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(OPENPRESS) February 16, 2007 -- The Church of the SubGenius has awarded posthumous Sainthood to late performer and actress Anna Nicole Smith.
The Church acknowledged Miss Smith's fey, outrageous lifestyle and agreed that it meets its standards for Sainthood. Church founder J.R. "Bob" Dobbs laid down a set of rules for members of the Church to live their lives, and Miss Smith's life has met the following criteria:
1. She spent her life Slacking Off, and did not conform to the expectations of others.
2. She achieved fame and fortune not through hard work or intelligence, but basically through dumb holy luck.
3. As seen from her many photos and TV appearances, she ate the hell out of her fair share of cheeseburgers. This meets the definition of a SubGenius commandment: "Don't just eat that hamburger, eat the HELL out of it!"
4. She was martyred by the "Pinks" (a SubGenius term referring to "normal people"), after being crucified in the press.
5. Like Saint Mary Magdalene of the Catholic Church, her child is a "Son of Man". Unlike Mary, who claimed that no mortal was the father of her child, it seems as though every male (and perhaps a few female) mortals are claiming to be the father of her child. The Church uses this as the basis for its prediction that Miss Smith's child shall be a prophet of the SubGenius.
6. The Church of the SubGenius encourages wholesome sexuality, which Miss Smith exuded to excess (at least during her prime years).