It should not surprise any regular reader here that I did not watch the Orange Bowl halftime show. I find those kinds of staged extravaganzas about as
exciting as the mental image of Camryn Manheim in a thong. (Shudder!)
However, I have been treated to about a thousand replays of a portion of Ashlee Simpson's attempt at entertainment; therefore, I would like pose this
question. How much did she have to pay the orchestrators of that event to allow her to shriek and grunt her way into America's living rooms? Let me
say this very explicitly; if she and William Hung ever produce an offspring, I hope that the child is born without a larynx. Recently, ananova.com
reported that Ashlee Simpson claims to be able to "belch the alphabet". I do not doubt that and I do not wish to hear her prove her assertion. At the
same time, I might suggest that belching the alphabet would be no less entertaining than what she did during the Orange Bowl.
In the Washington DC area, there are a boatload of Redskins' fans who are going through the "woulda/shoulda/coulda" phase of the year after their team
missed the playoffs. Here's an example; if the Redskins offense had scored 21 points in all its games, the team would have been a mortal lock for the
playoffs in early December... Whatever. The Dallas Cowboys finished with the same 6-10 record as the Redskins, but fans in Dallas will have to find
another dimension for their "woulda/shoulda/coulda" mental wanderings. The reason is that the Cowboys lost seven games by 14 points or more.
As the 49ers look for a new coach and GM, there is the usual swirl of stories and rumors about who was contacted and who is on the long list and who
is on the short list and whatever. If you'd like a perspective on the "ownership burden" in SF, you must go and read a column by Scott Ostler in the
San Francisco Chronicle yesterday.
I'll give you a couple of samples to whet your appetite:
"Because Dr. John York says he'll be soliciting advice on the hiring of a 49ers coach, I would be a selfish slob to withhold mine. Doc, you indicated
Wednesday that USC coaching genius Pete Carroll is high on your list of 49ers coaching candidates. When you call Carroll, do it from a public pay
phone, in case he has Caller ID."
" 'I don't have any doubt whatsoever that a top-notch coach will come to the 49ers,' York said. The last guy in sports who had that kind of crazy
faith lured a team of dead baseball stars to an Iowa cornfield."
Auburn coach, Tommy Tuberville, said he wanted someone to name his team the national champions even if it was Golf Digest. Well, he got his wish. The
local newspaper in Eufala, Alabama polled its sports staff and Auburn won that poll convincingly. I presume we need hear no more about this matter
I've complained about the length of the regular season in the NBA and the NHL - when they are actually, you know, playing. And I stand by those
comments even though there are two more things I now want to put into the "Please Give It A Rest Pantheon".
1. The PGA Tour began yesterday in Hawaii. Did it ever end last year?
2. FOX has been hyping the Daytona 500 as the start of the NASCAR season for a month now. What do we need to catch a break here? Maybe if OSHA
declared the pit area as an unsafe work environment due to fumes of whatever it might force these people to give it a rest for a few months.
Every once in a while, you run across a situation where the statistics really do tell the story. The Chicago Bears' record this year was less than
spectacular and people pointed to their anemic offense and the fact that they had to use 4 different starting QBs during the season. Well the offense
was indeed the difficulty in Chicago and here is the statistical story. The Bears' offensive unit:
Ranked last in points and yards gained and yards passing and pass completion percentage.
Had the fewest first downs and the lowest third-down conversion percentage and the least efficient red-zone production.
Produced 19 TDs on offense in 16 games.
Finally, FOX has been hyping their new reality show, Who's Your Daddy? for what seems to be an eternity. Here's my idea for a sequel - since these
ridiculous reality show premises seem never to dry up and blow away. Do a reality show with a whole bunch of kids and Shawn Kemp with the title Who
Isn't Your Kid?
But don't get me wrong, I love sports...
Copyright The Sports Curmudgeon
[Edited on 1/13/05 by SportzWriter]