Anatomy Of A Questioning
Let me see if I understand what happened here...
1. Kids think it's cool to hate Bush, and hating Bush is a great way to meet other cool kids.
2. One kid, Julia Wilson -- who is no doubt cool because she hates Bush -- posted the words "Kill Bush" on her MySpace page in a clever bid to win
friends and influence people.
3. The NSA, which monitors All Things at All Times in All Places and Knows All, accidentally intercepted her MySpace page while conducting routine
surveillance of Democrats and other terrorists and generated a Priority Alert Intercept Notice which was automatically forwarded by secure channel to
the CIA for analysis.
4. The CIA, upon reviewing the details of the alert, determined that Julia Wilson might somehow be related to former ambassador Joseph C. Wilson,
which -- as a political opponent of President Bush -- would, of course, make her a grave and immediate threat to national security.
5. Upon further investigation, the CIA determined that Julia Wilson did, in fact, possess Weapons of Mass Destruction (WMDs), was the leader of Al
Qaeda's Northern California wing and was funding an aggressive terrorist campaign intended to destabilize Sacramento, California.
6. The Director of Central Intelligence transmitted an urgent communique to President Bush, assuring him that proving Julia Wilson had WMDs and was
connected to Al Qaeda would be a "slam dunk".
7. Acting on this information without hesitation or the slightest inkling of doubt, President Bush designated Julia Wilson an Unlawful Enemy Combatant
and ordered her summary execution by the Secret Service. "Try to throw in a little torture if you can," he chuckled as two agents were dispatched to
accomplish their grim but vital mission to protect America.
8. The agents located Ms. Wilson by means of the RFID chip all U.S. citizens have been implanted with since the 1960s under a secret Omega Agency
project classified Above Top Secret.
9. However, the detection gear (which was itself manufactured in the 1960s) had blown a tube and was therefore only able to locate her within a
60-mile radius. So they went to her mom's house and asked where she was.
10. Upon learning that she was in school, the Secret Service agents declined the tuna sandwiches and rich chocolate Ovaltine offered by her mother,
proceeded immediately to C. K. McClatchy High School (Home of the Lions), extracted Julia Wilson from her biology class -- which was in the middle of
dissecting tiny, anatomically correct effigies of President Bush using contraband vibro blades smuggled in from North Korea -- and questioned her in
the teacher's lounge behind locked doors.
11. The agents, whose otherwise cold, steely, professional hearts were melted by Julia Wilson's overwhelmingly cute freckled cheeks, knock knees and
awkward metallic smile decided to make sure killing her was absolutely necessary before drawing their H&K MK23 MOD 0 OHG suppressed pistols and
performing an "assisted Arkancide".
12. Upon questioning, Ms. Wilson explained that she never intended any harm to President Bush, but just thought posting "Kill Bush" on MySpace would
be cool, but it turned out it really wasn't, and actually she really didn't like MySpace that much anyway because that bitch Brenda had a lot more
friends than she did and wouldn't let her into the McClatchy High MySpace group, and that was okay because she didn't care anyway, and like, did
either of you guys see that Criss Angel show on A&E? That guy is such a fox, and...
13. Satisfied that Ms. Wilson was not a threat to anyone (except perhaps Criss Angel), the two Secret Service agents decided that the primary
objective of the mission needed to be canceled and boarded their black helicopter to move on to their secondary objective: rigging Diebold electronic
voting machines to always vote Republican in anticipation of the upcoming elections.
14. Meanwhile, Julia Wilson, finding herself with some unexpected free time, transmitted a coded status report to Osama Bin Laden with her Cricket
cell phone indicating that the hit on Bush would proceed on schedule, then surreptitiously planted some deadly plutonium pellets in Brenda's gym
shoes before returning to biology class.
And there you have it.
I think that pretty much sums up what really
[edit on 10/16/2006 by Majic]