Abusive BF

HI im a 23 year old domestic engineer and i have a problem. I need to know if my BF is really in love with me, theres just one problem, every time i try and bring the subject up to him and marriage, he yells and kicks stuff around our apartment them he hits me with a phonebook and says if i try and tell then noone will believe me. Im tired of it and I want it to stop, but i also love him and need to know if we can make it work. The cops were called on him a week ago by our next door neighbor because he was chasing me around with a soodle spoon and a pot yelling that it was my fault he couldn't get what he needed. I just dont know what he means, but i love him and i will never let him get away from me. Any advice?

I only have one piece of advice. Leave.

The only way it will work is if you actually enjoy being treated like this.

I'm sorry to say that, because I know it's not what you want to hear, but it's the truth.

Advice? In all honesty, clear the history on your browser. If he throws tantrums with the topic of marriage, I think he might flip his lid if he sees a thread discussing his abusive tendencies.

Any man that is willing to hit a woman, or use threads of physical abuse, is hardly a man.

I'm with Duzey. Get out of there and do not look back. If it is like this today, what is it going to be like in five, ten, twenty years?

chissler brings up a very good point.

My ex always went through the cache after I had been on the net, and if he saw something he didn't like - boy did I hear about it. For days......

If I did clear the cache before I turned off the PC, I obviously had something to hide.

Remember - marriage is supposed to be forever, and forever is a hell of a long time.

I have to agree with Duzey and chissler whether you love him or not he wont change and unless you leave him the next time he takes his anger out on you it could be with the kitchen knife and not just a phone book or pot.

It takes a special type of person to be able to inflict harm onto a woman. Sometimes they are a victim of their own environment. Abuse begets abuse. However the biggest problem with this issue is the idea that they can change. They can not change. It is possible to try to control themselves and maybe vent their frustrations in a different way, but the possibility is always there.

I too am in my early twenties and I live with my girlfriend. We have our arguments, as anyone does. But the thought of us ever becoming violent with one another is absurd. It just would never happen. Worst case scenario amongst us is one of us goes in the other room and sits by themself.

The only way progress can be made here is if he truly wants to.

Good men are thought to be a dying breed. But they are not, they do exist, you just need to keep your eyes opened. You normally find the good guy when you least expect it.

My heart goes out to you for having to live in a relationship where you are threatened in this manner. Nobody deserves that, and nobody has the right to raise a hand to you.

I wish you the best, and please protect yourself. Take any strides you need to insure your personal safety.

Time to get out now before the phonebook turns into fists then worse. Research your feelings for him. You say you love him, but thats not the case in reality. Realize what is going on and what he's doing to you then think! It will NEVER change the way he treats you, it will onlt get worse. Listen to other people about this and not yourself cause you'll make the wrong decison. Seriously.

I'll be blunt cuz that's more my style. Sorry if I offend in anyway, but this is a serious matter.

You are clearly 1) in love with a guy that has changed. The man you love doesn't exist. He's not hiding just below the surface waiting for rescue. You cannot help him. You're not needed to help him. He doesn't want your help.

2) you are claiming to be in love - yet he harms you, threatens you, belittles you, frightens you...sorry Hun, but there's only Power and fear here. he has power/and want of more and you have fear - which will only increase. This isn't love nor will it ever be. Pipe dream. You feel guilty for considering letting him go??? This is codependant and in all honesty and with absolutely no harm intended to you...you're just as ill as he is.

Whatever he's going through is not about you. Plain and simple if he loved you will all of his heart he'd not do ANYTHING to harm you. Not hit you, chase you, scream at you...

many women stay till the bitter end which sadly ends with several broken bones and an extended stay in the hospital, with such lovely visitors as the police, social services (child protective services too if there are kids in the house) and a variety of mental health people...

That's if you're one of the fortunate who doesn't meet the bitter end in a pine box.

I'd bet he's told you things to put you down. Embarrassed you in public, made a joke of you and your feelings in front of close friends. Snoops through your stuff, comments on nearly everything you wear or say or do as if it is his right to do so.

