Karl Malone finally mailed it in last Sunday after a brilliant 19-year career...
Unfortunately, it seems the "Mailman" - who's best known for his "low postal" service - won't be eligible for retirement benefits. According to the
USPS, employees under the age of 60 must deliver the mail for at least 20 years to qualify, and Malone, 41, fails both requirements...
The NHL season might be on ice, but union chief Bob Goodenow is on the hot seat. The players are starting to realize that they won't be playing hockey
in North America - never mind getting paid for it - until October at the earliest, and they don't like it. Well neither does Goodenow, who's
resorting to childlike tactics to prove this is all the league's fault. "Gary [Bettman] owes everyone an apology," he said. "Because he started it."
Goodenow allegedly went on to call the NHL commissioner a "poopy pants" before challenging him to a fight during third period recess...
He has a big body, a big frame and a big head. Indeed, Jose Canseco is anything but subtle, and the name of his controversial new book - "Juiced:
Wild Times, Rampant 'Roids, Smash Hits, and How Baseball Got Big" - is only fitting. Come to think of it, it's probably the most appropriately blunt
title since Al Franken unleashed "Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot" back in '99...
According to Mike Greenwell, who finished second to Canseco in the 1988 AL MVP race, the award is rightfully his. "Where's my MVP?" whined Greenwell.
"If they're going to start putting asterisks by things, let's put one by the MVP. I do have a problem losing it to an admitted steroid user." Talk
about a credibility issue. This is coming from the same slightly above average Major Leaguer who likened himself to Don Mattingly and Darryl
Strawberry during a 1989 contract negotiation. Problem is, Mike, you can't criminalize a non-criminal act in retrospect. It's called "ex post facto,"
and it just so happens to be fundamental to the Democratic Way. Kind of important stuff. As for the use of asterisks, that's nothing new at all.
Except they're generally reserved for people who cheat, and, technically, Jose didn't cheat. So sure, Greenie, you can have your MVP. And while we're
at it, why don't we give your Sox the '88 pennant and replay the World Series? I'm sure the Dodgers wouldn't mind. After all, Canseco and the A's
cheated their way to the top...
Amare Stoudemire bouncing the ball off Steve Nash's head in this past weekend's slam dunk contest should go down as the second-most famous moment in
the history of non-tragic sports-related ball-to-head collisions. The most famous? The infamous Canseco "dinger"...
Still, the dunk competition has long since lost its luster. But it's not for a lack of big names as is commonly believed - it's for a lack of dunks.
The players are putting too much weight on ingenuity and not enough on fundamentals. And by "fundamentals" I mean making the damn dunks. I don't care
if you bounce the ball off the backboard or the rafters, just make sure to put it home. Remember Dominque and Jordan? Yeah, they were good. And they
made sure to put it home. They brought it hard and they brought it smooth, like real men do, but without the gimmicks. Didn't need 'em. Because the
key to their dunks was brilliantly simple: The innate ability to fly...
After being released by Buffalo this past week, Drew Bledsoe is well on his way to becoming just another journeyman quarterback in the NFL. And sadly,
the former future of the Patriots and Bills is experiencing delusions of grandeur. "I don't know where I'm going to land, but I'm going to land
someplace," he ambiguously affirmed. "And you'll see me on the field next year playing for somebody." But it gets worse. Bledsoe also appears to be
suffering from some form of amnesia. "[I'm] going forward with my career with that same intention in kind of winning a world championship," added the
pocket-dwelling dinosaur. "That's the one and only goal I have. To win a world championship." Lest you forget, Drew already has a ring - as a backup
with the 2001 Patriots. Oh well...
Just as Finkel is Einhorn and Einhorn is Finkel, Bledsoe is Testaverde and Testarverde is Bledsoe. No joke, it's the same guy: Strong-armed but
weak-brained former number one overall draft choice is reluctantly endorsed but eventually benched by Bill Belichick only to find new life in the AFC
East before being dumped in favor of a second-year quarterback of the future - it goes on and on. Beyond the story though, the numbers speak volumes
about the "relationship" between Drew and Vinny. Drew has a 76.7 career passer rating, Vinny 75.4. Drew has a career completion percentage of 57.0,
Vinny 56.6. Drew has a career yards per attempt average of 6.6, Vinny 6.9. Drew is 4-3 in the playoffs, Vinny 3-3. And if you're still not sold, get
this: Future Cowboy Drew stands 6-foot-5 and weighs 238 pounds. Current Cowboy Vinny? 6-5, 233...
JP Losman, Bledsoe's replacement, is proud to be the second AFC East quarterback with an initialized first name. Dolphins quarterback AJ Feely,
however, is none too pleased with the development. "Losman stole my move," he reportedly said. "I don't see why he can't just go by 'Jonathan Paul.'
That's his real name, you know. I never had a real name. I've been stuck with these two freakin' initials my whole life. Well now he's gonna pay for
it on the field - twice a year." Drew Bledsoe, on the other hand, looks forward to joining Drew Henson in Dallas now that Drew Brees has been
franchised in San Diego. I'm Dean Christopher...