My Favourite Joke EVER

This is my favourite joke ever. Now it may be that i am getting older and can only remember certain jokes, but this one, i love. So much that i periodically tell my children it. Even though they have heard it so many times, i still laugh :-)

Here goes

There was a duck. He went into a bar and asked the barman:

"Can i have some grapes?"

The barman looked at him, and said,

"we dont sell grapes"

Next night, the duck comes in again, goes up to the bar and asks the barman:

"got any grapes?"

The barman, somewhat bemused by this, says:

"no"

Every night for the next week, the duck comes in, and asks the barman the same question. At the end of the week, the barman is getting a little miffed at this. So the next night, the duck comes in and asks:

"Got any grapes?"

The barman replies:

"no, and if you come in here and ask me that one more time, i am going to nail your beak to the bar"

Next night, the duck comes in, walks up to the bar and asks the surprised barman:

"got any nails?"

The confused barman answers:

"no"

to which the duck replies:

"got any grapes?"

LOL....i love that joke. As bad as it is, I still love it

wanted to add, please let me know YOUR favourite joke....i need some new material :-)

[edit on 9-2-2007 by geek101]

My favorite joke is about profanity and I just can't put it here... so many jokes I know I couldn't put here. Hmmm.... Okay here's a clean one:

A guy gets thrown in a jail and ends up in a cell with many other guys. He's the new guy in the cell and so he just sits back quietly and listens.

All of the guys are sitting around looking at each other and one of them yells out, "24!"

Everyone laughs for a few minutes and then it gets quiet again.

Another guy yells, "73!" and again, everyone has a good laugh.

When it gets quiet again, someone says, "14!" and again everyone laughs.

The new guy in the cell is really puzzled and he finally decides to ask someone what is going on. An old timer in the cell explains it to him, "You see, we've been in here so long that we've told all the jokes we know. We don't have any new ones and we get tired of sitting all the way through the same old jokes time and time again. So we assigned numbers to all the jokes we knew. Now, instead of telling the whole joke, we just call out the number that belongs to that joke and everyone remembers the joke and has a good laugh."

"Oh, okay, I think I understand it now," says the new guy. "Let me try it," he says. He thinks for a moment and yells out, "81!" but no one laughs.

The old timer looks at him and says, "Well, some people can tell a joke and some people can't."

Lmao to the poster above me. It's so not funny it's funny.

My favorite joke is this one.

There were three very curious children. The first one was named Penny and she went to her mom and asked "Why was I named Penny?" And her mom said "Because when you were born, I dropped a penny on your head."
Satisfied, she walks away.
The second one was named Rose and she went to her mom and asked "Why was I named Rose?" And her mom said "Because when you were born, I dropped a rose on your head."
Satisfied, she walks away.
The third one was named Brick and he went to his mom and asked "APLSSAOBGBUSLbLEHUH!!"

How many different really good jokes start off with a duck enters a bar.


A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says to him, "Hey, we've got a drink named after you." The grasshopper looks at the bartender and says, "Why would anyone name a drink Bob?"



[edit on 16-2-2007 by Royal76]

Leper jokes:

What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip.

Did you hear about the leper hockey game? There was a face off in the corner.

Why did the leper get pulled over for speeding? He left his foot on the gas.

whats the difference between purple n pink?
the grip.

A hotdog walks into a bar. The bartender says, " Sorry, we don't serve food here"


A guy walks into a bar.

The next guy ducks.

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "where is the bar tender"

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman:
Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer:
Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman:
Oh, I see.

Officer:
Can I see your license please?

Older Woman:
I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer:
Don't have one?

Older Woman:
Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer:
I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman:
I can't do that.

Officer:
Why not?

Older Woman:
I stole this car.

Officer:
Stole it?

Older Woman:
Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer:
You what?

Older Woman:
His body parts are in plastic bags
in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly
backs away to his car and calls for back up.
Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car,
clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2:
Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman:
Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2:
One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car
and murdered the owner.

Older Woman:
Murdered the owner?

Officer 2:
Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk,
revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2:
Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman:
Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2:
One of my officers claims
that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out
a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2:
Thank you ma'am,
one of my officers told me you didn't have a license,
that you stole this car,
and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman:
Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

A priest, a lawyer and a cowboy walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke"?

A man walks upto a bartender and says "I'll bet you $500 that if you put a beer mug at the other end of the bar I can piss in it without missing a drop." The bartender agrees and sets up the mug. The man proceeds and completely misses the mug and gets it all over the bar and the bartender. Once the man is done the bartender asked him why would he make such a bet. The man responded by saying, "See that group in the corner, I just bet them $5000 that I'd piss all over the bar and you wouldn't do anything"

Originally posted by shizzle5150
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "where is the bar tender"

I've heard that before and meditated on that for a few hours. I give up. WHAT DOES IT MEAN!!!!?

lol, Where's the wood soft?

Three nuns die and go to heaven. St Peter greets them at the pearly gates saying, "Before you can enter the gates of heaven you must answer one question."

He asks the first nun, "Who was the first man on earth?"

She says, "That's easy, Adam"

The angels sing, trumpets blow, the gates open and she walks on in.

St Peter asks the second nun, "Who was the first woman on earth?"

She says, "That's easy, Eve."

The angels sing, trumpets blow, the gates open and she walks on in.

St Peter asks the third nun, "What's the first thing the first woman on earth said to the first man?"

The nun scratches her head, sits down, says in a disappointed voice, "Oh, that's a hard one."

The angels sing, trumpets blow, the gates open and she walks on in.


No offense intended sister.

[edit on 22-3-2007 by clearwater]

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round in the break room. Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30 am.

He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately. The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay.

She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed!

Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled and said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!

In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally she showed up.

This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up. Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth.

Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his "you-know-what" was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed and if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late."