Anyway, you've stated that you won;t let him get away. So I conclude that you are also to blame. You feed his need for power and control and he feeds your need to be wanted.

Time to get tough with yourself. Only you can make it stop by leaving. it sounds simple because once you take the so called "love" out of it...it is simple.

Love is many things...but none of what you described in his actions or yours tells me you are in love with each other.

Tell me to go to heck. I don;t mean to hurt your feelings. I'm sympathetic and empathetic to a point...

Don't kid yourself that you are his saving grace. Don't kid yourself that he's so wonderful and worth getting abused for.

The longer you stay the more control he will have. The more he has the more he'll want and then when you are so weak that your very face disgusts him...he'll become even more abusive.

It's funny with this rare type of guy...they want you weak but that disgusts them...makes them lash out even more...most women feel they have to stay because they begin to believe they get what they deserve and no more or less.

YOU have a problem within yourself...same as he does. Address it and leave and get into some counselling to make sure you don;t repeat the pattern. he's a big boy and can manage just fine without you. if he couldn't he'd sure as hell treat you better wouldn't he?

make yourself a priority or make yourself a statistic. Your choice. Do it soon.

With respect (for bringing it out and talking about it)

JG

Originally posted by Section03
.. but i love him and i will never let him get away from me.

no you do not love him. You can't love him unless you love yourself. If you loved yourself, you would not tolerate it.

You've already tolerated it. He knows from experience he can do it over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

Why does he know this?

Because you'll never let him get away from you.

And, NO! You don't love him. Without loving yourself, you don't know what love really is.

And unless you leave him, he will never find the motivation to change into something other than a man who needs the sense of control so badly he beats the one who thinks she loves him.

please make a choice.

You have a choice to make.

Love.............

1 Corinthians 13
Love

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

There is no excuse for his behavior its wrong simple as that.

It would be beneficial for you both if he was to talk about what his fears are.

Does he work? if not,could it be he feels or you unknowingly make him feel inadequate as a man? made the worse he now feels the guilt of mistreating you.

I`m asking to find a possible trigger because the little you posted doesn`t explain the cause only outlines the abuse from him and the consequences.

Its hard to give advice or help to you when your problem lies with him and each other so.......

If you fear for your safety you should leave,if so Do Not make the situation worse by getting in his face,be calm if you have to leave while he`s there be sincere,do not gloat,be revengeful etc,if you love him i don`t doubt he will address the issues he needs to,only then will you be able to see a brighter future together.

Hoping the best for you.

It will be hard for you at first, but you definitely need to get out of that relationship, there are many people out there that will be much better for you. I know, because my current girlfriend of 2 and 1/2 years was in the same predicament, the guy she was "with" wasn't physically abusing her, but he was emotionally abusing her. Telling her that he loved her and always leading her on, he even cheated on her a few times, but she felt like she was in love.

They were with each other off and on for four years, and when her and i first got together it was tough. We didn't plan on it happening, it just did. She's over him, and she realized that she was totally oblivious to the truth, she felt stupid at first, but it's not stupidity, when you feel like you are in love, you become blind at times, because you love that person.

He definitely doesn't sound like marriage material, and he is very lucky that you are not a friend of mine. Any "man" that is willing to hit a woman isn't worth anybody's time in my opinion.

That's just what i have to say, but as always you have to make your own decision, either way, i wish you the best of luck.

Peace and love,

Pancho

You all have very good advice, it all will be taken under advisment.
I never said i was female and i can break him as easily as he can break me.

Originally posted by Section03
You all have very good advice, it all will be taken under advisment.
I never said i was female and i can break him as easily as he can break me.

When you say you "can break him", what exactly are you referring too?
A part of him may still love you, but to be honest it doesn't sound like he's showing it. You should stand your ground and tell your partner what you want and ask what he wants out of the relationship. If your partners goals in this relationship are not the same as yours, or he is not capable of changing his ways ways for your sake imediately (your partner sounds like a very destructive individual) then you shouldn't force your partner to change but rather just accept that you two were not meant to be and just move on with your life.
Even considering marriage with such an individual is silly- marriage should not be a test to see if someone loves you or not, nor is it something you do to make a relationship stronger or more stable or loving, because marriage simply doesn't work that way.

