posted on Nov, 17 2006 @ 08:46 AM
This would probably find a better home in the rant section. Mods feel free to move it if deemed necessary.
Several years ago, I had a close female acquaintance.
She confided in me that she was (very) interested in one of my closest
friends. This was painful for me, because I was interested in her.
As a man of strong morality, I did nothing, out of the respect for those two.
After a few months, it was no longer a secret that she liked him.
She was hanging off him, flirting outrageously.
It was no secret either, that he had no interest in her whatsoever.
Unrelated to this, I started to go through a rough patch. It was even rougher than usual. We went to a party, and he left early. She was clearly
disappointed. This is when I finally 'lost it' and used the situation to my advantage. I comforted her, and got her drunk. I knew exactly what I was
doing, and to this day I feel both guilty and at the same time, indifferent to what I did. We ended up having a one night stand.
Several days later, she started flirting with me. Afer a while, we became a couple.
Unfortunately, my rough patch started to get rougher. She asked me to slow down on my smoking. (I chain smoke BTW) But instead, I started to
smoke even more. But this time, It was not tobacco. I did this to help distance myself from my problems. Unfortunately, it tends to put me in a bad
place, and distant from more than just troubles. I became distant and numb to everything.
Our relationship turned sour, into nothing more than 'physical relations.' I still liked her alot, but I 'couldn't be bothered' anymore. After a
while, she dumped me because of the state of our relationship, together with my distance.
She started chasing my friend again.
I hated myself for this. I quit smoking 'non tobacco products'.
I hated her because she didn't realise what I was going through, and didn't get to know the real me.
A few months later, we both went our own ways. Literally. She moved several hundred kilometers north, and I haven't spoken to her since.
Time heals all wound's right?
Well, It seems that my subconscious has an ironic sense of humour.
It has been several years, and I had 'forgotten' all about the above mentioned incidents. I had no feelings for her.
But for about a month or so I've been having dreams. Or rather, nightmares.
These dreams are about her.
Most of them are her being fatally ill, and me not going to see her at hospital.
If I do go to see her, I just walk past her bed casually, not caring that she's dieing.
These recent unusual and re-occuring dreams are not only disturbing, they are bringing up old feelings. But more specifically, they are actually new
feelings I have not felt before. It is confusing me quite alot. Confusing in the sense of both mentally and emotional.
It is both love and hate, in the same emotion, at the same time.
What is this emotion called? Has anyone else here felt this emotion? How do I shake it?
I don't want to keep having these dreams.
I don't want to try getting into contact with her again.
Quite frankly, I'm not going to try to get back into contact with her.