Challenge - Make me laugh

I hope this one's not already posted.




An older father from the south took his 12 year old daughter to the Dr.'s office for an appointment.

The Doctor walked in and asked the father what they were there for, and he simply replied, "Doc, I'd like to get my daughter here on some of them there birth control pills."

The Doctor asked, "How old is your daughter, Sir?"

The man replied, "12."

The Doctor, in disbelief then asked, "Your 12 year old daughter is sexually active!?"

The man then replies in disgust, "Nah... she just lays there like her momma."

Here's another one.....


Sex in the dark...

There was this couple that had been married for 20
years. Every time they made love the husband always
insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured
she would break him out of this crazy h abit. So one night, while
they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session,
she turned on the lights. She looked down. and saw her husband
was holding a battery-operated leisure device...a vibrator! Soft,
wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent
bastard," she screamed at
him. "How could you be lying to me
all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and
says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . you explain the kids."

Here is a joke.

A Englishman, a Scotsman and a American are all sitting in a pub down in Leith. They are having a competition to see who is the most virile out of them.
The American goes first, and says "I have four sons. One more, and I will have enough for a basketball team."

The Englishman nods his approval but says "Really? I have ten sons and one more and I'll have a football (soccer) team!"

The Scotsman laughs a little, and says casually "Really? I have 17 wives. One more, and I'll have a golf course!"

Hi guys, apologies for not keeping up to date with this thread - work impacting things as always.

Infoholic and Beer Guy - great jokes. I'm torn between the lawyers joke and the birth control joke (I know finding that joke funny makes me a bad person, but there you go!).

Thanks to everyone for your contributions - I appreciate it.

A dolphin keeper at a zoo was getting worried about his charges - they were listless, disinterested in balls and jumping through hoops and a bit off their fish, so the keeper set out to find out what the matter was.

Through a process of elimination, he found that his dolphins were a bit on the kinky side, and only got turned on by young seabirds, so he decided to do something about it, by pampering their perverted needs.

One night, as he was making his way to the dolphinarium under cover of darkness, he found that a lion had got out, and was sleeping on the path.
Taking care not to wake the lion, he carefully stepped over it, to get the bird to the dolphins for their recreation.

As he did this, the path lit up, sirens were flashing and police ran up and cuffed him.

The charge?

Crossing a sedate lion with an underage gull for immoral porpoises.

i am not a good joke person so i shall tell the a story....

once me and a friedn of mine were very board, and since wee both have moderate to severe ADHD we acted drasticly i hopped on his minni bike and he was on a regular bike and we rode down to the duck pond. we started to chase the various birds there and knoticed that one duck didnt fly away, so we stole it, yes we stole a duck from a duck pond. i rode back to his house with a duck under my arm and we filmed to and tried to make it quak. it wouldnt quak so we fed it peenutbutter and brought it back. DO NOT QUESTION THE ADHD!!!!! lol i foud uut a few years later that he did it again you can se his various types of crazyness on youtube aouther kylemonkey the kid is crazy. i have the same adhd he has but i am on sereous meds, 4 types of anphetamines. i like this puke guy so i will put him on there.

Why do rednecks prefer doggy-style?

So they can both watch NASCAR.

Originally posted by budski

Crossing a sedate lion with an underage gull for immoral porpoises.

Flipper always said:
"one good tern deserves another"

reply to post by spacedoubt




Nice one

Glad you liked the joke.

Some people might find this offensive, but here goes:

Jesus and Moses decided to play golf one day at the nearest golf course. Moses tees off and lands on the fairway 200 yards away from the green. Jesus compliments him on his shot and steps up for his swing. He swings and made a mistake and missed the fairway completely and lands in the closest forest, then along came a squirrel and picked it up ran up a tree and accidentally dropped it from up a tree... then a bird caught the ball in mid-air and accidentally dropped it in the lake next to the green. Just as Moses wanted to comment on his shot an alligator surfaces opens its mouth and snaps it shut and flings the ball onto the green and a strong gust of wind blew it straight into the hole...
Moses started to get angry and a passer-by came up and decided to make a comment on this weird event and said: "who the hell does guy think he is? Jesus Christ?"
And Moses replied :"No, he thinks he's Gary Player"

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. on my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand.
With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: 'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through
the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know what happens to a lawyer when he takes Viagra?
He gets taller.

Late one night a burglar breaks into a house he thinks is empty. He tiptoes through the living room but freezes when he hears a loud voice say "Jesus is watching you!"
After a minute of silence he continues to creep forward. "Jesus is watching you!" the voice booms again.
The burglar stops dead. In a dark corner he spots a parrot in a cage.
"Did you just say Jesus is watching me ?" he asks the parrot. "Yes" the parrot replies.
The burglar breathes a sigh of relief then asks "Is your name Jesus?"
"No, it's Clarence," the bird replies.
"Well that's a dumb name for a parrot," sneers the burglar, "what idiot named you Clarence ?"
"The same idiot who named the pitbull Jesus".

some one liners

1.why does your gyneacologist leave the room when you take your clothes off?

2.if a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the centre of the earth?

3.why can't women put mascara on without opening there mouths?

4.why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say my name is bob?

5.if you mated a bulldog with a #zu would you get a bull#?

6.why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7.why is there a light in fidge but not in the freezer?

8.why does mineral water that has trickled through montains for centuries have a best before date?

9.who was the first person to look at a cow and say " i think i'll squeeze those dangly things and drink what comes out"

10.if quizzes are quizzical what are tests?

11.if vegatable oil is made from vegatables what is baby oil made from?

12.if a man is walking in the jungle and no woman is there to hear him is he still wrong?

13.why is it that when someone tells you that there are a billion stars in the sky you believe them. but if they tell you theres wet paint somewhere you have to touch it ?

You want funny?

www.youtube.com...

If not that, heres one for you.

There are tryouts for the FBI being held and the trainees must face several greuling tasks. Two men and one woman, they pass these test in flying colors.

Than comes the final test. They are each given a pistol and told that a person sitting inside a room is their countries greatest threat. They are told to shoot the person inside. The first man goes inside and comes out crying several minutes later. He says "its my wife I can't shoot her!" The second man goes in and comes out in a similar condition. "that was MY wife! I can't possibly shoot her!"

The woman goes in and after a few seconds a shot rings out. Than there are a series of thuds.

The woman comes out and the FBI trainers ask her "what happened??"

the woman calmly replies "that was my husband. and some idiot loaded the gun with blanks so I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Cause I still can't tell a joke...

Alcohol Warnings by Oska

Enjoy I thought it was hilarious!