Religious Jokes

A very religious guy called John finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into church and begins to pray...........

"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it.

John goes back to church.....................

"God, please let me win the lottery. I've lost my business, my house and now I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lottery night comes and John still has no luck!!

Back to church..................

"God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car, and now my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order???"

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and John is confronted by the voice of GOD himself.

"JOHN, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A #ING TICKET."

hehehehe, good one.

A man who is about to die, hallucinates and sees himself sitting next to god.

He says "Father, may I ask you a few questions"?

"Of course", God smiles and replies.

The man thinks for a moment and asks, "Father, how long is a million years to you?"

"A million years is like a second!", God booms.

"Well, how much is a million dollars to you?"

"A million dollars is like a penny to me!", God roars.

The man hesitates for a moment and asks, "Well, if a million dollars is like a penny, um, can I have a penny?"

God smiles and replies, "Of course."

The man is estatic, thinking of the riches he can now bear. "Father, how can I ever..."

"In a second"

[Edited on 11-19-03 by Saucerat]

Two doctors (one a child's doctor, one a shrink) and an HMO honcho all arrive at the pearly gates of Heaven...

The Saint looks as the child doctor steps up...
"I've saved numerous childrens' lives" he says...
"Okay, you may pass" replies the saint.

Saint Peter looks as the shrink steps up...
"I've saved numerous families and lives from being wrecked..." he says....
"Okay, you may pass" replies the saint.

"How about you?" Saint Peter asks the HMO Honch...
"Well, I've provided many with affordable health care..." he replies.
"Okay, you may pass....but only for 3 days, then you're going straight to Hell!"

...Jack passes away after a long life...he's lived life well and good and finds himself in Heaven.

On entry to Heaven he notices an Angel on a small hovering cloud signwritten with ' Heavens Guided Tours', so thinking he may need to familiarize himself with the place promptly leaps onboard the cloud and off they whisk a hundred metres above Heaven.

"Its beautiful isn't it?" says the Angel
"Indeed it is...even more beautiful than I had imagined" replied Jack.

The Angel continues to show him around all the many wonderous sights, and points out all the little communities of Heavens occupants... "See over there, those are the Jewish people...and over there are the Mormons....coming up on our left are the Hindus and just next to them the Anglicans"

"Wow" says Jack "People of all faiths are here...all living in peace...but who are that lot behind that tall wall in the distance??"

"Oh...those are the Catholics...they like to believe they are the only people up here"

[Edited on 22-11-2003 by Sapphire]