Forget about men. It's raining cats and dogs in the NCAA tournament, as college basketball fans everywhere sing "Hallelujah"...
While the Catamounts, Bearcats and Pacific Tigers were scratched in the second round, the Wildcats - Arizona, Villanova, and Kentucky - clawed their
way into the Sweet 16 along with the Wisconsin-Milwaukee Panthers. As for the dogs, they had their day in the first round, with the Bulldogs (Gonzaga
and Mississippi State), Huskies (Washington and Connecticut) and Southern Illinois Salukis advancing to weekend play. But after a brutal round of 32,
the canines of Washington are the last man's best friends standing in the tourney...
And it wasn't a good weekend for outerwear, as the Yellow Jackets and Blazers go back in the closet until next winter after second-round losses to
Louisville and Arizona, respectively...
Red Sox centerfielder Johnny Damon was recently treated with antibiotics after a sudden case of cellulitis. To be clear, that's a medical condition,
not a telecommunications malfunction. But I think that's only common sense...
Innocent until proven guilty? Not any more. Mark McGwire hasn't been proven guilty of steroid abuse, but he no longer benefits from the presumption of
innocence. At least not in the court of public opinion, where legal loopholes and tight lips are frowned upon, and where the rule of reason still
rules. It seems silence isn't always golden after all. And in McGwire's case, it's more like a cowardly shade of yellow...
Contrary to what McGwire said in his opening statement at the Congressional hearings, an admission of guilt wouldn't have resulted in endless
government investigation and public ridicule. Didn't he learn anything from the whole Pete Rose saga? You know, sports icon lies about lying only to
realize about twelve years too late that everything would have been fine if he had just admitted it in the first place. Then, when he finally admits
that he was lying all along, nobody even cares. Because he was twelve years too late, and everyone already knew. You see, Mark, the American Way is
all about second chances. You're allowed to cheat and lie about it, just as along as you own up to it when it counts. But there's a point of no
return. And there's an expiration date on your second chance that's rapidly drawing near. And if you let it pass, it'll be gone forever, along with
your legacy of greatness and - more importantly - your free pass to the Hall...
McGwire won't classify steroid abuse as cheating, but he's committed to educating America's youth about its dangers. Makes sense to me. And because
he never used steroids, he knows all about how dangerous they are. And just to prove it, he's going to devote his entire charity to spreading the
word. Pardon the parallel, but Big Mac's about as innocent as OJ. And now that his reputation has been permanently tarnished on account of his
silence, he really is the face of an anti-steroid campaign. After all, what kid in his right mind would want to grow up and be like Mark McGwire?
It's a good thing former Viagra spokesman Rafael Palmeiro denied ever using steroids, not performance-enhancing drugs...
During his five, glorious years as President of the United States, George Bush has done one thing really well: Misappropriate the resources of America
through the specific use of fear-inducing McCarthyist propaganda to justify attacks on impotent opposition in the interest of a warped, new age sense
of international Patriotism. He did it in Afghanistan. He even called it a war, even though nobody was really fighting back. If that wasn't enough, he
did it in Iraq, with a brutally similar result: Little resistance and total domination. And now, more than a year after warning the nation in his
State of the Union address, Mr. Bush has sent in his Congressional troops to initiate war on the defenseless players of Major League Baseball, who are
armed only with bats, bruised egos, and withering bodies. They are guilty of possessing Steroids of Mass Destruction (SMDs), says the President, and
they will be smoked out in due time via a Bush-wacking, neo-American brand of justice that is as uncompromising as it is deadly. So watch out,
baseball. Nobody is safe. A civil war is being waged on the unblemished soil of your diamonds. And the witch hunt has only just begun. Which reminds
me, Dean Christopher...