baptism of fire of sorts..a rebirth? now im free and know some of the answers. love your fellow man because we are all in this together. treat others the way you want to be treated no matter what. love your creator because he made this planet for us and i hope you realize what a amazing place your at. you actually got a chance to experience this reality and its mysteries. remove all negative things from your life this includes the television. might i say remove all religion and read the words of christ. he is the perfect example of how we all should live. and if you dont have any children then i suggest one.

I agree. Trial by fire is the best way to put it. Even though I've been through a lot of things I feel are immature and fear based ways of hadling an exceptional situation - I don't blame the people who have subjected me to so many bizzare treatments.

We are not all on the same page when it comes to certain matters - and I understand that. Most of my negative experiences stem from interaction with people who are so caught up in procedure that they forget they're dealing with another thinking, feeling, intelligent entity.

I am thankful that the majority of times these episodes occur there is at least one member of medical staff whom I can relate to - and who sees that I am not another throwaway. The majority of the doctors I have spoken with while I am in my right mind have been very impressed with how I am able to carry myself when not in a dissociated state.

As far as children - I'm afraid I can't have them. I've been pregnant twice and both ended up miscarrying. I would love to have a little one I could hang out with and color, trip to the park with and build cushion forts with in the living room - but I am still so much of a child myself I don't think I could handle the real experience.

My husband, bless his heart, had a schizophrenic grandmother - so he is able to handle my breaks without freaking out. We've also decided that, since we both carry the genes for this type of disability that it would be unwise to subject an innocent to what his grandmother and I have both been through.

Sadly - children are not an option at this time.

General Eyes... I am so touched and impressed with your story. I see so much of my own childhood in your story, although mine was not as intense.

I think it's admirable how you understand the responsibility of having children. So many people don't. I knew in my 20's that I would probably not have children. My depression and anxiety started in my teens and got progressively worse so I had a tubal ligation when I was about 32.

I want to share with you a website that I found today that publishes articles about the horrors of the pharmaceutical industry, the FDA, AMA and many others. I will be posting a lot of links to their articles here on ATS.

Read as much as you can at
www.newstarget.com...

It's a real eye-opener!! There's lots of information on medicinal foods and herbs. You may be able to counteract much of your problems that way.

I certainly hope that you find all of the information you're looking for.

Annestacey

Thanks again, Annestacy.

Sometimes the hardest part of all this is the isolation from others. The internet has really been a blessing during this time.

I've bookmarked the link you provided and will refer to it whenever my memory fails. (it does that more frequently than usual these days).

I've wondered sometimes if this is all in the process of aging - but some of the changes have been so intense and the experiences so surreal that I just needed an outlet for some of the things I've been through and a second and third opinion on them.

Thanks to everyone and their insights - it really does help.

And, if anyone would like additional stories related to my breaks and the bizzare encounters and running themes throughout them - please let me know. They've changed over the years in their subject matter and I'm just trying to develop an appropriate timeline to help with closure on those tumultous years of my life.

Also - if there are bonafide parallels between the Original Premise, I'd love to know. I can't shake the feeling there might be a connection somehow - benign in nature for the most part, but a connection.

Some of the treatment over the years is just borderline for me...

To quote your link and a section I found there...

"Now scientists are pinpointing the biochemical mechanism by which these drugs cause massive weight gain, an average of 22 pounds in the first year. That's enough to make anyone depressed -- which, of course, often leads to stronger, more dangerous drugs being prescribed. As a result, antipsychotic drugs actually create their own repeat revenue by keeping patients depressed and overweight."

This last sentence strikes to the heart of the matter...I was on Zyprexa for several years and the weight gain was so sudden - even though my eating habits had not changed - that I quit taking it entirely and asked for a different medication.

I just can't understand why a creative, bright and freespirited person would be considered "undesirable" by the pharmacutical industry and it's minons to the point that others like me would be hauled in and experimented on by pill pushers.

Is it because being so childlike that I have no defense mechanisms to this sort of treatment?

I'm so passive when these events hit that I must look like a willing canidate to persons with such persuasions. I can't object or defend myself.

So many questions....

[edit on 6-3-2007 by GENERAL EYES]

OH you MUST check out this article on that same site:

www.newstarget.com...

The information in this article blew my mind. It really shows what the pharma companies have been purposely doing to us... all for money.

Psychiatric Drugs: Chemical Warfare on Humans - interview with Robert Whitaker

What you find with every class of these psychiatric drugs is a worsening of the target symptom of depression or psychosis or anxiety over the long term, compared to placebo-treated patients. So even on the target symptoms, there's greater chronicity and greater severity of symptoms. And you see a fairly significant percentage of patients where new and more severe psychiatric symptoms are triggered by the drug itself.

