posted on Oct, 19 2006 @ 04:55 PM
Thanks again for a great thread. Agreed, this is something that really does need to be open for discussion, and I certainly hope the board Trolls
will, for once, keep their mouths shut on this one. Forest Lady--I caught your post as I called the reply form up--glad to see a tharapist up
here--and one who has has the experience.
Though I may be revealing a bit more of my past that I usually do, I am going to tell this story for the benefit of all concerned, and in the greater
light that this Thread Chissler created may be read by someone in need of hearing what I and others say, here.
28 years ago, I held the barrel of a loaded .45 Colt Commander to my head and squeezed the trigger. The hammer hit, and the gun failed to fire. The
same HP bullet with a dented primer is a part of my "medicine bag" which I, like most Natives, wear or carry all the time. It remindes me constantly
of my worst day on Earth, that things grew from there to the present, and that they will never get that bad again.
That's the story, and here is the rest of it. I am a 'Nam Vet and suffer from PTSD. Shortly before I tried to do myself in, and even carried it out
as far as I was allowed, I had been through a very bad divorce, lost everything that I had worked for, and was generally at the very bottom of a very
deep pit in a very dark place. (Understand, here, that PTSD was not a recognized condition[did not exist] until 1985, so there was no treatment for
The Idea of victimizing someone else did cross my mind, but not in the way you would think. I didn't want anyone to have to clean up after me, so I
went outside. I was living very alone, with no means of support, on a very remote and large farm, so, I wasn't worried about traumatizing witnesses.
That is ALL I thought about.
As Forest Lady has pointed out, Depression is the factor. I can tell you that, YES, I was Depressed at the time, and grand mal. Depression is dark
place, Folks. It isnt that you don't think--it is that you CAN'T think--at least not rationally--and that makes the condition dangerous and life
threatening. Depression always has and environmental factor, even though modern medical science currently treats the condition (sucessfully for the
most part) as an imballance in brain chemicals. There are Environmental Factors--rational ones--that lead to the imballances. There were many in my
Life at that time, such that the stress was overwhelming, I just wanted it all to stop, and stopping it was all I thought about for days before the
attempt. The decision I made, whether right or wrong, was the last best one at the time in my rattled and dislocated irrational mind.
That, in a nutshell, is my story. I relate it here for the benefit of all who read this thread and either themselves are, or they know someone who is,
having suicidal thoughts or is suffering Depression. Trust me, you can climb out of the Pit, or help your friend to do so. Get HELP--go see your
Physician, your Minister, or a good friend, and TALK openly about how you feel. I have been there and done this, and I am still here to throw you a
Rope. There are many new drugs out there, like Celexa, Wellbutrin, and many others which can restore the balances without interfering with your daily
activities or making you "feel funny" or "high".
Since you are a Therapist, Forest Lady, I request that you post the symptoms of Clinical Depression to this thread for the benefit of all.
Lastly, what got between that primer and the charge on that day, whether God or Remmington's Quality Control, I don't know. I like to think I know
which, and I give credit to the first. Either way, I have never been the same since.
Thanks again, Chissler.