What makes you want to stay your partner other than love? Do you fear being alone or fear feeling guilty for leaving him or something like that? Question your reasons for staying with him. I don't think you will find any happiness in this relationship in the long term from what i have read so far, you will most likely be better off separating and concentrating on your own life .


[edit on 8-1-2007 by Tokis Phoenix]

Get a paying job, domestic engineers are woefully underpaid.

What's a soodle spoon?

As opposed to people who want to see relationships split because they're jealous little brainwashed twits, I for one think you should stay with the guy. Well, let's see why he would smack you around. Probably feels like he doesn't need to explain himself to you, since you wouldn't understand. Simple reason, he probably tried before and it didn't work, unfortunately he doesn't take the time to properly communicate with fellow human beings, and he resolves to primitive bashing. Ah well, here's what, be nice and try to start some smart discussions with him, but chances are you'll mess up and get another book thrown towards your direction... What kinda a guy is he? I'd like to know more so I could find a way for him to stop smacking you around like that. Oh, and wow, if he ever finds out you've been writing about this on forums, prepare for some serious smacking.

[edit on 8-1-2007 by Radekus]

Originally posted by Section03
HI im a 23 year old domestic engineer and i have a problem. I need to know if my BF is really in love with me, theres just one problem, every time i try and bring the subject up to him and marriage, he yells and kicks stuff around our apartment them he hits me with a phonebook and says if i try and tell then noone will believe me. Im tired of it and I want it to stop, but i also love him and need to know if we can make it work. The cops were called on him a week ago by our next door neighbor because he was chasing me around with a soodle spoon and a pot yelling that it was my fault he couldn't get what he needed. I just dont know what he means, but i love him and i will never let him get away from me. Any advice?

Get out and get out now! No-one deserves to be treated like this. You say you love him but I think you may be dependent on him.
This is a destructive relationship and it is going to destroy you. You are only 23..You should be out having fun, not being abused by this person.

1. Like others said, get out now. Things are not going to get better. Unless he gets some professional help, he is just going to get angrier and more violent. The professional help I speak of is only going to be effective if he seeks it on his own terms. It will be completely useless if you bring him to it.

2. This is just a comment to young women in general, and may not apply to you. Women are often turned off by guys that are "boring" "dorky" "square," etc. While guys that fit this label are not exciting, they tend not to be criminals, have good jobs, do not have alcohol or drug problems, and will not hit you. When a woman goes after the "bad boy" things like this, more often than not result. You should do some definite soul searching before you even think of entering another relationship, as you might be rehashing a cycle of abusive relationships.

If you ask me, the moment a lover starts attacking you should be a clue to just break up with him. Abusive is just a big no, no matter what the reason. Not to mention he sounds very immature.

Thats just my two cents.

confront his dumb ass while in the company of a friend or relative in your home, and if he hits you call the cops.

That is not love. Love isn't a one-sided affair. You cannot truly love someone and give them your respect and honor, unless they do the same for you. Lose that guy quickly, you should never, NEVER, EVER settle for a man, especially an abusive one.

[edit on 1-8-2007 by worldwatcher]

Originally posted by Section03
HI im a 23 year old domestic engineer and i have a problem. I need to know if my BF is really in love with me, theres just one problem, every time i try and bring the subject up to him and marriage, he yells and kicks stuff around our apartment them he hits me with a phonebook and says if i try and tell then noone will believe me. Im tired of it and I want it to stop, but i also love him and need to know if we can make it work. The cops were called on him a week ago by our next door neighbor because he was chasing me around with a soodle spoon and a pot yelling that it was my fault he couldn't get what he needed. I just dont know what he means, but i love him and i will never let him get away from me. Any advice?

so your boyfriend chases you around with a spoon, yells and kick at you, throws phone books at you (THATS ASSAULT YOU KNOW), trashed your appartment, and you love him?? have you been drinking?

i think you might need to see a phsyciatrist before you do anything if you love it when your boyfriend throws phone books at you.

[edit on 8-1-2007 by conspiracymaster]