SS: New psychiatric symptoms created by the very drugs people are told will help them recover?

RW: Absolutely. The most obvious case is with the antidepressants. A certain percentage of people placed on the SSRIs because they have some form of depression will suffer either a manic or psychotic attack -- drug-induced. This is well recognized. So now, instead of just dealing with depression, they're dealing with mania or psychotic symptoms. And once they have a drug-induced manic episode, what happens? They go to an emergency room, and at that point they're newly diagnosed. They're now said to be bipolar and they're given an antipsychotic to go along with the antidepressant; and, at that point, they're moving down the path to chronic disability.

Agreed - it can be very frightening if one digs a little deeper.

I've had depression symptoms - but I'm also on great terms with my psychatrist who flat out refuses to perscribe any additional medications.

Even though there are some real jerks out there in the system - there are a few gems of human beings as well.

It's just a shame the status quo is so radically slanted to the former.

That's excellent that your doctor is good for you. But please take the time to investigate the history of the medications that you are on. Your doctor may not even be aware of it.

I'm currently taking Abilify - and I haven't come across any adversive side effects aside from a little weight gain (nothing substantial), lack of motivation and depression.

But these things could be attributed to my environment - I'm no longer in a big city with lots to do...I'm in a tiny town with very little recreational outlet.

No serious breaks since I began taking them - and he's even decreased the dosage on me several times.

In a way - it's a godsend. I really only have to take them when I feel an episode coming on - 15 milligrams and I'm out cold for a day, but it's better than the alternative.

I just wish there was a way to work through this from a cognitive standpoint as opposed to a purely biochemical one. Like I mentioned before - I haven't found a psychotherapist yet who is willing to "go there" with me. Most prefer to beat around the bush with low level psychoanalysis.

I'm hoping to move back to Seattle where their mental health care is a little more open minded and up to date.

Originally posted by GENERAL EYES
I just wish there was a way to work through this from a cognitive standpoint as opposed to a purely biochemical one. Like I mentioned before - I haven't found a psychotherapist yet who is willing to "go there" with me. Most prefer to beat around the bush with low level psychoanalysis.

I'm hoping to move back to Seattle where their mental health care is a little more open minded and up to date.

Knowing now that these drugs can actually cause a permanent change in the brain, I wonder if they know that your condition is too advanced for anything but medication. Yeah I would want to find more open-minded health care providers as well. I hope you are able to do that.

I agree that comprehensive health care is one of the main factors.

I'm under what they call "high functioning" - which means I can understand the information the doctors give me and make educated decisions.

Still - there have been things that have happened that a simple diagnosis of "chemical imbalance" cannot account for.

When I was living in Seattle and had my breaks - I was treated with decency and respect as a human being. The doctors had a sense of humor about the whole matter and my follow up care was the best I've had to date.

My therapist informed me that, due to my adversions to Zyprexa and it's side effects, that I was under no contractual obligation to take any perscribed medications - as long as I kept my appointments with him on a weekly basis.

Those 30 minutes once a week were mindblowing - if there was anyone who could drop the right series of words, metaphors and keywords to get me out of my shell and start talking - it was this particular service provider.

I had a routine appointment on Halloween on day, and arrived to find him dressed as a Jedi (including homemade "lightsaber"). You just can't get a cooler therapist than that.

While I was up there and in therapy with this gentleman - I lost weight, was extremely motivated to get out of the house and experience life, my music was blossoming and I wrote constantly as part of therapy and personal interest.

It also seemed the community was more receptive to people with my condition - especially if there was an artistic bent behind everything.

Back here in the South - it's an entirely different matter. It took me over five trips to inpatient clinics before the locals realized I wasn't a "threat" or dangerous drug addict. Perhaps that's why it's been so quiet, but the fact of the matter is - in this area - women are to be seen and not heard, and a woman place is most definitely in the home or shopping. (Neither of which is my forte...)

When I brought up the MKULTRA thing - I suppose a lot of it had to do with delusions and impressions I've had about the differences in the status quo of different areas - the predominant mentalities of the region and the way the social system works - was I being conditioned out of my "Seattle Mindset" in order to better fit into the "small southern town".

I suppose adaptation isn't a bad thing - but seeing how I have two more years in this region, I have to find a balance to everything or else I'm going to fall into unhealthy cycles.

But thanks again for your input Annestacy - your link is proving to be more valuable every day. Thanks a million for sharing.

You're so very welcome! You seem to have your situation under control and that's great. I think that the more information we can arm ourselves with the better!!!