Funny visual descriptions

Some of these could push the boundaries of the TOS, I'll try to be careful.

Since I was a little kid my dad always used these visual descriptions when he talked. I grew up with them and considered it normal, and kinda funny.
Here are a few:

"Colder than a well-diggers ass"
"Slicker than snot on a doorknob"
"Shakin' like a dog sh***ing screws"
"Colder than a witches left t*t"
"Happier than a sissy in a CC camp"

There are more, just can't remember them all. LOL

Can you think of others?
Do you know anyone that uses these in normal conversation?
If you think my dad is weird, you should see him dance. LMAO

These are a bunch that I collected from some friends, especially my 2 dego buddies, we're basically the class clowns so we've heard em all. ENJOY!

As confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar.

He's as bent as a butchers hook

He's as happy as a Pig in $hit

About as welcome as a fart in a telephone box

She's got more wrinkles than an Elephants balls

As tight as a Camels arse in a Sand-storm

She ran off quicker than sh*t off a shovel

As useful as a one armed trapeze artist with an itchy arse

I would have been your daddy, but the dog beat me over the fence.

Ha Ha,,,
There's a couple more I've never heard.

I got one:

I'm peeing like a race horse,
obviously peeing is replaced with the derogatory word...

i've herad: P^ss like a pregnant woman.

"It's raining like a cow pissin' on a flat rock"

One of my family gems..LOL

Ugly as a bulls ass sewed up with a loggin chain.

Worthless as tits on a bull frog

Dryer than a popcorn fart

Harder than Japanese Arithmatic
Harder than a $2.00 jaw breaker

Ugly as a sack full of [be creative here]

OMG!! LSHCCOMNAIWEDA
(Laughing So Hard Coke Came Out My Nose And I Wasn't Even Drinking Any)

Great ones, most of them I've never heard before.
I wonder if we could get enough together to write a book? LOL

dumber than a box of rocks

a few bricks shy of a hod

[ he is, they are ] slower than molasses in January


For the mason tender who would stand around and do nothing,
"You might want to move a little, the buzzards are starting to circle."

angrier than a pitbull with a frog on his @ss in a tornado in the middle of Joolie

Awesome! I love these (even though I can never remember them)...

"He's so old he's got one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel!"

" 'Close' only counts in horse-shoes and hand-grenades."

"He was beat like a red-headed stepchild." or "He was beat like a rented mule."

BTW: Is there a word used to describe these phrases?

[edit on 13-2-2007 by mecheng]

"Busier than a one legged man in an a$$ kicking competition"

"Colder than a witches tit (in a brass bra)"

"Stupid as a football bat"

"......could suck a golfball through a garden hose (or) the chrome off a bumper."

Or, how about....
She could suck-start a Harley.

BTW: Is there a word used to describe these phrases?

I dunno,,, anybody else know?